What causes a man to ..... ?

[Harry2614]

When I came onto this site 3 years ago, I was facing the possibility of being what I would call a “voluntary cuckold” since my wife (and I), had become ‘frustrated’ with our sexual relationship.
My wife became Intrigued by the promise of a friend to help her “renew” her interest in sex, she went to his home, with my permission, to learn what he had in mind. He gave her a ‘sensual massage’ and oral sex, but was interrupted by a phone call from his wife. My wife then left and never went back to him.

That experience caused a lot of ‘angst’ for me, but changed our sex life’s for the better, and is still working for us. My full description of what transpired is in my ‘thread’ “New Experience”

Much earlier, I was qualified for the literal definition of “cuckold” by my first wife, We called it adultery then.

Although, I experienced only a small portion of the cuckold lifestyle (where I was in support of what she would do,) I read in these pages of many who have years, and years of experience with this diversion of the traditional ‘western marriage.’

I understand my quiescence to my wife’s activity, because it had a calculated reason, To revive her sexual interest, and that when that was accomplished there would be an ‘end-point.’ Yet I find it hard to understand married couples that have moved on from that point and participated for several years in this ‘lifestyle’ with increasing involvement of the wife with her lover, (or lover’s) and especially when her husband’s sexual roll is depreciated and sometimes eliminated.

So I have some questions for those who are married and in this lifestyle for a longer period of time, say 1 year to ?

If you go into this for the purpose of “spicing-up” your marriage, and it works, what causes it to continue beyond that point?

Where is “Doc. From Cleveland”? Maybe he could answer these questions!

What causes a man to encourage his wife to have ‘extramarital sex’ with another man?

What happens within a man’s psyche, that he prefers his wife to have sex with another man, (or men) rather than him?

What has happened, and what has changed in their relationship, when a wife begins to enjoy ‘denying’ her husband of ‘marital-promised’ sexual intercourse, in preference to her ‘extramarital’ lover?

What causes a man, that is healthy and virile, to encourage his wife to take all control of his sexual expression to herself, and dole it out only when it pleases her?

What causes a wife to choose to receive her lover’s sperm rather than her husbands, and to make him “waste” his sperm by masturbating to his wife’s amusement, and to make her more desirous of her lover?

 

[old Timer]

No individual can reply to this for all, we each must say how WE feel, and that is very personal and individual. Yes we have been in the lifestyle for years. The things that make me sexually excited include my wife getting sexually excited. At some point things changed so that I enjoyed it more when I was not the one causing the excitement. Why? I can not answer that. It just happened. The "affair" is naughty, and I like the thrill of it being naughty. It's naughty to encourage her. I enjoy that.

I like the fact that she decided which cock will be allowed to penetrate her. She is a strong woman & I love it.

No I can't answer what or why for others. For me, it is just a thrill - still.

 

[Doc in Cleveland]

Take Two Custers and Call Me in the Morning ..

..

Harry ..

I'll shed what light I can on the subject matter.

In therapy, we attempt to help and guide patients to discover the solutions that most apply to their particular, personal and specific situations. So, I'll add my findings and opinions if you do so, as well.

Firstly, the accounts and treatment of patients with conflict about their feelings in this matter briefly began to dissipate in my practice a couple months ago. This is significant in this thread because of the reasons for this. Cuckolding was a contributing and significant cause in the dissolution of several marriages among my patients. It was also a factor in the destruction of a long term gay female relationship. That case was particularly bothersome because as a scientist, like all scientists, it was an anomaly and, more than anything, scientists just love anomalies.

Also, Harry, as I shared with Mac last June (14 months ago), I lost a male married husband experimenting with cuckolding to suicide.

However, the number of cases I am seeing has increased in the last six weeks. I published a research paper on this subject matter and now I feel like I have become the dumping ground for any and all psychotherapy candidates in Northeast Ohio that have uttered the word "cuckold". As I have mentioned before, many of my colleagues are uncomfortable with this subject matter. They simply dismiss it and they will not budge. They insist it is merely a symptom of another conflict. From what I can tell from referrals, their previous therapist attempts to identify and treat this sub-level condition and when that fails, they get referred to me.

So, I hope through some observation on patterns of behavior and results of choices I can shed some light, not through my knowledge or my opinions, but through simple accounting of conditions of relationships in patients I have seen.

Now, turning towards my opinions of the specifics of your inquiry ..

Sometimes you may wonder why you come to this board or I come to this board or what the hell is going on in these forums .. let me express where a member here influenced me. When I first came across these multiple accounts in my practice, I needed some education. That's why I, initially, came here. It was one of many nets I threw out hoping to hook some knowledge and insight. And you can say, "OH MY GOD! What's a doctor coming HERE for? All these people just lie about this stuff. This doesn't actually HAPPEN. It's just perverts making stuff up." Well, hold on there, pardner. Those "perverts" make my house payment and I don't live in a double wide trailer so .. I kind of have an affection for those "perverts". And .. it doesn't matter, in my case, if it is true or not. It lets me inside the mind and thought patterns of the human male. That's all I needed for one plank in a deck of knowledge I was building. In addition, take this case in point: There's a member named "Custer Laststand". He's a very, very knowledgeable individual and someone I respect here a great deal. I try to yank his chain every once a while just to have a little fun and there was a good exchange between us on a thread I had entitled "Psychology of a Cuckold". He set me on a path of thought of maintaining intimacy between the cuckold and his wife that had absolutely nothing to do with the bull. That train of thought, which that poster on these forums spurred in me, led me to devise a "prescription" of specific actions between married partners. I can report that, when utilized as prescribed, I have a very good rate of success in a long term cuckold relationship.

.. and I should put this anecdote in here .. you ever read about an album that was being made or a movie that was being made .. maybe even an Operating System that was still in development (Longhorn, etc.) or maybe a new Intel chip in development (Ivy Bridge, etc.) and they have to have some name for it while they are working on it, right? So they can identify it. When I discuss this with colleagues .. and in a couple papers now .. I call it "Custer". So, there ya go ..

And I'm continuing to refine and revise this prescription. So, if you have an idea, Harry .. or anybody else .. (but not Mac .. no .. definitely not Mac .. have you seen that guy's gallery? .. ) (just having some fun there with the owner of the St. Bernard Tormenting Cat) But, the point being, please, tell me your opinions and ideas on cuckolding. They always get me to thinking. I have now educated myself further, and with conventional means, on this subject matter so .. I don't get A LOT of ideas of education off the forums any more but .. a good scientist always leaves his mind open to opinions from smart people no matter how skewed. Sometimes, skewed are the best ones. And the reason I mention these particular people here is because, these forums have now progressed for me, personally, to interaction with these personalities. If they fade away from here, I'll have little reason to come here anymore. If you find any insight or comfort in anything I write or express, thank those guys.

So, I hope that explains *why* at least I am *here*.

Of course, the biggest question always is: Why? (in general for cuckolding .. and as Harry asked)

There are specific reasons *why* in cuckolding but they are as many as the stars. The biggest things for therapists are themes. Are there common conditions that can be arranged in a specific cause and direct effect relationship that can be charted, tracked and archived as data?

And that's where I come up short for you, Harry. I haven't been able to accurately put my finger on this. Yet. But I'm trying. I'm trying real hard and I have some inroads.

I discussed with Mac in private .. I think it was Mac .. how a series of circumstances have converged at this particular moment in time to create unique conditions. These conditions include:

*- Divorce. Widespread, never before seen levels of divorce. This contributes to childhood perceptions of their fathers being cuckolded. And, oddly for the child, everyone acts like this is normal.

*- The Internet. There's been pornography since cavemen drew on walls. It's nothing new. However, the widespread LEVEL of easy, instant access .. in the privacy of one's own home .. creates intense voyeuristic tendencies. Think about it .. long term. Thousands of orgasms have been achieved in a man's life from watching MOVING PICTURES .. with sound .. of sex in various scenarios. Orgasm after orgasm after orgasm conditions the male over a long period in a subliminal way that he might not be consciously aware of. It integrates a level of voyeurism in sexual activity. And, lastly on the point of widespread pornography delivered to a private location .. pornography, in males specifically, acts a lot like an opiate on the psyche. When two girls kissing was enough to get you off now you need .. a threesome to achieve orgasm. And that gets boring so you move on to gangbangs. Then as that just doesn't trip your trigger anymore, as I hear from many male patients that are heterosexual, you find some gay porn. And then some boring Saturday afternoon you find yourself watching a man dressed as a dog having sex with a transsexual dressed as a chicken. With a Latin American dressed as a gardener peeing on both of them. I over extend for comedic effect but you get the gist of what I am saying. (let's see that last one in your gallery, Mac!)

*- Tops and Bottoms. The moderators here sometimes get on me for being too technical and dry so .. I'll try to keep this last point in the laymen arena of language. Think of when you are about to cum. ALMOST there .. ALMOST. What does your mind flash to so that your body might engage those glands to secrete? It's a very important tool and moment. It's the one that keeps the human species alive. What is it that you think about, guys? There's as many answers as there are people reading this. Because it's specific to you. But .. we can identify themes. You don't think of something LESS dirty, do you? You think of something dastardly nasty that takes you over the top. Sexuality is circular. It turns over on itself. Why does a woman smell like that down there but yet you put your tongue there? Your TONGUE? Seriously? Yup. You do realize that's where her urine comes out, right? Yeah, and .. uh .. right next to that recycling center they put a waste management facility too. But, in that very thought, it's the reason that the human species continues. And whatever it is that you think of at that moment of truth, when you get out on the third tee on Saturday morning with three people from your church, you generally don't bring that up in conversation. Right? That's because .. like all other animals .. even living organisms .. there is a branch off the behavioral flow chart that extends in to "Sexuality". There's a reason they call it "The Black Widow". That crazy bitch spider just ate her husband! Or .. Wasps (it might be bees, actually) whose penis RIPS OFF the males body and stays with the female so .. like most of us guys here on these forums after the penis has been ripped off, we'd die. And it does. So, Harry, when you are considering all of your questions .. look at that twisted gnarled branch off of the human behavioral flow chart and understand .. like any other organism in this plane of consciousness .. when a male is sexually excited, all bets are off from a logic standpoint to the male in a calm state observing. I mean, honestly .. just personally? .. if that red headed lady from "Mad Men" with the mondo hooters .. Christina Hendricks .. if she said that she wanted to dominate and cuckold me PHEW! Hope you get that point.

So, to attack the biggest question of "why" .. consider these things as just some of the more major reasons.

I also have some thoughts on "how" .. which seems to be the next biggest question here. But that's for another thread.

Doc

..

 

[Lux]

Even in a society that has been trying, albeit clumsily, to implement gender equality for a little over hundred years, the brunt of responsibilities and expectations still rests heavily on the shoulders of man. A few examples: if a woman chooses to be a housewife, people might think she's a little old fashioned, but no one (except perhaps a staunch feminist) would give it much thought. A "househusband" on the other hand... imagine the smirks, the comments, the overall negative judgement by his bread-winning male neighbours. Driving: no one will think any less of a woman who isn't exactly an ace behind the steering wheel, but for a man to need anything more than 10-15 seconds to park his car is considered shameful. These are just a couple of examples, I could come up with more but I'm sure I've made my point clear.

Of course, most of these differences stem from the millenia-old myth that women are somehow inferior to men, which is unfortunate, but then again, it would be unreasonable to expect to eradicate such an ancient and deeply rooted belief with just a few decades of protest marches, bra burnings and media-enforced political correctness. True gender equality is still a long way away and one of the many negative repercussions of this is that since early childhood, males are always expected to be strong, assertive and dominant, to be competitive, to outperform their mates, and this is true in all aspects of life, from sports to career to sex.

I think the cuckolding fetish can be partly explained as a reaction to the pressure men experience as a result of these expectations: letting another man bed your wife/girlfriend is a way to metaphorically sit back and let that other guy be "the man". It's a small, hidden place in your mind where you can take off your armour, sheathe your weapons and allow yourself to be vulnerable, weak, even submissive, while they copulate like it's the end of the world.

 

[Harry2614]

Thanks all, for the quick response to my post. I actually didn't expect it.
Certainly this is of a very personal nature and all will not be faced with the same challenges.
When we have "hashed out" these, I will have more to offer.

Harry2614You mention a wife's sexual denial to her husband, a husband's preference to watching rather than participating in sex with his wife, encouraging his wife to become a dominant and him a submissive in the marriage, and the preference of the wife to receive her lovers' sperm and deny her husband the same right, etc. IMO ... all these indicate a lack of that "respect" that I mentioned above. Couples who participate in the voluntary aspects of cuckolding should be "in tune" with each other first. If they are not, the cuckolding events simply become distractions to their desired goal ... "that of reviving and enhancing the sexual desires for each other" as you said. I noticed you conveniently left out that very important, underlined part.

Yes, Mac, What is "left out" is a very important need in the marriage relationship. Many who have posted on this site, have come into this lifestyle with out that important ingredient "for each other". Usually we don't hear from them for very long, and are left to wonder how disastrous the end was.

This is the very reason I am asking these questions, because those who don't ask themselves similar questions 'going in' will most likely find themselves in a 'failed marriage'.

Cheers, Harry