My youthful folly

[nardpleeker]

In a first draft of this, I failed to note that there were significant life events for Kaye and me during this time. We (and Max) graduated from college. Kaye and I got married. The wedding was an hour's drive from where we lived. We did not go on a honeymoon immediately (I don't remember if we ever had one, actually). On the night of the wedding, we returned to our room, exhausted. We made love that night, out of respect for tradition, but it was not memorable. It was just one fuck in a series of hundreds -- and we were really tired.

Kaye, Max, and I all continued to live there throughout the summer, when Kaye and I moved to another city. "We" fucked Max maybe a half-dozen times in the months before and after we got married. (It was over a period of 8 months, so that seems like a low number, though.) I remember wondering whether we would be monogamous after the wedding. The answer was "no", and perhaps the first time she slept with Max after we got married was especially intense -- but I don't remember it now, in particular. I just remember a series of episodes, not whether the were before or after we got married.

I would often start talking about Max when Kaye an I were fucking. On several occasions, the talk got hotter and hotter until I would dare her to go over to his room. Things would go pretty much as in the previous descriptions. She would leave the room and I would wait as long as I could stand it, which wasn't very long. Seeing her naked when she got out of bed to put on her robe was somehow different, and much sexier, than seeing her naked before making love (and that was, of course, extremely sexy). After a while, I would enter his room to find them engaged in foreplay. They went through most of the variations: kissing, oral sex, 69, and then would start to fuck, always with her on top. The sex lasted a bit longer each time but these were far from sexual marathons. After he came deep in her pussy, she and I would return to our room and fuck.

Sometimes she would get very annoyed when I started talking about Max and tell me to "shut up about it!" in an angry tone. I would feel bad and comply immediately. Other times, she would "threaten" me. The conversations would go something like this.

Me: "How does this feel?"

Kaye: "Ok"

Me: "Just ok?"

Kaye: "Yeah"

Me: "Why is that? Would it help if I had a bigger cock?"

Kaye: "Maybe"

Me: "I bet you'd like it if somebody with a big dick were fucking you right now."

Kaye: (silence)

Me: "Do you happen to know anyone with a bigger cock?"

Kaye: (silence, but getting a little wetter)

Me: "Oh, I know! MAX has a bigger cock, doesn't he! How could I have forgotten?"

Kaye: (silence)

Me: "I remember watching you fuck Max. You really liked sitting on his big cock, with his big balls up against your ass."

Kaye: (silence)

Me: "I guess you could go fuck him now, if you really wanted to be fucked by a big cock."

Kaye: "If you don't shut up about it, I'm going to go do it."

Me: "I don't think so."

Kaye: "I really mean it. You're making me want to do it. So shut up or I'm going to do it."

I was silent for awhile, because I was so conflicted. I didn't want her to actually do it, but the "devil on my shoulder" did. I also wasn't sure she would do it, and couldn't resist tempting fate.

Me (finally): "I can't really believe that you'd fuck him just because I was fantasizing about it. You wouldn't really let him come in your pussy just because of that."

Kaye: (silence)

Me: "Are you seriously saying that you'd slip his big fat cock head between your pussy lips just because I talked about it?"

Kaye: (pushing my cock out of her): "Ok, that's it!"

Kaye would stand up, throw on her robe, and practically stomp over to Max's room, leaving me alone. As usual, I would wait for awhile then go over there to find her sucking his cock with enthusiasm.

One time, Kaye was on top of Max and was just sinking down on his cock. I decided to help. I put one hand on her ass, two fingers on each cheek (like the Vulcan greeting in Star Trek), and lifted gently so she rose up on his cock again instead of sinking it all the way immediately. I would have liked her to do that, were I in his place.

She looked over her shoulder, and said in a shocked voice "WHAT are you doing?!" I said "Don't worry about it" -- feeling that a discussion was inappropriate at that point. I sat down again and nature took its course.

Afterwards, she asked me again what I had been doing. She then explained why she was so interested: "His cock got really hard! You were touching his cock! Max is gay!" I explained that I hadn't touched him, and that the most obvious explanation was that her pussy lifting up felt good. I think she preferred to think Max had bisexual tendencies -- I don't know why. Maybe she would have loved to see me suck his cock, but the idea didn't turn me on and I can't imagine being convinced to do that.

Sometimes, Kaye would show more initiative. On a couple of occasions, I would catch her out of the corner of my eye mooning me, with her bathrobe hiked up over her bare ass. But I only got a glimpse since she dropped it just as I looked and wouldn't show me again. Once, when she did that, I suggested she do that to Max. As usual, I joined them in his room a while after she went over there. This time, they were lying on the bed facing each other. She had her back to me, completely nude, and he was wearing his boxers. One of his arms was under her, and that hand was resting comfortably with his palm on the cheek of her ass. The other hand was cupping her breast. They were kissing and she was slowly stroking his cock in his boxers. For some reason, this made a special impression on me. They looked so relaxed, comfortable, and unhurried -- but aroused. It reminded me viscerally of when Kaye and I did the same thing -- the feel of her skin and curves under my hands and her hand on my cock as we kissed. After a time, she looked at me and said "Can I fuck him?" I said "Whatever you want." She mounted him and then fucked him unusually slowly and luxuriously. He still didn't last long, but it seemed especially nice for them.

Another time, after she mooned me, I said: "Why don't you go talk to Max for awhile?" "How long?" "I don't know." "Until he fucks me?" I shrugged. She went over to his room. This was in the early evening, and, embarrassingly, someone else knocked on his door when she was in the room. There was a delay (I guess while she was getting her robe back on). He greeted the unwelcome drop-in and said he was busy -- while Kaye was visible, sitting in her bathrobe. I think it was pretty obvious what was going on.

After the visitor left, I joined them. She was sitting in her robe at the foot of the bed and Max was lying on it, with his feet near her. I was sitting in a chair opposite her. She looked at me and held one side of the top of her robe open so I could see her left breast, and winked at me. Max couldn't see it, but could see that she was flashing me. Then she held the other side open for Max's benefit and winked at him (I could see the whole thing). Then she got up, and walked over to Max. With her back to me, she held her robe open so that Max could see everything -- and I couldn't see anything. Then, with her robe open, she crawled onto him and started kissing him, with her entire naked front against him. I could see his hands running up and down her back and ass, under the robe, but I couldn't see her body at all. Of course, I found this frustrating and asked her to take off her robe, which she did. She fucked Max for awhile until he came. Afterwards, I asked what she was trying to do: "I thought that would turn you on." I guess I wasn't in the mood, because I would rather have just seen her naked.

On one occasion, we were doing nothing in particular. Kaye was sitting on the bed lengthwise, with her back propped up with pillows, reading. Suddenly, she looked at me, cupped her tits, holding them out for me, and said in a seductive voice, "They're friendly!" This was unusual behavior for her -- I don't remember her ever initiating sex with me (she certainly didn't have to).

I didn't need further encouragement. I began kissing her passionately while squeezing one breast. We slowly undressed each other. Once I got her shirt and bra off, I worshipped her tits for ten or more minutes, alternating between her nipples and kissing her. Eventually, we got our clothes off. I kissed her body all over and rubbed my fingers over her clit while she rubbed my bare cock, which was as stiff as it could possibly be. I could feel the slickness of her pussy lips, and eventually lined up for penetration. She grabbed my cock to guide it in (I thought), and said:

"You don't get to fuck me until Max does."

I was flabbergasted. I kissed her again, she took her hand off my cock, and I said "Fuck that!" and plunged my cock into her pussy -- almost. At the last instant, she batted it aside so that my dick head rammed into her thigh instead.

"You're kidding!" I protested. She shook her head no. Then I got angry and said I really didn't want her use sex for extortion. She looked chagrined and apologized. But she didn't fuck me. She may well have fucked him before she fucked me a few days later -- I don't remember.

This was one of several instances where she was obviously trying to take things up to the next level (though neither of us knew what the levels were, at that time), but I balked. In the years since, I have often regretted not going along with this. I always felt that I wanted her to take the initiative, but I couldn't deal with it when she tried. Had I surrendered at that point, I believe we would have had some interesting sexual adventures. I could have begged her to fuck him, since I was so desperately horny. Or, maybe she would have upped the ante -- demanded that he spend the night with her in our room, or that she get to fuck him several times before I got laid. It makes me very horny to think about some of these possibilities now. But, then, I really just wasn't ready for it.

 

[George]

You have a remarkable memory. Rightly so, these adventures had a significant impact upon you. I cannot wait to learn how you and Kaye progressed. And what impact they had on your marriage. Thank you for sharing.

 

[Saraha]

Would be great to have photographs to illustrate this red hot story.

 

[nardpleeker]

Sorry, this was along time ago, and I don't have any suitable photos.

If I had videos of them fucking, I would have worn them out long before digital video existed to make copies! But I couldn't afford a camera, and she wouldn't have allowed it.

 

[Custer Laststand]

..... On one occasion, we were doing nothing in particular. Kaye was sitting on the bed lengthwise, with her back propped up with pillows, reading. Suddenly, she looked at me, cupped her tits, holding them out for me, and said in a seductive voice, "They're friendly!" This was unusual behavior for her -- I don't remember her ever initiating sex with me (she certainly didn't have to).

I didn't need further encouragement. I began kissing her passionately while squeezing one breast. We slowly undressed each other. Once I got her shirt and bra off, I worshipped her tits for ten or more minutes, alternating between her nipples and kissing her. Eventually, we got our clothes off. I kissed her body all over and rubbed my fingers over her clit while she rubbed my bare cock, which was as stiff as it could possibly be. I could feel the slickness of her pussy lips, and eventually lined up for penetration. She grabbed my cock to guide it in (I thought), and said:

"You don't get to fuck me until Max does."

I was flabbergasted. I kissed her again, she took her hand off my cock, and I said "Fuck that!" and plunged my cock into her pussy -- almost. At the last instant, she batted it aside so that my dick head rammed into her thigh instead.

"You're kidding!" I protested. She shook her head no. Then I got angry and said I really didn't want her use sex for extortion. She looked chagrined and apologized. But she didn't fuck me. She may well have fucked him before she fucked me a few days later -- I don't remember.

This was one of several instances where she was obviously trying to take things up to the next level (though neither of us knew what the levels were, at that time), but I balked. In the years since, I have often regretted not going along with this. I always felt that I wanted her to take the initiative, but I couldn't deal with it when she tried. ..... etc .....

The plot has been thickening for some time now. What happened next...?

 

[Custer Laststand]

..... On one occasion, we were doing nothing in particular. Kaye was sitting on the bed lengthwise, with her back propped up with pillows, reading. Suddenly, she looked at me, cupped her tits, holding them out for me, and said in a seductive voice, "They're friendly!" This was unusual behavior for her -- I don't remember her ever initiating sex with me (she certainly didn't have to).

I didn't need further encouragement. I began kissing her passionately while squeezing one breast. We slowly undressed each other. Once I got her shirt and bra off, I worshipped her tits for ten or more minutes, alternating between her nipples and kissing her. Eventually, we got our clothes off. I kissed her body all over and rubbed my fingers over her clit while she rubbed my bare cock, which was as stiff as it could possibly be. I could feel the slickness of her pussy lips, and eventually lined up for penetration. She grabbed my cock to guide it in (I thought), and said:

"You don't get to fuck me until Max does."

I was flabbergasted. I kissed her again, she took her hand off my cock, and I said "Fuck that!" and plunged my cock into her pussy -- almost. At the last instant, she batted it aside so that my dick head rammed into her thigh instead.

"You're kidding!" I protested. She shook her head no. Then I got angry and said I really didn't want her use sex for extortion. She looked chagrined and apologized. But she didn't fuck me. She may well have fucked him before she fucked me a few days later -- I don't remember.

This was one of several instances where she was obviously trying to take things up to the next level (though neither of us knew what the levels were, at that time), but I balked. In the years since, I have often regretted not going along with this. I always felt that I wanted her to take the initiative, but I couldn't deal with it when she tried. ..... etc .....

The plot has been thickening for some time now. What happened next...?

 

[Saraha]

She should have stayed in Max's bed over-night, and only come back to your room for breakfast.

 

[nardpleeker]

She should have stayed in Max's bed over-night, and only come back to your room for breakfast.

I think about that, but I don't think I would have liked it. Imagination wasn't enough; I needed to be involved and experience it, somehow. As I've said on other threads (and maybe this one), for it to be exciting for me, it needs to be a team effort. Maybe if she had come back and told me what happened in lascivious detail, it would have been exciting. But she wasn't like that. She'd tell me the facts (maybe if I asked), but drained of all emotional content. "We fucked. I got on top." "Did you suck him?" "Oh, yeah, for a little while." Ho hum.

Now, what I think about a little more is him sleeping over. We had two beds in the room. They could have shared one and I could have slept in the other (if I could have slept). We talked about it once, at least. I said (fantasizing) "It would be cool if I could wake up and hear you fucking." I remember she proposed doing it at a later point, repeating that back to me. But I never went for it. As I explained earlier, I just didn't feel secure enough with her to go to that level of cuckolding. I do kind of wish I had now. If I could go back in time, I would know that the relationship was doomed, anyway, so "What the hell?" On the other hand, knowing in advance that the relationship was doomed may have made it less exciting.

 

[nardpleeker]

One other time, Kaye and I had been playing with each other's bodies for a long time. She brought up the idea of fucking Max. I said she could if she walked over to his room completely naked. She flat out refused. I sucked on her tits and tickled her clit while reminiscing in the most obscene language about things she had done in the past. Finally, she blurted out "All right, goddamned you! I'll do it!" I felt bad -- that I was pushing her too hard -- and said "No, I'm sorry" and dropped the subject. In retrospect, I should have let her go. I'd finally gotten her horny enough to want to do it, and I'm sure she would have enjoyed it.

One general question was what Kaye really got out of sex with Max, since Max clearly wasn't even as good in bed as I was. I think there were several factors. I think she started because she was curious, and, somehow, just resolved that she was going to try fucking someone else that particular night. Later, as reading my previous posts makes clear, it was because I was goading her into it. On one occasion, as I mentioned, she said it was exciting to fuck him while I was there -- I think she had a bit of a sadistic streak and she enjoyed inflicting it on me.

But, once, she explained that she only kept fucking him so he would continue being her friend. I was taken aback. It seemed pathetic to me. I'm sure he would have been her friend without the sexual angle.And, of course, if she had to buy friendship with sex, it wasn't really friendship. This comment ******* loneliness that I didn't know she felt, along with a deep lack of self-confidence. However, I don't really think that was the even the major factor. Kaye was someone who couldn't always understand why she did things, and it was clear that the points I mentioned in the previous paragraph were also important.

In the early summer, shortly after we graduated and got married, Max got a girlfriend, Sally. She lived in the same house and was a friend of Kaye's, and Max caught her on the rebound. That brought a sudden halt to our recreational activities.

I'm not sure how Kaye felt about this. Kaye knew that Sally was highly orgasmic. I envied Max, and wished I could fuck her. I could have been bold and proposed a foursome or swap, but I didn't feel that anyone but me would have been enthusiastic. I'm sure I could have at least discussed the possibility with Kaye without losing my nuts, but I didn't, for some reason. I guess I thought it was hopelessly unrealistic. That may be my lack of confidence showing.

Kaye and I were headed for more education in a distant city at the end of the summer. Max broke up with his new girlfriend just a little before that, and, naturally, the concept of Kaye giving him a goodbye fuck occured to us. We discussed it as she was getting ready for bed, and she was wearing a *long* T shirt and panties. I proposed that she take off the panties, drop by Max's room, and bring him back to ours. She resisted: "I have to go to the [shared] bathroom, first. What if I fall over?" We compromised. She headed for the bathroom in her T shirt and panties and returned with Max.

Our big room was partitioned into a sleeping area and a living area, so one person could read (quietly) while the other slept. I stayed in the sleeping area, in the dark, where I was not (very) visible. I assumed he knew I was there, but I was trying to be unobtrusive. Kaye led Max into the other area by the hand. He was clothed and she was in her T shirt.

She turned her face up to Max, who bent down and kissed her on the lips tenderly. After kissing for awhile, she lifted her T shirt and stepped out of her panties, barely breaking the kiss. His kissing became more passionate. He lifted the back of her T shirt and slid his hands up her bare ass, where I could see it.

She lifted the T shirt over her head and stood nude in front of him. She then unbuckled his pants and lowered them. She pulled down his boxers, ******** his semi-erect cock. She started kissing him again, and reached down to cup his balls with her hand. I watched in amazement as his cock pumped up more with each pulse. In about four pulses, it was fully erect and she was sliding her hand up and down it.

And then he looked over to the room, where I lay on the bed watching all this, and said (speculatively) "Hello, Kevin". I said "Hi",and his cock went down as fast as it had gone up. Apparently, he had completely lost the ability to perform with a spectator present.

Kaye removed the rest of his clothes and led him over to the other bed, where they laid down, embraced, and began kissing. Eventually,he rolled on his back and she laid on top of him. Her curves looked fantastic like that. However, in spite of all her efforts, he never regained his hard-on. Eventually, I said "Could I have my wife back, please?" and he retired to his room. I fucked her and we fell asleep.

The next day, we moved out and began our multi-day drive to our new home. That begins another story, but there is a postscript to this one. Much later (possibly a year or two), Kaye told me that, while I was busy on a moving-related errand the next day, Max's recently ex-girlfriend intercepted Kaye when she was doing a chore elsewhere in the house, and beckoned her silently. She escorted Kaye to Max's room, where he was waiting. They had leisurely sex until I was about to return. And that was the goodbye fuck.

 

[Custer Laststand]

Thanks for the continuation. So far, I would have to say your relationship with your wife Ms. Kaye continues to sound "interesting" — but, it doesn't sound "doomed"....

 

[George]

I'm fascinated as to how this real-life story unfolds and how the cuckolding contributed to and altered your marriage and the impact it had on your subsequent separation. Please continue with your oh so meaningful contribution. Seldom are the long-term effects of cuckolding revealed. I hope all are as interested as I in your journey. I look forward to learning much from your adventures and their effect upon your marital dynamics.

 

[Saraha]

BUMP - yes, it would be enjoyable to find out answers to George's questions.

 

[nardpleeker]

Kaye and I moved into a one-bedroom apartment and began graduate school (let's say, in "alchemy"). We somehow got it set up with furniture that we bought at a house sale, even though we didn't have a car, and tried to establish a domestic life. Sometimes we even cooked dinner for ourselves.

Our sex life was vanilla. We sometimes reminisced about Max when we were in bed, and, at least once, I proposed that we go to a bar separately and see who hit on her, but she wasn't enthusiastic. (I was afraid to do it, too, but might have if she had wanted to.) There was one exception: At the holiday break between semesters, we visited the house in our old city. We went to a party, where Max was present, and hung out with him. Then all three of us arranged to crash in some rooms in the house of people who were away for the holidays. Kaye and I were both pretty *****, and I eventually talked her into visiting Max in his room. She wanted to go there by herself ("I'll tell you all about it.") but I was adamant that I wanted to be there. She finally agreed and headed off to visit him.

I eventually went joined them to find them sitting together, fully clothed. At some point, Kaye started undoing his belt, but he wasn't having any of it. Eventually, the two of them took off for a drive in his car, leaving me behind. They were only gone for 20 minutes, and, for some reason, I didn't at the time think they had sex. After they returned, we retired to our room -- where I apologized and literally begged her to go fuck him while I waited. She said she was tired and we both crashed. I felt pretty sheepish the next morning, and then we went to visit someone else in the area and there were no more opportunities for kinkiness.

Things started to fall apart in after we returned from the holiday and started the second semester. Kaye at times acted more like an obnoxious rebellious teenager than my wife -- putting me in the role of "Dad." What I resented most was her embarrassing me. She did things that made it clear that we had totally different concepts of what it meant to be in a loving relationship as I knew it from my upbringing.

I remember one incident. People in our school were quite social and there were frequent get-togethers which Kaye and I attended whenever we could. At one of these, Kaye and I had been having a good time. I drank a little and she drank more. At some time after midnight, most of the guests had gone and I was getting seriously tired. Kaye showed no signs of slowing down (or quieting down -- she was in her alcohol-induced extroverted mode), in spite of my efforts to signal my desire to call it a night. Finally, I stood up and announced that we were going to head home. Kaye looked up for a moment and said "I'm not!". At that point, I said "It's time to go home!", sternly (something I still cringe at). She just stared at me for a moment and resumed talking. At that point, I felt that I had no choice but to leave, which I did. I walked home, steaming, and wondered anxiously what she would do the rest of the night. I did not find this arousing. I was, in equal parts, pissed off and worried.

I eventually got to sleep, and she eventually came home sometime before noon the next day, looking bedraggled. She explained that, after a few more hours, she had gone home with "Dick", another student in our class. Of course, I asked: "So, did you fuck him?" Her answer was "no." She was too ***** to do it if she wanted to. She eventually slept on the couch, after leaping up to puke. I'm not sure if she made it to the bathroom. After hearing that story, I felt a little grateful for his taking her off my hands for the night. I never discussed it with him.

Much of our first year of alchemy school was spent on preparing for and taking preliminary exams. Kaye was planning to take an exam that I wasn't going to do. As part of her preparation in the second semester, she joined a study group. She spent a lot of time on this group, to the point where I questioned whether it was really productive. Anyway, she was going to do it her way, so I didn't complain much, although I was anxious about whether she was telling me the truth about how she was spending her time (and I'm sure this showed). I wasn't going to raise too much of a fuss, though. Even then, I realized that it takes two to make a relationship work, and I wasn't going to lead a life of trying to keep her in line.

After being neglected for several months, I was greatly looking forward to the end of the exam and the resumption of our normal activities. But, immediately after the exam, Kaye announced to me that she was going to a celebration dinner with members of the study group -- and I wasn't invited. I know that everyone else in the study group would have thought it appropriate for me to be there -- she was the one not inviting me. I was absolutely outraged. I yelled at her, tossed my wedding ring in her general direction, and headed off to eat by myself.

I honestly don't remember what happened immediately afterwards, but over the next few weeks, the truth came out. Kaye wanted to go to the dinner without me because she was heavily flirting with one of the guys ("Gus") in the study group. As she later confessed, they started going for romantic walks which rapidly escalated into a full-blown affair.

I've read tales of several men with no cuckold desires who report that their wives' affairs were extremely arousing as well as hurtful, something they found very confusing. I felt the same way. I would fuck Kaye aggressively, and sometimes engage in trash talk, partly to torture her. On one occasion, I asked her probing questions about sex with Gus, then I accused her of getting aroused by it, then dared her to call him and go over and fuck him right then. She actually got up from bed, walked over to the phone, and called -- but he wasn't home. Had she done it, I don't know where it would have led, because I would then have endorsed her behavior.

Anyway, I demanded that she end the affair, and she agreed. She said she wanted to meet him one more time to break the news to him. We were at school and she went to go talk to him. Then she simply disappeared for hours. Eventually, I spotted them together. There was no one else around, and I took the opportunity to make a scene. Although I was seriously angry, drama does not come naturally to me (I thought for a second before the ring-tossing incident). He had apparently decided that he wanted to mediate our marital troubles or maybe let me know gently that he was replacing me, but he was young (as were we all) and probably had never gotten himself involved in a mess like this before (and, I assume, has never done so since). I did my best to seem angry and potentially violent and yelled at him: "I want you out of our lives, motherfucker." He blinked at me, shocked. A calm discussion of the sutation was not going to happen. Then Kaye started shrieking at me. I don't remember what she said, specifically, except for one item. In what appeared to be a combination of hatred for me and loathing for herself, she said: "... and I fucked Max when you were out the day before our wedding! Yes, that's right, just before our wedding!"

This revelation was a lot less upsetting to me than the situation at that moment. Given that I'd watched her with Max repeatedly already, this wasn't exactly a dagger to my heart. But Gus was horrified: "Pull back the claws!" he said to her. And that was the end of her affair with Gus.

Later that summer, she announced that she had signed a lease on an apartment of her own, but had changed her mind. Somehow, I explained the situation to the landlord and he let her out of the lease. It was a stressful time for me (and that's without considering exams, etc.).

We reconciled and resumed trying to make our marriage work. I think I was trying harder than she was, though.

 

[George]

Very interesting! Quick reaction. Am I on the right path? Extra-marital sex added an element you two used to challenge one another and express anger. (In addition to all the fun adventurous and self-expressive and sharing elements.) But extra-marital sex was not the cause, but instead a release and expression of underlying strains. So cuckolding made it easier to imagine breaking up but was not a major cause of the breakup. With more maturity and self-confidence cuckolding would not have harmed your marriage, or at least much less. Do you feel cuckolding was a root cause of you two's marital difficulties?

 

[nardpleeker]

Very interesting! Quick reaction. Am I on the right path? Extra-marital sex added an element you two used to challenge one another and express anger. (In addition to all the fun adventurous and self-expressive and sharing elements.) But extra-marital sex was not the cause, but instead a release and expression of underlying strains. So cuckolding made it easier to imagine breaking up but was not a major cause of the breakup. With more maturity and self-confidence cuckolding would not have harmed your marriage, or at least much less. Do you feel cuckolding was a root cause of you two's marital difficulties?

George, I think the actions with Max were because it made us horny. She also valued him as a friend, and seemed to think that his friendship was contingent upon sex (I don't necessarily think it was). For me, it wasn't linked with anger until we moved and she started having affairs. I know that she was angry at times because sex with me was not totally satisfying, and maybe the affairs were partly to punish me for that.

After moving, I think she just struck out on her own. We ended up married because of the pressure she created for that the previous year. But, after that summer, she seemed to find the framework of marriage confining. It interfered with her social life and her explorations of relationships with other men.

I certainly don't think the hotwifing was the main cause of our problems. Sex with Max may have lowered the threshold for her to start affairs with others, but I think she would have done it pretty quickly, anyway. Probably, it was more of a symptom of her sexual discontent with me. Remember, it seemed that she just decided she was going to fuck someone that night, and Max was the first guy she stumbled upon (although she wanted me to go along with it, as I did).

The thing is, if she just wanted to have sex with other guys, I would have been enthusiastic -- if we had been partners in the activity. But that's not what she wanted. She didn't want to enhance our relationship or share with me. She wanted to date and have boyfriends and didn't seem interested in my feelings except that it was a hassle having an angry husband around. It also wasn't exclusively sexual experimentation on her part. It was exploring different romantic relationships.

I haven't thought about this in any depth for a really long time. From the perspective of several decades later, I feel like I understand it all better in some ways. Reading the previous paragraph, it sounds a little angry. But I wasn't angry at her when we finally split up and I haven't been angry since. We remain friends. I learned to accept her for what she was and is, not for what I wanted her to be.

I'm sure there are many ways to have happy relationships with extramarital sex. In my opinion, though, the essence of cuckolding is partnership. The husband and wife are doing it (even if he is not present) as a shared experience to enhance their sexual excitement. The husband is intensely interested and aroused by what the wife is doing, and that's a big part of her motivation. Without that, maybe it's an open relationship where neither party wants to know what the other is up to, or just "having affairs". The same basic actions mean something completely different depending on the intent.

 

[George]

Sahara, Custer, Myst, KS, ... What do you think?

 

[nardpleeker]

I'm sorry for the long delay in posting this, the last installment of this tale. I've been busy with other things, and it was time-consuming to write. I hate people who don't finish their stories, though, so I don't want to be one of those!

Kaye and I got along ok until sometime the next Spring. Although a bit tense, I remember it being nice most of the time. We talked, we had fun, we ate together and socialized, we made love.

She had some of her own friends. I would join them sometimes, but not always. There was one particular guy, whom I'll call "Jack", that she particularly admired, who was a close friend of Dick's (mentioned in the previous installment). I did not know him well, but he had a reputation for brilliance. He wasn't especially good looking (less good looking than me), but he had an odd kind of quiet charisma.

In the early Spring of the next year, she started spending a lot of time with him. She would tell me about him. She like his intellectual streak, and was especially taken with his interest in Eastern mysticism. I didn't understand the appeal.

I wasn't happy about her strong interest in Jack, but she assured me that it wasn't romantic. At this point, I had the maturity to understand that I couldn't control her, and that I didn't want to. She was responsible for her actions, and if it turned out she was having another affair. I was "out of there."

One fateful Friday night, she spent the whole evening with him and came back late. When she got home, she was staggering a little from drinking and her hair was a mess. I asked her if she had just gotten laid and she denied it. I asked how stupid she thought I was, and she denied it again. I was torn between feeling guilty about having perhaps falsely accusing her and feeling suspicious. She told me that she was tired and quickly went to bed. I succombed to my suspicions and checked her panties in the hamper, only to find the crotch full of fresh semen. I confronted her with the evidence and watched her pause while she went through a list of possible explanations, rejected them all and finally confessed. "Ok, I fucked him! I'm sorry!"

I began the inevitable interrogation. No, she hadn't been fucking him for weeks, this was the first time. "It just happened. We were sitting there talking, he kissed me, we made out for awhile, and then I said 'Take me to bed'." They had sex once and she came home. No, she didn't come, but "It was just good sex -- do you know what I mean?" Yes, she sucked his cock, which was a little longer than mine, but "much fatter." No, she didn't know what she was going to do next. I didn't know what I was going to do next, either, but I think I knew in my heart that our marriage was not long for this world. I don't remember being turned on by this so as much as I was disappointed and angry. After a lengthy and somewhat hostile discussion, we fell asleep.

After that, I was torn between excitement and anger/disappointment. I tried to cultivate the excitement. Early Saturday evening, she said to me: "I'm going to go visit Jack. If I fuck you now, do you promise not to give me any shit when I come back?" Not feeling that I had much to lose, I agreed. She was unusually accomodating but a little businesslike, and I was horny. I remember her sitting astride me, impaled on my steely erection, slowly moving her hips while I fondled her swaying breasts, with a slightly evil smile on her face. I asked "Are you going to fuck him tonight?" "I don't know." (I didn't have much doubt.) "Are you going to fuck him like this?" "I don't know." "If you DO fuck him, you should do this to him. It feels great!" (No answer.)

I was savoring the feeling and didn't want it to stop (and didn't want her to leave). I felt like I could last all night, and I wanted to. But she had other plans. After some time she said "Are you planning to come soon?" I said "No" -- and she stopped moving, slowly lifted her pussy off my cock, and started to get dresssed. I was, of course, even harder. I resolved to resist jerking off until she returned, presumably well-fucked.

After an excruciating wait of 6-7 hours, she returned at 2 AM, looking much as she had the previous night. "Did you fuck him?" I asked. "Yes -- three times!" she said, seeming surprised and a little proud of her accomplishment. She elaborated: They did it missionary, her on top (as we had done earlier in the evening), and doggy. Did she come? Nope, but it was great sex anyway. And, of course, I was absolutely desperate to fuck. But she was too sore and tired, so she went to sleep. And so did I -- after a long time. The next morning she was still too sore. Also that night, and the next day, and the next day until finally I got laid on Wednesday. Of course, I had had to jerk off many times before that.

In the following weeks, she would announce that she was going to spend the occasional evening with Jack, about once a week. (Surprisingly, he didn't seem to want to have sex with her that frequently -- certainly not as often as I did.) I didn't protest because there seemed to be no point. Although she would answer my questions about what they did matter-of-factly, she didn't volunteer or tease me. The crucial element of teamwork was missing. It was somehow clear that this was completely for her and that she didn't care much how I felt about it. I was certainly not a participant. I proposed various fantasies where they came to our apartment to fuck while I was there. She had no interest, and she knew that he would have none. I suggested that I could spy on them some night through the window. "He'd beat the shit out of you!" she said. That prospect didn't bother me -- I might have welcomed a chance to respond to physical aggression at that point -- but the playing peeping tom without their approval seemed too sleazy for me to want to do it. She always came home though -- maybe he didn't want her to sleep over.

Once, out of the blue, she said "Can I suck your cock?" I did not object. As she stroked my member, she told me that she wanted to practice giving better blow jobs for Jack and wanted my feedback. She asked "Do you like me to lick the front, near the hole?" (I liked everthing, but that wasn't as special as she thought it was.) She did that until her curiosity was satisfied and then we stopped. We didn't fuck and I didn't come.

I rarely maintain grudges. I'm still friends with Kaye and hold no animosity towards most of the guys she had affairs with. I had a nice conversation with Max by email at one point a few years ago, and it was like interacting with any other friend from college. But I do have some anger towards Dick (well, I thought about giving him the pseudonym "Fucking Asshole"). He was blissfully unconcerned about the fact that he was sleeping with a married woman. At one point where I was trying to track Kaye down when we were supposed to be meeting, I overheard the two of them talking and he was actually laughing about the fact that I was probably looking for her. I'm sure I would be civil if I encountered him, but if I read an obituary for him, I might have to suppress a moment of guilty joy.

Anyway, over time, Kaye's behavior became more reckless and even more inconsiderate. Once, she didn't come home until the next morning. Given her recent behavior, I thought she was probably just screwing around, but it was still unusual, so I couldn't help being anxious. It was a rough night. When she got home the next morning, it out that she had not been with Jack, but with Dick (mentioned in the previous episode). She basically asked him on a date then went home with him for the night. I asked what it was like. "He was HUGE!" She said. I asked how big. She held her hands at least 10 inches apart. I protested that he couldn't possibly be that big, and she moved her hands together a little, but I think she was just being agreeable. I asked what they did. "He had trouble getting completely hard, so I got on top and it worked fine." she said. She didn't rave about it. "It was ok." I think she was just satisfying her curiosity and asserting her independence -- or maybe just demonstrating to me how little she cared.

I remember her announcing that she had been invited to a party by a group of guys who shared a house, and I wasn't invited. These were fellow students and it was hard to imagine that they would object to my coming with her. It was simply her desire that I not go. She came back incredibly late, and told me a bizarre story about how she had was making a call on a pay phone on the street after the party when two strange guys invited her to ride with them in their pickup truck. She was ***** and her judgement extremely impaired, so she agreed. She said she sat between them and, after awhile, started having regrets. At which point, she just said "Take me home!" repeatedly like a broken record until they got sick of her and dropped her off.

I was increasingly miserable. The cuckolding excitement and the entertainment of hearing about her adventures were fading, and were overwhelmed by the despair that comes from living with a wife who obviously no longer cared about me. And I felt constant worry in the pit of my stomach that she would do something seriously stupid that would affect both of us.

I still remember a turning point, after she had slept with Dick yet again, when I asked what they had done more specifically. She replied, as though rehearsed: "That's none of your business. That's just between Dick and me." I felt that she had been reluctantly sharing details with me just because she didn't know any better, or didn't want to assert herself. In this case, I guessed that Dick or Jack had told her that she shouldn't be telling me all this stuff. At that point, I realized that we were definitely not partners in her escapades.

That summer, we had a ten-day trip overseas with some relatives that had been planned months before. We went on the trip and had a good time. I was horny as hell, I think because she was fucking other people, and wanted sex constantly (well, I did normally want sex constantly, but it seemed even stronger at this time). Surprisingly, she was agreeable. I would ask her cuckold-inspired questions about her affairs while I pounded her pussy night after night. "Does this feel as good as when he does it?" "Not even close." "Why? What does he do that's better?" "He does this grinding circular motion that feels really great." "Like this?" (as I attempted a grinding circular motion). "Sort of." "Does that feel better?" "Yeah, a little." "Does it feel as good as when he does it?" "No, you just can't do it like he does." There was some thrill in this for me, but, ultimately, it was unsatisfying and it eroded my self respect.

Our lease was going to run out in the Fall, and she proposed that we move into separate places, and that we could still have dates and I could sleep over sometimes. I agreed, at least to the "separate places" part of the plan.


The aftermath

At the end of the summer, as our lease was about to expire, I faced the fact that I would have to find my own apartment. I had less money than she did (I don't remember why -- I guess I had more college debts), so it was a little difficult. But I found a place by myself, not as nice as hers, and began the process of adjusting to living by myself. I would find myself worrying about Kaye, and then, with great relief, tell myself: "That's not my problem any more!"

I enjoyed the freedom of living by myself and doing what I wanted to do, but the loneliness was sometimes crushing. Adjusting to the post-Kaye lifestyle was difficult, mostly because of my lack of experience. Since Kaye had been my first girlfriend, I had little experience with women and didn't know many available ones -- alchemy was a male-dominated field at that time. I didn't have a car, didn't know how to dress and act for successful bar pickups, and generally felt clueless. I gradually formed my own circle of good friends, some of whom coached me through my difficulties. I went through a series of unrequited crushes on women who were friends, but not interested in romance.

Eventually, a female friend (a fellow alchemy student who had a boyfriend back home) took me to a movie for my birthday. I touched her hand, she didn't withdraw hers, and, after the movie, we went back to her apartment to screw enthusiastically. That affair didn't last long, but it gave me a tremendous confidence boost. Later, I started a summer job and fell in love at first sight with an incredibly sexy co-worker -- tall, with pitch-black hair, and large but perky tits with (as I found out later) big nipples. I made a serious effort to contrive excuses to talk to her, and to my total amazement, she was attracted to me at least as strongly as I to her. She was a former high school cheerleader who turned heads everywhere she went. She loved sex, especially with me. I never wanted to share her and never proposed that we do it, even though she did make me jealous on occasion. I remember once telling her the tale of the "count to ten" episode I posted earlier, while slowly fucking her as she lay on her stomach. She got really turned on and came really hard, and afterwards told me it was very exciting, and her main reaction was: "I can't believe you had the guts to do that!" I corrected her: "by 'guts' you mean 'stupidity'", but she didn't agree. Nevertheless, she said that she would never do that, and I didn't want her to. She eventually dumped me after a year and a half, but we had a great time while we were together. I'm still not sure why she broke it off -- I'm still convinced that she still loved me.

Later, I met a startlingly beautiful woman at a party. I might have been afraid to talk to her except that one of my acquaintances was already doing so and I could join the conversation. We kept talking long after he wandered off. It took me awhile to get up the courage to call her up and ask her out, and she accepted with enthusiasm. We got along great, my friends were envious, and, whenever we went to a party, I'd have to make a point to rescue her after awhile from some guy who was chatting her up. Early on, she asked how I would feel if she went on vacation with a former fuckbuddy for a week in another state (!). I asked about sex. "It would be expected" she said. I told her it wasn't a problem -- I thought it was a turn on. But she actually didn't like that -- she was only considering it because she wasn't sure how serious I was about her, and, if I was going to be doing the same kind of thing, didn't want to miss a nice vacation opportunity. I was very serious about her, though, and she skipped the vacation. After that, on occasion, I would fantasize with her during sex about her doing it with someone else (she had plenty of opportunities!). She got into it a few times. More often, she would tell me that the whole scenario was "sad" and that doing something like that would make our relationship less special. After a while, it finally got through to me that these fantasies were making her unhappy, so I kept them to myself. Reading websites like this one has been the extent of my participation in wife-sharing or cuckolding for many years. We've been married more-or-less blissfully for over two decades now, so I feel that I've made the right tradeoffs.

Ten years after we split up, Kaye and I spent a few hours together. I was re-married, of course. Kaye had dumped Jack after a few years, married another guy, had a child, and gotten divorced (after deliberately driving her husband away). We spent a long time "catching up" with what we'd been doing, activities of old friends, etc. After a while, we discussed what had happened during our marriage. Kaye said she was sorry for treating me so badly, and said that she hadn't dated much before me and just felt the need to explore. I grunted an acknowledgement. The apology was nice, but I'd accepted the situation long ago and held no bitterness. More importantly, my life was infinitely better than it would have been had we stayed together. We weren't compatible, and perhaps she realized it better than I did, and dealt with it in her own way. The big mistake was getting married in the first place. I still don't know why she wanted to do that so much, and wish that I had had the wisdom and strength to resist it. Although, as mistakes go, it was recoverable -- no long term damage was done, and we both learned a lot and had some good times.

She said a couple of things that surprised me. She said that she definitely decided to move into her own place after our last vacation, where I was so "sexually demanding". She said "I understand -- get it while you can -- but still ...". I had always thought that I was extra horny at that time as a result of her philandering, but maybe she had a point. In any event, the idea that I would have wanted to stay with her was absurd -- but I didn't want to hurt her feelings by saying so. After that conversation, I realized how much my perspective had changed since our marriage, and thanked my lucky stars for the painful breakup and some of the difficult times after that.

Conclusions

Did cuckolding hurt our relationship? The most basic answer is that it doesn't matter, because the marriage was doomed from the outset. Our sex games certainly created some stress, but many things can do that. I suspect it accelerated the end, which I now regard as a positive thing. But maybe that's not even true. There is a possibility that Kaye felt she was missing out on something even before we were married, and that's why she initiated our activities with Max. If she hadn't done that, she might have started the affairs even sooner.

Fantasy vs. reality: I read cuckold blogs and discussion groups for vicarious pleasure. I see a lot of posts of men describing their fantasy, or sometimes claimed reality, of being cuckolded by their wives and sometimes denied, and I often enjoy those. However, I don't think some of these guys would actually enjoy the scenarios they imagine. As I see it, cuckolding is exciting because of the tension between the marital relationship and the wife's relationship with her boyfriend, fuck-buddy, or whatever. The only way that contradiction to be resolved is for the husband and wife to understand, at some level, that the cuckolding is re-enacting some kind of primitive psychodrama so the husband can safely re-experience the erotic pain of jealousy, feelings of inferiority, and denial, and the wife can engage her fantasy of being a slut. But the husband and wife are, in reality, primary partners and what they are doing is for their mutual pleasure, even if the fantasy involves humiliation and denial. A wife who really does not care about her husband's feelings is not a turn on for any but the most deviantly masochistic husband. Marriage, whatever the sexual activities, is first and foremost a partnership. If either spouse questions that at a deep level, it cannot be a happy marriage. And a spouse who cannot be trusted cannot be a true partner.

 

[George]

Nardpleeker,
Thank you for such an honest and introspective sharing of your life. The best I've read. I completely agree with your conclusions. Cuckolding had little impact on the progression of Kate's marriage with you. Love and commitment overshadow game playing. Your message is a hopeful one and a reminder as to what is truly important.
Thank you again for sharing.