She Is His

I haven't read everything but I am incredibly on-edge - that she is leaving tomorrow is now a reality and I am having the most conflicting feelings. We are surely going to be together later tonight, she's all but said that. I know that she will want to talk more too.

I'm not sure where to start as I'm just feeling all over the place right now. She just left for work about an hour ago and I'm still uneasy about everything but I know, it's what is best for us.

I'm now re-reading/catching-up on what everyone has shared with me. Some of it is hard to read/re-read and some of it stings right now.

We had a long talk as most would expect last night. I'll just share that she asked me to tell her honestly if I wanted her to go or not to go. I said what I truly felt and I told her that I did want her to go. I don't know if it's mentally my penance for our moment of fun last weekend but its true, I do want her to go with him. She asked me to tell her a second time and to look at her when I said it and I did. She smiled as I said it and she hugged me and told me she loved me. I asked her if that was the answer she wanted and she said she would have accepted either a yes or no but she admitted she was happy that I said yes.

I need to get my thoughts together a bit more before I write any more. I"m feeling all sorts of weird stuff - part of me is horny (my cock is rock hard right now) but other parts of me are already feeling forlorn.

Dana, yes, she did leave her rings home. It's the first time she's taken them off in a while now. Another thing that stung this morning. It also made me feel all weird seeing her finishing packing this morning. They're on a United flight sometime this afternoon from Newark to Charleston after which they're driving to Hilton Head. They're staying at one of the Marriott's on the island. She promised to call and text with me before she leaves this afternoon.

This will be out of order but I just realized that I didn't share that she gave me a truly masterful blow-job last night!!!! Making me feel better talking about this for now. Some of what we talked about and stuff won't make sense to share right now, but we did follow our usual Wednesday and it honestly felt good to tell her and let her truly see that I was turned on by it all. We talked about a lot of my misgivings and such and she did make me feel better (okay?) about them.

I had hoped she might give me a surprise and as when I got really hard and into stroking away she looked at me and smiled and said "let me finish you baby". At first I felt her hand on mine and that alone would have been nice but even better was when she pulled my hand away and it was just hers. I was so getting into it when she smiled again and just said "enjoy this baby" and she just leaned down and took my cock into her mouth.

She gently held my balls the whole time but she really worked her mouth and other hand on my cock. Within just a few minutes I was starting to moan. I can only assume she'd been practicing edging Paul because she seems almost masterful at it now!. I could feel myself starting to throb and she seemed to know just when to back off and stop. She didn't use her fingers in me or anything - she didn't need to by the end I felt like I was going to explode - and a moment later she let me do just that. It felt so good as she let me thrust into her hand and mouth as much as I needed to till I was limp and then she did what I love the best - her thumb from way down below my balls all the way to the tip.

I'll just say that for as wonderful as that was, sharing an intensely passionate (and I do mean passionate - tongues and all) and my cum with her just after she pulled off of me was really something special. I think maybe even more intense than the blow-job in some ways. She said several times last night and this morning that she hoped "that would help" and I'll just also share that last night before she took over, one of the things she asked was for me to tell her how many times I masturbate while she's away.

Peak - your thoughts are appreciated and always give me a contrasting viewpoint. Your statement and others about the permanence of my being beta is perhaps something that is more of a range rather than a yes or no.

Sue and I had some honest conversations over the past few days after our sort of unexpected fun. A lot of our talk focused on what we each want. She has her desires, however convoluted they are, to change herself and how she feels about sex. And as others here have said, this change on her side is (likely) permanent and I accept that. The thing is, I want that too. It wasn't easy (but also not difficult) to tell her some of this. She too has said that she feels like she is coming to the point (perhaps her end point) where she wants another man physically and doesn't feel she will ever not. I have long told her, even before going into beta and denial with her, that her being intimate with other men is intensely arousing - so to me, some of this feels like it is moving towards her acceptance of this. She hasn't said it but playing back-seat psychologist it sort of makes sense to me.

I told her how surprised I was at what she'd let/encouraged me to do. She said that it felt good to her and however she described it, she told me that she felt good about wanting it with me and that she enjoyed feeling me get aroused. I asked her if she was okay that I'd cum in her and she said yes, but it was quieter and I asked her what she'd meant. It did not negate anything with her, she made that clear but she also said that despite wanting it with me at the time, that she had wanted to wait and had wanted me to wait longer and yes, to want it more with her. I laughed and said almost 6 months of desire was a lot and she giggled and she said she had wanted it to go for longer and she admitted that she liked how it felt between us. Again she repeated how she liked that she could be herself - sexy or whatever and that she knew that I would enjoy seeing her but not make her feel like a sex object and not paw after her. I told her that I felt the same way. That I loved seeing her and knowing that I wouldn't have her.

What I wanted to say though was that think beta is a range and that for me, it just feels right to be there. As if it's perhaps the peace and enjoyment that I've wanted to feel. We both accept that it turns me on and satisfies me for her to be intimate with Paul - sharing her sexually (or giving her to him) just feels right to me. Is it coincidence that it's what she wants right now too, I don't know - maybe it's a sign that we really are meant to be together. Whatever it is, for me, feeling beta means wanting her to have that satisfaction with him and honestly, I don't think I'll ever lose that feeling or desire or need. Seeing her naked is just a part of that, knowing where she'll be later tonight and for the next few days is another part. Whether it's beta or denial, however you term/view it, I get the same deep seated feelings. When you refer to easing up on being beta, that will largely be at her cue as I will surely be there for her when and if she wants me. In the meanwhile, as others have said, I'm going to need some hand-cream soon.

Peak - it really is up to her and I am happy to participate. How often/frequently becomes a question only she can answer. However, she has teased me many times as well as told me at others that it is surely an "if" and not a "when" that I will have her bare again. I can anticipate some point in the future where she will want that from me and I'll be happy to provide it. Where I think we are agreeing is that Sue is most definitely going to continue denying me - at least for the near future until she decides she is ready to resume intercourse - and then, I expect it to be infrequent at most especially at the beginning.

I have no illusions about returning to how we were. I understand that is a point we passed long ago. And as I've said, I don't feel a need to return there - I do accept and even enjoy that she will likely always have a lover who she will be intimate with. At the same time I do still feel - as you are expressing - that should I feel a need or desire - or should she want it - that our sexual intimacy and frequency will possibly increase. But as many have said here - if she only has x amount of time/energy for sex and some of x goes to Paul for now or someone else - then I know I will have less than x. For now - that knowledge turns me on.

Squirm - I suppose. We texted earlier this afternoon, she's now on the flight down there with him. I've never had as many "I love u's" and "thank u's" in texts or emails from her as today.

I'd put it out of my head for a while today but now the conversations we had (and her teasing yesterday) about what she'll be doing there with him are in my head again. She told me several times that she hopes to "find out just how much he can cum" which made me shiver with the thought. She also told me how she very much wants the feelings she had last time with the other wives and girlfriends when he is out playing golf - feeling like the hottie and all of them knowing (or assuming) what they've been doing.

Between that and her telling me that she wants "all of my holes used" and her teasing about wanting to "feel him in me everywhere" even after her blow-job last night I'm hard right now. And yet I know that this is just the beginning.

Peak - we talked last night for a bit while Paul was off doing something else. She told me the flights and rental-car was fine and that Paul has been "really nice" and that you "have nothing to worry about". I told her I "assumed you've already been busy" and she giggled and made no secret about "first thing we did when we got to the room....". But no, thus far she hasn't sent me any "scores". His golf stuff starts tomorrow so I may hear from her. Apparently she said it's going to be quite warm - in the 90's - so she said she'll be coming home with a suntan.

Needless to say, I didn't sleep well last night. I was both horny and anxious about the empty bed next to me. Jerking off only slightly relieved things so 1/2 an ambien helped.