My Lady Has Me Confused...any ideas?

[DeviantOne]

Hello,


I am a 30 year old guy with a 20 lady in central Kentucky, we live in different cities though as we are both in college. She often gets hot when I discuss bringing another man into our sexual play, however she comes from a conservative family background which may sometimes causes problems as she gets very turned on by the idea, and usually enjoys it when I bring it up, though when we get around to actually discussing going further she seems to get a little on the defensive about it, and asks why do I want to change her. I have even suggested that I would give up on my desire if it bothers her, instead she actually encourages it and says that she doesn't want me to change at all. This is really confusing for me. I am a grad student in psychology, and am wondering if she enjoys that I have the desire to see her with someone else, but is possibly repressing her own feelings about it due to some internal conflict she is having, or maybe I am just over analyzing the situation. She has kissed another guy and another girl on a couple of occasions since we have been together, and really did enjoy it. These people are close friends of ours who were in a poly relationship at the time, and have since broken up. Thus, we lost the opportunity to intermingle with them. When she gets around a dominant flirtatious man with magnetism, she does seem to fall under his spell and really enjoys the attention he gives her. Another thing is that my lady is very sexual, but likes to be somewhat subversive about it, playing the innocent role. She will give me a handjob under the dinner table sitting across from her parents, at a picnic table out in public, or even a blowjob in a parking lot in the middle of the day. In fact she got so into it one time we were almost caught. These are things she acts like she would never do, but when given the opportunity she enjoys them and tries to repeat them. She was a virgin before we were together, and for over a year refused to give me a blowjob. Once she actually had a taste though, it instantly became her favorite sexual activity.

She has told me on numerous times that she doesn't mind if I discuss online with other people about them fucking her, but when they have actually tried to contact her online, as sometimes she gave me permission to give certain guys her personal contact information she tended to lock up and give them terse responses, and has since told me that part of the reason is that she feels like a piece of meat when people approach her in that manner, and that she doesn't know how to respond, as she is uncomfortable with someone contacting her out of the blue that she doesn't know much about. She has hinted that she would rather meet someone that I introduced to her as a friend of mine in person, and go from there. In person she tends to be very flirtatious, sometimes she doesn't even realize it. She has told me that she does have an underlying fear of men in general which may be part of the problem, but at the same time she has demonstrated traits that would be considered rather submissive in nature though she will not readily admit to being submissive. I am not sure how I should handle this situation, and any advice would be helpful.

Thanks.

 

[lookn4gbinnwohio]

I don't like the idea of just meeting a stranger from online and my husband knows it.
Last year we made some stupid little bets and instead of money we bet for "time." I, of course lost and I owe him 12 hours and then 24 hours as his sex slave. Since then our sex has gotten more frequent and hot from him making up ideas and telling me what he's going to make me do.
In most of them I have to shave my pussy bald, wear what we call the "slut outfit" which is a short skirt and tank top, nothing on underneath.
He has a few versions, but usually has me in a bar or at a party and there are rules I have to follow. In most of them I end up getting fucked by at least one guy.
This does a couple of things.
1. It allows for her the idea that you aren't making her have sex with anyone.
2. It allows for you the chance to put her in a situation that sex might happen.
3. If anything happens, it allows her to "act without the guilt."

This might help you and her to "just let it happen" instead of "setting it up."

 

[DeviantOne]

Will,

I respect your reply, but feel that there may be more to it than that. In my first marriage, my wife and I were swingers. I noticed that she liked the illusion of being more than just a piece of meat, which only took a few well spoken words words, a tender caress or two, and she was entranced. Whereas some women naturally love sex and will go readily for it if the situation presents itself, others desire a little more preparation. Sure the base is that it does come to the physical reaction, but I see it rather as different individuals need different methods for obtaining similar results.

As for can it be different, as I have been in swinging and poly relationships in the past, I do believe that on some levels there can be more of a connection than just the physical sexual one. Now I am not to say that is something that generally happens instantly, rather those situations tend to develop when it is more than a one time affair, but they do exist. This is just my opinion based upon my experiences.

As this is new territory for her, and due to the background she comes from, I think at least at first she wants the illusion that she is not "a piece of meat." We are involved with certain events where she actually enjoys being looked at as a piece of meat, but they are generally fantasy (i.e. Renaissance Festivals and Sci Fi conventions). I feel that once the initial barrier is broken, her outlook may change, but also recognize that the guy most likely to be her introduction to the lifestyle will be someone who will use an approach which will initially focus on more than just her physicality; either that or he will just be too charismatic for her to resist.

DeviantOne

 

[RaunchyRandy]

It seems to me that your lady is caught up in some inner turmoil about some things, like her relationship with you, her conservative upbringing, and her subconscious sexual nature which is bursting at the seams to be liberated.

Don't over-emphasize your goals for her, don't be so hell-bent to change her , as it will become readily apparent to her that your agenda is to have her used by others, even more important than reinforcing YOUR OWN relationship with her.

Face it... Poly (or three or more-somes) isn't for everyone, especially women who come from ultra-conservative backgrounds. Although some women from those backgrounds do have to go to extremes to suppress their sexual urges/needs, the guilt trip they have, usually within themselves, is enough to make them very hesitant to indulge their own sexuality. Such women, IMO, will go their entire lives without even admitting to enjoying sex, at all.

Your woman seems to be fighting to break free of this mold. The sexual activities she and you have enjoyed together indicates that. But, the going with be slow. That you don't even live together, or in the same community says that you're going to have to do a bit more to get her to acquiesce to your desires. As a grad student in psychology, you need to get your wits about you and develop a methodology based on what you know of her personal nature, if you're going to succeed. Even then, I wouldn't bet on it happening for you, at this time.

Her conservative background, to me, is the perfect backdrop as to why she responds as she does to persons you have had to contact her. She's NOT going to allow perfect strangers to take her on sexually, even on the phone. You might as well forget about that. Her response seems perfectly natural/normal, to me.

I'm suggesting that you read a thread which 'Will&Eve' started in the 'Dear Dark Cavern' section. It's called 'Once and For All: How It's Done,' and it pretty much lays out an avenue of approach to meet your objective. Of course, you overlay the parts which you feel can work within your 'project.'

Keep us informed. I, for one, will be interested to see how this progresses.

 

[BBCSwannabe]

She has hinted that she would rather meet someone that I introduced to her as a friend of mine in person, and go from there.

There ya go.

IMO, internet and e-mail and phone calls can and do take the human aspect out of the picture. Body language speaks louder than any words and can really put a person at ease, especially when talking about sex; it can seem very frank and abrupt to her without the sideways glances and smirks. The man that she ultimately allows to have her will be someone who shows respect to her, even if he doesn't say it. He can talk about the same sexual things that others do with her online and over the phone, but because of his body language, she can feel more at ease and less like a piece of meat.

That's my female point of view, anyway. =)

 

[billy-ray]

She's a real cutie, DeviantOne!

IMO... keep within her comfort zone. She views her sex life as very special and personal. Perhaps sacred. She needs or desires to be seduced into it by someone she likes, trusts and is attracted to.

 

[gelder186]

dude..your a HUGE tool

 

[DeviantOne]

I am not sure just how a I am a tool, as I have a certain deviant sexual predilection, brought about due to my associations during my teenage years. I have been completely honest with my lady from the beginning of our relationship about my sexual desires, and we discussed that they are a part of who I am. She accepts that, and as I said actually encourages them and has told me that she doesn't want me to lose them. I do not try to pressure her, per my original post I said I was confused, as sometimes when I bring it up, she responds in one manner, and then she will be the one to encourage me to continue with it. So if being honest with the person you are with is being a tool, so be it. I know so many people who are on sites like this who are not honest with their significant others, as this may be their fantasy but the other individual in the relationship would not want to hear about it at all, luckily I know I can at least share my desires with her without being shunned or scorned, and she still loves me without thinking less of me because of who I am.

 

[blackkisss4u]

Listen to her. Be friend someone who you would like to meet her. Explain whats going on to the guy before things start. Once you have found someone who is cool with the situation then go from there. Plan a meeting where you all have dinner and don't mention anything to her about your intentions let her feel him out. The three of you should go dancing, to the bar or just hang at your place. You said she flirty, so let her do her thing with the guy naturally. If she likes the guy you will be able to to tell. Then only after one or two quality meetings. Explain that you are friends with the guy and casually ask if she would mind hooking up with the guy. Afterwards depending on her response. Plan a Meet Up do the same thing dinner or drinks at a bar and let her have her way. Trust me bro its better when you let your lady move things along. So just do what she wants, listen to her. Look the hard part is done. She is cool with hooking up with a black guy! She's from KENTUCKY!!!! You got to give it to her she is open minded. I live in western kentucky and I can say nothing much like that going on in these parts. Good luck!

 

[Josetta]

Widen your circle of friends and introduce nice guys to her from time to time. Just place emphasis on letting her get to know them first, and when she feels rapport with them, she will take things to the next level.

She wants extra-marital sex but wants it to be a very nice experience with a guy she approves of - she is suspicious of internet guys who want sex but lack the charm to build a friendship first.