Worries/Concerns

[HotwifeIT]

I am here to seek the wisdom and knowledge of those much more experienced than I. My hubby and I were again discussing this whole concept again last night. He is so into the idea but I have some legitimate concerns. So I thought I would post them on here to see what kind of answers you might have for me.

1) Diseases: How do you know if someone really is disease free? Do you trust them, do you just use a condom and hope for the best? I really don't like condoms and would prefer not to use them but how do you build that level of trust so quickly?

2) Hubby's View of me Changes: I worry that after we do this he won't look at me the same way. What if he thought he would enjoy it and it turns out he didn't and it changes/damages our relationship irreparably? He keeps on insisting it wouldn't.

3) View of Myself Changes: Currently I have only been with one person, my hubby. Once a certain line is crossed this will no longer be the case. I'm not sure how I would feel about myself afterward

This is something I really am considering since its something he wants so badly. Also I am now starting to get curious about what it would be like to be with someone else, since there's only been one and we've been together 11 years.

So any guidance, advice, or personal experience you all could offer up would be greatly appreciated

 

[Custer Laststand]

You have some good questions, but some good answers are available...

Hi Ms. HotwifeIT,

Welcome to the forum! Your questions are very reasonable. It may help address your questions and concerns, and provide context, to read:

Susan Gower on natural cuckolding of husbands by married women:
The Science of Cuckoldry Cuckold Couple

Dr. Cherry Lee on the cuckold husband / hotwife phenomenon:
The Cuckold Phenomena Cuckold Couple

Book on the "cuckold husband / hotwife" marriage phenomena by a clinical psychologist:

Ley, David J., 2009, Insatiable Wives: Women Who Stray and the Men Who Love Them, 291 pp. (hardcover).

Regarding your questions:

1) Diseases: How do you know if someone really is disease free? Do you trust them, do you just use a condom and hope for the best? I really don't like condoms and would prefer not to use them but how do you build that level of trust so quickly?

A good strategy, IMO, would be to tough it out and insist on condoms, and also ask each new lover to get tested for STDs. (Here in the U.S., this can be done for free at public health service clinics. In my town, the results come back in about 11 days.) If the results are negative and a new lover tells you he hasn't had sex with anyone else during the time interval since the test can be considered valid, you'll have to decide whether you trust him. If you have doubts, I suggest continuing to insist on condoms while you continue to look for another lover you feel you can trust.

2) Hubby's View of me Changes: I worry that after we do this he won't look at me the same way. What if he thought he would enjoy it and it turns out he didn't and it changes/damages our relationship irreparably? He keeps on insisting it wouldn't.

You'll have to take his word for it. Many prospective hotwives seem to have this concern... in particular, they suspect their cuckold husband will use their taking of lovers as an excuse to pursue other women. You'll need to make it clear to your husband that potential destructive effects on your marriage are definitely among your main concerns, and you'll need his assurance he will not view you in a negative way if you make him your cuckold. It might be reasonable to agree on a "trial period" after you take your first lover, during which you and your newly-minted-cuckold-husband will frequently assess how the two of you are doing and whether there are negative effects that might make it wise to "cease and desist" (i.e., resume your conventional marriage).

Um... sorry, gotta go now. A woman friend just called me; I need to go and meet her. Other forum members will probably write in with comments re. your other questions. From what you've said so far, your view of all this seems basically sane and positive.

Good luck!

—Custer

 

[firedrop2007]

1. Like it or not if you are going to live this lifestyle Condoms are a must. Even with a condom you are putting yourself at risk but you are much better off with them then without them. If you find someone you like and REALLY trust after awhile I would recommend they have a test and then decide if you trust them enough to not use a condom. The problem with an STD test is you are trusting them to be honest about the last time they had sex.

2. Sit him down outside of the bedroom and not in any erotic situation and talk to him about it, make 100% sure that he really wants this. If it is, go slow at first and make sure he knows you are ok with him asking to stop at anytime. After awhile if you don't see any problems then you will know this is something he really does want.

3. This statement makes me really worried. You and your marriage will absolutely have to change. I do not know how your marriage is setup now but for this to work you have to take charge and decide YOU want to do this(not him). This is more about you then it is about him. Be aware after entering into this lifestyle you will most likely change the way you view each other. This isn't really that bad of a thing as long as you BOTH wanted it. If this isn't the case one of you is really going to end up hurt(trust me I know).

Go slow, DO NOT feel pressured to do anything you do not want to do.

 

[duke9555]

don't b sucha spoil-sport/fuss budget

 

[Susan's Slave]

I think that you have been given a lot of really good advice and I don't have a lot to add. One thought that comes to mind is that safety is very important but can never be guaranteed. You should make use of condoms with all new partners and demand recent testing before you go bareback. However, anytime you have sex with another person you take this risk to some degree, even with your husband. What is to say that he did not/will not have a one night stand and get infected. Chances are you would not know until symptoms show up. So my thoughts are try to be safe, recognize that life is a risk and you have no guarantees, and go out and have fun to level you are comfortable with.

I imagine that if your husband has been after you to try sex with another man for a while he has probably worked through most of his anxiety. The best advice I can give is to take some small steps before jumping into the deep end. I'm guessing you have done some bedtime roleplay, have you talked about your interest in other men outside the bedroom? You know, pointing out a cute guy, commenting on his butt or tight pants, saying some other guy makes you wet. See how he responds, does he get sullen or does he become a tiger in bed afterward? Step up to flirting with other men when alone and telling him about it, then flirting a little while he is around. How does he respond? If he handles all these tests he is probably ok. Try going out to a movie when you are generally at home, be a little less than forthcoming when he asks where you have been. Suggest you might possibly have been with someone else.

Well you get the idea. As to your third question, I am not a woman so I could not answer, perhaps some of the ladies will respond to you on that one.

 

[Hank jones]

All great answers above. My only two cents to add, don't do something you don't want to do. You might enjoy it, yes. But you might not like what you've done and blame your husband, even though he's the one that wants it, he might not be able to look at you after.
All valid concerns. This lifestyle, or any lifestyle where you bring a third party into a bedroom can have drastic effects on each partners views of the other. We have been in the LS for 11 yrs and have seen several couples try this and not make it afterwards cause they weren't sure what they really wanted from it. We talked for over a yr about sharing. It was some of the hottest sex we had had up to that point, just voicing the fantasy can be enough. But just roll playing the fantasy can have effects.
Tread lightly. Would be my suggestion if you truly love each other and have a solid relationship this can bring you closer together. And it can be the final straw if there are underlying problems.
Good luck. Please keep us posted.
Hank