Help me through this part please... (it's a long one)

[RedheadinLOVE]

Hi all- I'm so glad I found this site! I am a slut-long-term-girlfriend(wife-in-my-dreams) with a cuckold who doesn't act like he appreciates me! He wants me to go fuck (and I have, and do...) but doesn't want to take the time to give me the emotional support I need afterwards. He just wants to stroke it while I tell him about it...
He wants me to emotionally cuckold him too, and this is not fulfilling for me (unless I turn the relationship into an 'open relationship, where he is one of many and not my one-true-love-partner- see 'The Ethical Slut' a GREAT book!). I have always had an image of a really tight emotional bond with my partner, and I think his view of this is very different than mine. BTW, he doesn't help around the house very much, he rarely wants to go anywhere with me, or even snuggle or sit on the couch with me! He says he loves me, and wants me to have everything I want in life. It turns him on to see me happy, busy, and fulfilled without him in my life! Like he should be my side thing when I have time!
Now, I acknowledge that I am a little bit of a co-dependent (as I am beginning to understand it), and may need to back of off my emotional needs as relates to him for a more healthy life (together or not), but how do I get him to understand that I need certain things to give him what he wants. And yes, I have told him in a communicative conversation, tried to 'dominate' him into it (he also is very controlling about his d**k- he won't let me touch it unless its to suck it every once in a while!!! We barely ever make out, and if it is it is ALWAYS about cucking! There is never any other fantasy or play, or even straight up doing it! And I like all types of sex...

As you might have surmised, I am not naturally an outgoing dominant- I can be that in a persona/character kind of way, and be it authentically, but to live it 24/7? I am just not that person... though I do enjoy the idea of it And I DO want to grow into more of that part of my personality, so I am using this as a growing challenge. But I shouldn't have to change completely; how can I get him to give me what I want as well?

I know this isn't necessarily what this forum is for, but most couples therapists don't know how to address this, and I need help! I am working on my own issues regardless of his, and trying to understand all of his points of view. But any advice would be helpful.

As this is a thought I have had, I am also interested in how people have experienced and dealt with emotional unavailability in their partners, in this lifestyle.

 

[kidkarl]

He sounds obsessive. You need to have a heart to heart with him. Tell him exactly how you feel and express how important it is. If he truly wants to give you everything he can do this for you

Also, where are yall located? You sound like my kinda slut

 

[RedheadinLOVE]

Colorado- but I visit Tx... grew up in rural H-town vicinity. ;-)

He definitely has his issues, as do I, but I am trying to make it work, and I feel like he has just given up on our growth (Or maybe he feels like it will happen without any effort?...). Stubborn blankety-blank!

BTW, I love BBC... that you in the pic? Yum

 

[kidkarl]

Sending u a PM now

 

[Ladynsniffer]

Red,

From what you've described, I would say that you don't have a relationship with him. He is using you to get off. Unless, there is a strong relationship outside of the bedroom. But, you didn't mention it.

My wife and I have been married for many years.Outside the bedroom, we have a fulfilling and rewarding relationship (hobbies, travel, etc). Inside the bedroom, we have a very intense Female Dominant and male submissive relationship. It has been this way from the beginning. She indulges my submissive nature. I worship her ass regularly. There is absolutely no other sex between us. If I didn't beg her to let me worship her ass, she can go months completely sexless with me. She has a couple of regular lovers. One comes by our home once or twice a week. When my wife is in "cock lust" she is completely focused on him. In this instance, she is emotionally detached from me as well.

I write this because in your situation, if you have a rewarding and fulfilling relationship with him outside the bedroom, then it is possible to have lovers instead of him inside the bedroom and still have a relationship.

marcus

 

[peakmb]

Wouldn't normally suggest it, but I think your situation is crying out for a bit of control of his orgasms. If he really wants you to fuck other people but love him, this needs to be reciprocated and you need to ensure that your emotional needs reward his orgasms. The only way I can think to guarantee this is chastity device of some kind. There is plenty of advice / choice if you look around. He needs to understand what you need and I think you need to ensure his orgasms are spectacular after you get it. Discuss it with him first, but prepare your case well. Ultimately, the committment needs to come from him but it looks like he needs guidance.

 

[RedheadinLOVE]

Well...

Sniffer- the way i feel like I don't even know what a strong relationship looks like any more. He would say we are strong inasmuch as we live together, and definitely have gotten better at communicating in the past few months (since he finally came after me to another state after I left him 1.5 yes ago- we lived together for 4 yrs before that) though that communication comes in the form of arguments and sometimes discussion after that. He says he is too busy for more 'deep talk' (my phrase) than that. He sure loves his work!

Peak- I tried that once recently- dressed up in his favorite fit, had a length of sexy silk to wrap him with... He never let me touch his cock! Just stroked it and when I told him to come into the bathroom where I was goin to take control (we/really he, have a very curious puppy in the living room- and oh yeah, he won't sleep in the bedroom because he doesn't like my cats and says he had heart palpitations in the bed and so he won't sleep there) he wouldn't let me get close!

Now I know this a lot of shit to put up with... But we have been in one another's lives for almost 10 years- I love how we get along when we are actually engaged in one another's lives. But I cannot continue to live like a roommate with the man I have loved, tried to get over, and am now trying to love again.
Tell me what that feels like again? I'm trying to find it so we can live the life we talk about having!

Thanks to all responders on this, with advice and support. ;-)

 

[RedheadinLOVE]

I'm early 30's, he's late 30's... Andthe great irony is, he is a bbc that wants to be a cuck- I would have the best of both worlds if he would just engage with me more often! I prefer to be more of a swinger than a slut-wife; but love to play the part- even live it in certain ways.

His job is that he goes to school=no personal finance=low self esteem that checks to other areas of his life. I try to take all that into account... And I know he's more of a get financially secure and the rest falls into place kind of guy. I'm exactly the opposite- finance is great (and I'm not great with it) but if the relationship is secure then the money will come because I can put my energy into it, and not worrying about why he isnt talking to me today. When I ask, everything is fine, he's just busy.

My plan as of now is to learn from this, how to put myself first (I am one of those women who give of themselves more than is healthy). Wether it turns him on to me again or not, at least ill be getting some of what I want. And if that doesn't bring us closer, we will have to talk about splitting up. But I'll give that at least 6-9 months... I have a lot to learn about being the most important person in my life, and living that.

As well; any info on how I could get hitm to focus on tohe issues I bring hup? I try the awhole 'don't nag him' thing (with limited succness, I admit- but how do I get through to him without threatening him with breakup or kicking him out of the apartment ( he iced here to live with me from out of state)?

I don't want this to become more of a rant than it already is- just looking for direction for how to bring back the energy to the heart of our relationship; or what to look for to know when it is unrepairable. I don't want to think about that as an option, but I am, and I hate that.

 

[alsrx700]

My wife cuckolded me for about a year, it has stopped and I am back to a wannabe. We were having emotional/intimacy issues just before she cuckolded me. When she started it, and while she did it, we reconnected like we had never been before. I was always ready to "reclaim" her when she got home.

To me, it sounds like "Ladysniffer" mentioned, he is using you to get off. That does not mean you can not salvage a relationship with him. Before doing anything he wants, set up ground rules and expectations. If he does not meet those, then move on and find someone who can be a part of your life in a the ways you need/want. You only live once, so don't waste your time over persuing someone who is not loving you back.

 

[justlookin65]

time to move on...

 

[lapitup65]

He may be so focused on the cuckold aspect of your relationship that he is just ignoring the emotional parts of this. It sometimes can me an all consuming part of your life.

I agree with the earlier post about chastity and orgasm control. This will force him to communicate with you and understand your needs. Just like any other relationship, communication is key. I think that's even more true in a cuckold relationship.

If he's a bbc, get him the "curve" chastity device and make sure he understands that you control his orgasms.

 

[RedheadinLOVE]

Thanks everyone for giving your thoughts on this- I have been thinking about it all a lot, and as I mentioned earlier as a possibility (which is now going to become a reality), I am going to dive into this lifestyle, work on all my own issues, and continue to bring him around to what we all know he wants- to be a cuckold to a sexy thick redheaded slut (read:a woman who gets what she wants!) I will look into the curve- orgasm control is exactly what this situation needs.
I just have to dig deeper (as of now) to find that dominating, in control woman that he needs. And then, when she is out and proud, if things still haven't improved (i.e. I'm still not getting what I need/want), I will revisit the issue. Ill keep you all updated as things progress.