Further discussion with wife - advice?

[mdownsuk]

We explored this fantasy of mine again yesterday in the 'cold light of day' so to speak.

Wife admitted that she does see me as 'weaker' than other men due to my infertility but that as she doesn't want other men's children she tries to put this at the back of her mind and not let it affect our love making. She does get satisfaction from me and enjoys our lovemaking and some of the fantasies that we have. But that is what she wants it to be, just a fantasy. She prefers to think about the encounter with another man, normally without me, whereas I have said that I would like to be present and watch another manly guy usurping me. She didn't like this as it kind of brings the weaker side of me to the forefront.

However she also admitted that due to this perception of me, she does have a 'wandering eye' where she likes to look at other guys and fantasise about them (sometimes in our lovemaking). These guys are normally a little more butch than me, but she doesn't seem to be fussy. We have also fantasised about ex-boyfriends that she has been with many years ago.

She has gone to work conferences and danced with other guys but has never been interested in doing anything further and never got attention from a guy she really liked and felt weak with. She does think that her morals are stopping her from doing anything significant with another guy but that if she didn't have these moral she would quite happily jump into bed with another.

In fact, she also admitted to me during our recent discussion that she would be very selfish if she were to start anything with another guy and that because she sees herself as a romantic (and does not separate love from sex) she would become emotionally attached to the guy, or would seek emotional attachment from him during subsequent meetings. As you can understand, this is too big a risk for us to take. I'm disappointed by this admission, but thankful that she could share it.

I guess I'm seeking advice about the thought of keeping this just a fantasy from now on. To me it seems a no-brainer that it is too big a risk to take. Has a woman ever been talked around from believing that this is an emotional thing to just a sex thing? It's a complex issue and I hope I've explained it adequately. What do others think?

 

[BubbaBigs]

Hi MD - First, it doesn't sound to me like you'd be happy as a cuck... perhaps I'm wrong. Second, it amazes me that infertility can effect your self image that much. And finally, to answer your question directly, when it comes to sex, women can be talked into anything given the right person and conditions. You say she has thought about it? There's not a very big leap between thinking about it and doing it. If you want her to do it (and I don't really think you do), then find out what she wants and give it to her. That is, find out which of the guys she thinks about and would do it with (if it weren't for those morals) and get one of those to pay her some attention. the morals will soon be just a fond memory, and she'll be spreading 'em soon after.

BB

 

[Longkeel]

Further discussion

At least you are talking with your wife about it. That seems to be the biggest hurdle.Just ask any of the wannabes on here. If she finds it erotic,and you encourage her,I'm sure she will try. Your problem will be that women think much more about consequences than do men. One of her worries about getting emotionally attached to another male could be eased by having a much younger lover ( toyboy ) That scenario would seem more like a game. In the case of my wife,she is 50 but looks younger. She is pretty and very trim.size 8 UK .She is the same weight as when we married. This fantasy has been with me from the beginning ,but she has little interest in me let alone another male. From my perspective you are ahead of the game. Good luck. Where in UK are you??

 

[mdownsuk]

more thoughts

These morals of hers are a problem. She has been very faithful to me over the course of our 10+ year marriage. I guess after having originally posted it sounds like she would be happier being a hotwife rather than cucking me. From the fantasies we've shared, which she has volunteered, I'm not around whilst she's in the act and I don't really figure in her enjoyment. The thing she does enjoy is being submissive and being told what to do, taking the responsibility away from her.

Perhaps with my self-image, I've picked up that she's not totally happy, especially when we were trying for children. Perhaps I'm also playing out the role which I think will best suit her. However, she is submissive and loves to be told what to do when making love. I don't feel too disconcerted though, and just want the best for my wife. If that means having a young stud, which she can easily enjoy the thought of, then so be it.

I do need to take smaller steps, but I'm not sure what these are. I understand about giving her what she wants, but find it really difficult to organise. Firstly, she only thinks about this stuff when she is ovulating which makes it difficult to time, and secondly we are both busy people who are not into the club scene (which is non-existant over here in the UK unless you are in London). We are in Hampshire, south UK.

As for her loving the idea of playing out her fantasy, she does not. She thinks they should stay at just the fantasy level. However, she has discussed that if she were to go with another man, it would have to be purely spontaneous and unplanned and he would have to be so attractive to her that she feels very weak and gives in. This is impossible for me to orchestrate. Overall, despite what you may think, I still feel that I am a million miles away from sharing her with someone else.

 

[enser]

Hi Mdown, you have a private message.
Your story begins in February last year and it looks like you made no progress jet. Looks to me you have no clear goal. You have hotwifing and cuckolding confused. Women are much easier taking to hotwifing than to cucking. How old is your wife? What I read, she is hotwife material and if she would spread her legs for her boss or friend if you could watch it on a baby monitor. You would not have to be in the room to see it.

 

[tuppinsinmo]

Well

What is so wrong with leaving it at a fantasy for now and just letting her know when that spontaneous moment occurs you are great with it? There seems to be a ever persistent attitude on this site that everyone must live out the fantasy and that is ridiculous. Fantasy is often a lot better then the real thing. There are many risks to the real game and a lot of differ ideals to what is or isn't cuckoldry. Cuckoldry in the true sense of the word is when a wife cheats on her husband with out his knowledge and in most cases it was originally applied when she became pregnant. For today it usually means that the wife has sex with someone else with permission. In hotwifeing which is just a term used when the husband usually does not take an active part but wait at home or in the car and only takes part from a distance, where cucking would mean the husband is present and may take part as a observer or threesome. On this site and many others it has been expanded to imply that to be a cuck you have to be a sissy, or willing to gay activity, which is not the case at all. Hot wifing is being cuckold it is just a distinction of the life style. This should never be a one side decision, no one should ever be pushed or feel ****** to do what they don't want to do. In the case you spell out seems to me your wife is open to fucking another man if that man appeals to her on her terms. You seem to be OK with her doing that. Which says to me the issue is really she is not ready for a moral reason of her own or more then likely she really does not trust your words. You have to her grow with confidence that you will not react badly that the marriage won't be over, that you won't think less of her for the sex. And the moral part she has to work out for herself, you might give her direction but it is issue that if you force her to go against her moral code you will lose her in the end because guilt is a horrible thing to live with and you would be a part of that guilt. So I think the real issue is trust. And until she feels that trust in you two as one in this she is likely to resist. Do the things that show her how much you love her, courtship type of things. And encourage by occasional comments your dream, but also talk about the risks, and rules you would want applied.
Good luck

 

[BubbaBigs]

These morals of hers are a problem. She has been very faithful to me over the course of our 10+ year marriage. I guess after having originally posted it sounds like she would be happier being a hotwife rather than cucking me. From the fantasies we've shared, which she has volunteered, I'm not around whilst she's in the act and I don't really figure in her enjoyment. The thing she does enjoy is being submissive and being told what to do, taking the responsibility away from her.

Perhaps with my self-image, I've picked up that she's not totally happy, especially when we were trying for children. Perhaps I'm also playing out the role which I think will best suit her. However, she is submissive and loves to be told what to do when making love. I don't feel too disconcerted though, and just want the best for my wife. If that means having a young stud, which she can easily enjoy the thought of, then so be it.

I do need to take smaller steps, but I'm not sure what these are. I understand about giving her what she wants, but find it really difficult to organise. Firstly, she only thinks about this stuff when she is ovulating which makes it difficult to time, and secondly we are both busy people who are not into the club scene (which is non-existant over here in the UK unless you are in London). We are in Hampshire, south UK.

As for her loving the idea of playing out her fantasy, she does not. She thinks they should stay at just the fantasy level. However, she has discussed that if she were to go with another man, it would have to be purely spontaneous and unplanned and he would have to be so attractive to her that she feels very weak and gives in. This is impossible for me to orchestrate. Overall, despite what you may think, I still feel that I am a million miles away from sharing her with someone else.

Hi MD

These morals of hers are a problem. She has been very faithful to me over the course of our 10+ year marriage.

Trust me. Her loyalty to you, although admirable, will crumble given the right circumstances, remote as those circumstances may be. You certainly can improve the odds - you know who she likes; you know what turns her on; you know when she gets frisky (booze generally provides an assist here); and you can certainly provide some encouragement.

I guess after having originally posted it sounds like she would be happier being a hotwife rather than cucking me. From the fantasies we've shared, which she has volunteered, I'm not around whilst she's in the act and I don't really figure in her enjoyment.

Once she does the horizontal hula with someone else she will have cucked you whether you are there or not. Most men, I find, prefer to be there, or at least see photos or videos.

The thing she does enjoy is being submissive and being told what to do, taking the responsibility away from her.

In that case, it would seem a reasonable plan to arrange for someone she likes (or someone her "type") to be in a social setting with the two of you. Loosen her up with a few of her favorite cocktails, and tell her you are about to cream your jeans thinking about her and the the guy together. A good first step is to get her to dance with the guy. A little footsey and leg caressing under the table is a good next step. Direct her to loosen up and have a good time - insist on it - and see how things go from there.

[snip]

Firstly, she only thinks about this stuff when she is ovulating which makes it difficult to time, and secondly we are both busy people who are not into the club scene (which is non-existant over here in the UK unless you are in London). We are in Hampshire, south UK.

Since I haven't been to Hampshire I can't advise regarding venues, but somewhere nearby you must have a good hotel that can provide an escape weekend. Surprise her with it. Tell her you think you both need to slow down and relax a little, and you think this would be a great way to do it. Tell her the point is to leave your busy life behind and to just live in the moment for a few days to do things you don't ordinarily get a chance to do. That will frame for her a condition under which she may be more vulnerable to someone elses advances. Also, she may discuss this more with you when she's ovulating (why that is the case is open to conjecture), but I'll gaurantee that if she's thinking about it then, she's thinking about it now.

As for her loving the idea of playing out her fantasy, she does not. She thinks they should stay at just the fantasy level. However, she has discussed that if she were to go with another man, it would have to be purely spontaneous and unplanned and he would have to be so attractive to her that she feels very weak and gives in.

Well... so much for it remaining a fantasy. She just gave you the conditions and guidelines for her to do another guy... aren't you listening? Look... every woman tells her husband that she's fine with just him and her fantasies. They do that for a variety of reasons - some think the idea is a test of loyalty and they want to pass; some are afraid that their husbands will use it as grounds for divorce; some are simply reluctant to take the first step forward because that step is toward the unknown and it can be scary; etc. At the end of the day you have to decide if this is what you really want. The truth is that once the bell rings you cannot unring it. If you decide you want to move forward with it, then you need to take an active roll in maneuvering people and circumstances to make it happen. If you take a passive role, the chances of things happening as you wish are slim to none. It's always better to make things happen than to have things happen to you. Good luck.

BB

 

[mdownsuk]

Thanks guys for your responses. It's good to know that I'm still in with a chance. I have been in this for the long haul and have taken things fairly slowly (although to my wife I do go on about it too much sometimes). I will slow down and create those chances. We have discussed going away to a hotel for long weekends to unwind and get away from it all. This could be one area where there is a development. I also feel kind of dumb for not listening to her more about her conditions and expectations. I'm also more sure about the hotwifing thing than before. My guess is that this would be a way in to me possibly joining in the act in the future. However, I'm also aware that if she wants to just play alone (if and when we eventually get there) then that's her decision.

One thing that will also help is for me to become more attentive and reassure her of my love. I even offered to tidy up a little whilst she is away today, which is the kind of thing she really enjoys and appreciates. So, I'd better get on with it. I'll keep you all posted on any major developments. Once again, thanks for all your time.