Your future is probably better than you think...
Hi Ms. Cara,
CaraC said:
My husband caught me cheating several years ago, and didn't take it well. I think it broke his heart. It really was the first person I'd cheated with.
That's the traditional response. It sounds like your husband would identify with George Clooney's character in "The Descendent" (the movie). I don't think it would be helpful, though, for you to take him to see it.
CaraC said:
I swore to my husband I was sorry and it would never happen again.
Sounds sort of like making a New Year's resolution to exercise regularly, eat healthier, and lose weight...
CaraC said:
But, it has — a lot — especially with the guy he caught me with in the first place. Others too, though.
Well, that happens. It's positive, in my opinion, that you enjoy a variety of lovers rather than one. The conventional wisdom is, you're less likely to become emotionally attached; i.e., seriously "fall in love" with a lover if you enjoy the sexual pleasures of several, and I suspect there may be some truth in that.
CaraC said:
I love my husband, but he doesn't excite me and we rarely have sex.
You are not alone. Your situation is shared by many other women, including many who no longer love their husbands but feel they must pretend to.
CaraC said:
I feel like I need to be used and filled, or know I will be again soon, in other to function.
There's nothing wrong with that. Your desires are totally normal for a healthy woman like yourself with a reasonably-strong sex drive.
CaraC said:
But I do feel guilty, because he's not accepting like the guys here -- I wish he would be.
Feeling guilty is a widely-shared response among women who act on their natural sexuality and erotic desires. I think it has something to do with a girl growing up, typically, spending much more time with her mother than a boy spends with his father. A result is that her mother — assisted by her female teachers, Sunday-school teachers and other guardians of judeo christian morality — spends much more time grooming her, in effect, to grow up as a GoodGirl (no fucking before marriage), then to become a GoodWife (no fucking men other than her husband, nor even feeling desires to do so, and certainly no kinky stuff). That is, "A woman's mother lives in her head throughout her life." But, with respect to your and other more-or-less analogous situation(s), guilt is a useless emotion.
CaraC said:
My husband is sterile, but if I want to get pregnant it has to be soon. Getting knocked up [by a lover] then having my husband raise the baby really turns me on.
There's no reason it shouldn't. You have every reason to feel turned on by the concept of your husband raising your child, doing much or all of the housework, and otherwise providing you, as your cuckold, with the support you will need to continue enjoying the sexual pleasures of your lovers.
CaraC said:
I accept that the latter will never happen.
It does not strike me as impossible. From what you've said, there may be a good chance of bringing about what you want and need from your husband. A way to begin viewing your situation in more positive ways (IMO) would be to realize that since your husband is sterile, perhaps in association with partial or complete impotency (which is not uncommon among aging men), his options for finding another attractive woman, certainly one of child-bearing age, would be limited if you were to leave him.
In other words, the hand you're holding is probably stronger than you think.
CaraC said:
I wish I could be faithful, since my husband can't stand the thought of me as anything else.
If you and your husband are up for reading a book, given your strong motivation in this case, both of you will see that "faithfulness" appears to be nonexistent among pair-bond species throughout the biosphere including us humans. This was shown by the results of a broad-scale DNA-based study carried out not too long ago, which determined the percentages of offspring, including human offspring, sired by males other than the resident male (in effect, the mother's husband in non-human species, or husband or LTR partner in the case of humans). The results have been summarized in a very readable and fascinating "science for the layperson" book:
Barash, David P., Ph.D., and Judith Eve Lipton, M.D., 2001, The Myth of Monogamy: Fidelity and Infidelity in Animals and People, 227 pp. (hardcover).
Barash is a professor of psychology at the University of Washington; his Ph.D. is in Zoology. Lipton, his wife, is a psychiatrist who has practiced since 1980 and now specializes in women's issues. (They have two children.) You should be able to find reviews by googling "reviews of [the book title]" or something equivalent.
The initial chapters, after the introduction, are "Undermining the Myth: Males," followed by "Undermining the Myth: Females," followed by an additional chapter on "Undermining the Myth: Females."
Note women require two chapters on this subject, while men require only one.
—Custer
