I should say that R's setup with S was casual from her side. She had a partner who worked abroad for most of the year. She sat me down once, about a month into the "arrangement", and explained to me that he knew she was still seeing R occasionally but that this didn't bother him, in fact he liked the idea of her fucking another man. I must have looked quite shocked (I'd had a very vanilla life!) because she laughed and dragged out her laptop to show me some of the photos she'd been emailing him. And yes, they were all of her and R fucking. Some of them were recent and had been taken in our house. I started crying and couldn't stop but when I got home I told R what had happened and he looked at me and smiled .. and after that I started getting the emails too.
It's hard to put into words the conflicting emotions I felt every time something landed in my inbox -betrayed, humiliated, envy..
Oh yes, envy. About the time we'd started the "arrangement", R informed me that I would no longer be getting "proper" sex. When I asked why, he simply said "you don't deserve it!" and walked away. So watching her getting what I wanted so badly was torture.
(R told me later he'd had an ulterior motive -I'd never liked giving BJs and you could probably count on one hand the number he'd had from me in the first 5 years of our marriage. After a few months of denial I was so desperate for a taste of him I'd get on my knees if he so much as unzipped
).
This set-up went on for about 2 years but then two things happened. First of all, S decided to marry her partner and move abroad. Secondly, R (who owns his own, very successful, business) decided we needed to move house so he could be closer to his company and also be able to work at home when he chose. He found a beautiful house in a small country village that was perfect for us except that it was too far away from my workplace. We didn't need my income but I'd been brought up to think that women should always be financially independent and I wasn't sure I could deal with having to ask R for money.
R dealt with my silliness in his usual way of telling me to "deal with it" and eventually (it takes me a while to get things
) I realised that this was an important step for our relationship. I handed in my notice and R made a little ceremony of cutting up my bank cards -from now on, I'd have to ask him if I needed money.
(He did keep one card long enough to give to a 19-year old girl he had a one-nighter with. My bonus paid for two hotel rooms -one for them and one next door for me to lie awake listening to them fuck -and some jewellery for her).
Again I'm rambling on