Okay - back to where I was.
Again, I need to say that it wasn't like we sat down and started talking at 9am and continued straight through till 5pm when we were done and had covered everything. I'm putting 3 days of discussion into an order that seems to make more sense instead of how it really took place - a bit of chat before bed, another bit while we ate lunch, another while we took a ski-lift, etc.
In the end, what I am just so totally thrilled to hear her saying - is that she looks back on all the stuff she's done and - mind you she wasn't totally comfortable saying this to me - she's basically saying that she looks back and knows she enjoyed things, but that she now feels that she wants to be the one who's pushing for or wanting this stuff. I wasn't totally understanding it until she gave me one example that made it clear to me. She asked me if I remembered the time with Don (duh - as if I could forget it) but specifically she asked if I'd remembered the week he found a way to be with her every day and sometimes more than once and how he wanted her to not have sex with me. I remembered it well and I told her so. She hesitated a bit before coming out and saying that she wanted to do that again, but this time, she wants it to be HER that is making the demands on her lover and she wants it to be her who decides if I have sex with her.
Good thing we were in the hotel room when she said this as the hard-on that sprouted would have been wickedly uncomfortable in ski-gear!!! I cannot describe the thrill I had hearing her say that she wants to decide what she will do sexually. I was almost scared to ask her if she was thinking of reliving that experience again from her new perspective. She giggled and simply said "definitely" and then added "of course that is if you are okay with it".
I almost told her that she shouldn't be concerned if I'm okay with it but I don't know that she's there just yet and I honestly didn't want to scare her by saying that and instead I just answered "I'm sure I'll be okay". But I know that she still wants and even needs my reassurances so that's cool. But to hear her tell me (in not so many words) that SHE is the one who wants to fuck Frank like that was just such an incredible thing. She is becoming the sexual woman I have always dreamed of - self-confident, in control and finally, not scared to want her own experiences.
Yes, it came up, as part of what she'd said about Don, about her denying me. She said that it didn't turn her on to simply deny me sex with her - that she didn't necessarily get that much of a turn-on to simply tell me no - but she admitted openly that if she's going to have sex with someone, or has already had it - that it is much more of a turn-on to her. Simply saying "no" isn't it - but she now accepts and openly admits that saying "no" to me either just before or just after she's been with Frank has become very arousing to her. But the thing is, she still needs (came out and said it) to know that it turns me on. She says that as long as she knows that it makes me horny at those times if she says no (obviously with me knowing why) that it is incredibly arousing to her. I told her it surely did and she giggled and asked me to tell her how it feels and basically to ask me almost what I wanted. It was a little awkward to say to her at first, I mean even though we talk openly about so much, it is still a little hard for me to tell my wife that I want her to deny me sex when she is with her lover - but I did relax as she was truly all ears and totally non-judgemental. I told her that it turned me on to think of her being exclusively with Frank (or whoever else) sexually for a while. I told her that the feelings I have of knowing she's fucking him and not me - whether it's a day or a week - is just so intense that it makes me want her even more. I confessed openly that the idea of just his cum being in her pussy for so long just makes me want her even more and the thought of and then finally having her again makes it all worthwhile for me. I told her the orgasms I have when I do finally reclaim her afterwards are the most intense and that somehow knowing only "he" has been in her for so long is almost perversely arousing to me.
Clearly we talked about her spending more alone-time with Frank. The whole denial conversation led to it and it clearly would have come up anyway. I told her that an overnight every now and then would probably be okay as long as we can be sure the kids don't question things. That was actually the conversation that led to our discussing how she feels about her relationship with Frank. I asked her basically if she would be spending the whole time "making out" with him and that's when she laughed and said that they don't do it that much, etc. But she openly said that she - yes SHE - wants to feel totally un-rushed when she's with him. I told her I knew that and she continued by saying how she would like to sleep and wake up with him. I asked how that was different than when she was with Brad and spent the night. She again came back by saying she was so new to it all that she now realizes she'd still been more focused on him and I than herself.
She asked me again if she could ever go away with Frank for more than an overnight, I think she knew that all of this talk had worn me down (or warmed me up!). She asked what I was worried about and reminded me that she'd been away that first time in Boston. I told her that was different, she was away legitimately and that seemed different to me than her simply planning on being away with her lover - to which she immediately asked "why"? I was stumped and I told her so - but then I acquiesced a bit and said that at least for right now, I wasn't up for it, but I did tell her that if things went okay, that maybe it'd be okay.
Now this last conversation above was yesterday and I think she'd gotten her confidence about it by then and she started to try to convince me into it. So I turned the tables on her and asked her what she was thinking and why?! She said that with how she feels about Frank, that she feels she would be able to handle and enjoy a very sexual weekend with him. She said she wasn't totally comfortable telling me that but it was the truth. She emphasized that she doesn't want to be "alone with her lover", that it isn't the emotional side of things that she's feeling she wants - but rather, as she put it, that SHE wants the sex part of it. I smiled when she said that and she said "so you do understand" and I could only nod my head yes.
So, to summarize before I logoff for lunch - she says that she wants to re-live and re-experience much of what she did with Brad and Don - but that she wants to take the lead and that with Frank, she feels that she finally can. All I can say is that I told her that I would let her know when any of it is too much - and until then, I told her that she has my love and blessing to enjoy it all.