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What does everyone get out of cuckoldry? PLEASE EXPLAIN!

  • Thread starterIffy'swifey
  • Start date



Excuse me if this seems like a really stupid question, but can could it please be explained to me just what everyone gets out of the cuckold scene? I really don't understand it.

Firstly, the black man - he is referred to as a "black bull" etc, which to me dehumanises him and makes him appear as little more than an animal. I think this has more than a hint of racial bigotry about it. Many black men in the cuckold scene refer to white women as sluts and whores. Is this just a figure of speech or is this how you see white women? Is this some sort of payback for former slavery and oppression? If you were single, would you consider a serious relationship with a white woman? If you have a partner now, what race is she and does she know about your cuckoldry?

The white woman - If the black man is good enough to fuck, then why not good enough to marry etc? Would these same women who are in the cuckold scene also consider a serious relationship with a black man if they were single and able to have one? If you're not sexually satisfied with your white man, then why stay with him? If you consider him a wimp, then how can you respect him and therefore how can it be a good relationship? How do you feel about being referred to as a slut etc?

The white man - what on earth do you get out of letting your wife go with someone who you both consider sexually superior? How can you feel secure in your relationship if you know you can't even satisfy your own woman? Swinging I can understand as everyone goes into it as equals. But in the cuckold scene it seems as though the white man is little more than a pussy? Whatever happened to REAL men?

This is not me getting on my moral high horse or being judgemental, I'm just very confused by it all. And in no way am I a prude or anto interracial sex etc. In fact I am marrying a black man and having his child in less than 3 weeks. But I consider him my equal, and he considers me the same. Yes I do get turned on by his amazing physique and I love the contrast in our skin tones. But he's not my bull and I'm not his bitch. So PLEASE explain to me what you all get out of it. Also, are there any "normal" people on here who just like good old fashioned interracial sex?!
our thoughts

I believe your curiosity in cuckolding is genuine. I also believe you are viewing the lifestyle through a fairly narrow prism. You claim some very traditional beliefs related to monagamy, traditional roles of men and women and superiority/inferiority within the sexual context. At the same time you point out that your are not a prude etc.

The quick answer to your question, is that people who do this for real. (and yes there are many more that live this in fantasy alone) all have their own motivations and probably find just as much security in their arraingement as does a tradtional monagamous couple.

I do not believe the white couple uses or demeans the black male. They simply invite him in and hopefully make a friend as well as an intimate partner. I do not believe that to feel secure in marriage I need to believe i am the end all to what my spouse could ever hope for in a sexual partner. Its not really in the end about her picking him over me, or anything like that.
I wouldn't say I view it through a narrow prism, but from my own perspective.

I suppose I do have fairly traditional views on monogomy etc, but I am also a firm believer in "each to their own". As I explained, I understand the swinging scene, even though I'm not into it. Everyone appears to be an equal and it seems more respectful, but that doesn't appear to be the case with cuckoldry, unless part of the fun for you is role play and word play.

OK, I hear what you say about not needing to be the end all to your spouse, and if bringing someone else into the bedroom works for you as a couple then all well and good. But the terminology used about the white man being a wimp, and treated as second rate doesn't seem very healthy to me. And I genuinely do believe that black men are regarded as animal like in all this. It would be different if the white couple just wanted to experience something different, to see black on white etc, but instead he is referred to as a "bull" which harks back to slavery when the black man's supposed superior strength was a justification for putting them to hard labour etc.

I don't wish to sound like I'm getting on my moral high horse, because I'm not. I just don't understand that's all. I believe that people should be free to do what they want, so long as everyone consents and nodody gets hurt.

Interracial sex is regarded as a fetish as it is, me and my man get funny looks together sometimes, and that's just when we're holding hands, not getting down to it in public!
imho the charge you get is for the same reason you get a charge from a lot of sexual fetishes: because it's so taboo. Obscene. Forbidden.

Letting your wife get nailed by another man, sometimes even in your very presence, is hot to us in the same way a sex scene involving a girl dressed in a nun's outfit is hot to someone who has a religion fetish. It's not hard to understand.
I think the interracial element comes into play because of the black guys reps for being more athletic, and the FACT that most of them are hugely hung. THere's a reason you don't see porn stars with little dicks. Nobody likes a little dick, nobody gets turned on by it. You want to see your women getting dicked down by someone with a larger (better) dick than your own, and you want to see her enjoy it.

In addition to that, all cuckoldry imho involves some element of submission on the part of the male. Some people enjoy being cut by razors, or being tied up and spanked with a belt. It's the same thing for cuckolds except that the pain/pleasure is mental and emotional. That doesn't make it any less real.
I sort of understand the swinging and group sex etc, that doesn't really need to be questioned. OAnd the general interracial thing I can also understand the thrill of. But ANY man allowing himself to be disrespected by his own wife I don't. And ANY man gleefully regarding another man's cock as better than his own also seems strange to me. We all know that there's always someone bigger and better than you, but to continually seek out someone is seems a little bit like being a glutton for punishment really!

I'm not judging, I'm just curious.

And I wouldn't say that it's a FACT that most black men are hugely hung. Maybe more well hung black guys are confident enough to go after women of different races, particularly white women as we have a reputation of being more bold in bed...so they then talk of his huge dick and the word spreads. I don't know, just a thought!
Iffy'swifey said:
I sort of understand the swinging and group sex etc, that doesn't really need to be questioned. OAnd the general interracial thing I can also understand the thrill of. But ANY man allowing himself to be disrespected by his own wife I don't. And ANY man gleefully regarding another man's cock as better than his own also seems strange to me. We all know that there's always someone bigger and better than you, but to continually seek out someone is seems a little bit like being a glutton for punishment really!

I'm not judging, I'm just curious.

And I wouldn't say that it's a FACT that most black men are hugely hung. Maybe more well hung black guys are confident enough to go after women of different races, particularly white women as we have a reputation of being more bold in bed...so they then talk of his huge dick and the word spreads. I don't know, just a thought!

Iffy ... it may be strange in your book but it's certianly not uncommon. the humiliation is a a psychological form of submission and if you read/know anything about the S&M community in general you find that the biggest demand-gap is in the mass of Men who want a Female dom.

People do lots of things that make them suckers for punishment, obstentibly because certian feelings/needs condition are met at the time or along the way by the activity.

I'm with you on item 2. I can go down to the gym anytime glance around and disprove the all black men have giant cocks theory. In the very huge category there are clearly more black guys, but frankly that is by no means a large group in either race.

The effects of societal expectationon a black guy who doesn't have a large unit might be kind of damaging too. As Arsenio Hall once joked "where's my damn Oak Tree ?"

- Mr. Lurker

I just read the last response kind of quickly. Iffy, I was going to say some of what the last writer touched on, too. I have had regular interracial relationships as u call them-monogomous. They are great and when I marry it will be to a black man as that is all I date; it is my attraction factor, just like someone else likes tall men or long legged women. However, what this "scene" incorporates that tradtional swing scenes do not, is the sub female and dom black male relationship. I do get off into humiliation and being controlled; I like to feel like I am made to serve with no choice. It is a fantasy of sorts and a role play of sorts. I do act it out in real at times too. Now there are varying degrees and people on here vary too. I will never be in cuckold situation as white men do not turn me on at all, so I will never have relationships with them that can go this route. All I wanted to say is it is a multitude of needs and fetishes here, serving S & M, humiliation, cuckolding, domination, submissiveness, servitutde, all kinds of real and fantasy relations. Take what u need from any of it, even if its just a little fantasy or a glimpse into another lifestyle.
I think a lot of you have hit the nail on the head here. Its about what turns people on and what the cuckold couple desire. Not all of us are into extreme humiliation or even very extreme dominance and submission.

I will have to admit though I love the teasing my wife can give me, about him being both larger and better in bed than I. That does not mean I want that all the time and after 15 years of marriage we can read each other pretty well. She knows when a good time to tease and when it isn't.

I realize there is truth in it of course. The guy my wife currently sees is both better hung, more athletic, better in several other ways no doubt. But he is not me and he is not her husband. He is a friend that has the priveledge of fucking my wife, truly said. We do play the Dom sub games with him but its all about play. After it's done he and i could just easily go to a basketball game together and have a beer.

Do i ever fear losing her to the better man as it were? When we first started this almost seven years ago, it did cross my mind. Not anymore we are about as bonded and in love as a couple can be..more so because of our intimate lives.
robtandhiswife said:
.. we are about as bonded and in love as a couple can be..more so because of our intimate lives.

Very interesting. Do you believe to be more the acception than the rule?

Do you (Rob) consider yourself a cuckold?

What emotions do you experience as a result of another man maintaining dominance in your bedroom?

Do you have specific feelings about that man being black?

Is it possible that you are merely a white couple who involves a black friend in their happily married sex-play, since I understand true cuckolding by defenition, generally involves feelings of humiliation?

I did a quick web search and was able to find some supportive clinical literature...

By definition a Cuckold is a man married to an unfaithful wife, carrying implications of helplessness, disloyalty, betrayal and shame... implications that the husband is helpless to stop her infidelity, and too cowardly to leave the wife.

This goes back to early European traditions where the community gathers to collectively humiliate a man whose wife gives birth to a child recognizably not his own. This is said to have been a parade where the hapless husband is ****** to wear antlers on his head as a symbol of his wife’s infidelity, thus the cuckolding term "wearing the horns".

"Horns" are a metaphor for suffering the infidelity of a partner. The gesture of the horned hand can be used to insult the cuckold; (the Italian translation, cornuto literally means horned and the Spanish word for a consenting cuckold, cabrón, has such an offensive nuance that it is a taboo word rarely used with its original meaning, "he-goat".)

The term has made a resurgence in the late 20th century amongst couples with a dominant female allowed to take on additional partners, and a submissive male is either monogamous to her or denied sex altogether, aside from performing oral sex. Some dominant women have their male partner watch them have sex with others, but the more common practice is for the domme to go out on dates, while her sub or slave stays at home. Some dominants have their sub or slave perform oral sex on them after they have had sex with another man.

Cuckolding among female-dominant couples differs from the original definition of cuckolding in that many of these men are voluntarily "cuckolded" by their wives, as part of the husband's sexual fantasy of gaining sexual pleasure from being humiliated by his wife—indeed, the husband may even be the instigator of this practice, raising questions about who is truly the dominant and who the truly submissive partner.

In the fantasy realm, the wife of a cuckold is sometimes referred to as a "hotwife". In a broader context, the contrast between a cuckold and bull is sometimes used to summarize an individual's personality or behavior; the bull representing an agressive alpha male and the cuckold suggesting weakness, fear and vulnerability.
Good thread guys. Chinese, your input is valued here, just want you to know that.

Some very valid questions. Yes I do consider myself a cuckold and yes it's important that he be a black man. Oddly perhaps, I can not imagine her being with another white man. I am actually the only white guy she has ever slept with and for a blonde girl from minnesota that is truly saying something :) She also confirms that other white guys simply do nothing for her. If you ask her about white celebrities for instance she can come up with none that she finds interesting. The list on the black side of that group is quite long.

So why did she marry me? We fell in love. It sounds corney but its true and now we are bonded by years of marriage and children. Do I turn her on like i did when i was 24, doubt it :) But we are very close and she still wakes me in the middle of the night for lovin, not bad for a couple married that long.

I see the humiliation thing as being present for us, it just is well managed and for our personalities takes the form of teasing. I ask her often...is he better than I and if i say it with a grin or a smile i know she will say...heck yes he is way better in bed than you. I think if i asked her with hurt or trouble on my mug, she'd know and the answer would be more protective of whatever insecurity i was facing at the moment.
and i'll add

We do the dominance submissive role with him quite well as a couple. Its awesome, its not overly filled with d/s or bondage things but there is no doubt that man is in charge in our bedroom when he is there. We have done things that could possibly make at least half of this board blush :)
dominaiton/humiliation for us deffinately.
Re: question to iffy wife

hephaestus said:
Hi iffey wife,

I'm just curious to know where you come from in the UK and how you ended up meeting your black husband?

Could I also ask that what exactly is your curiosity about cuckoldry, as you are in an exclusive relationship with a blackman, and as far as I am aware you have not been involved in a cuckold relationship.

Hope you don't mind me asking, i'm just curious to know.

I'm in Norfolk and I met my man at Stansted airport when we were on the same flight together. I have been and never will be in cuckold relationship. My interest in it as that I don't understand. I think it started because when searching for interracial photos (non porno kind) to use as wallpaper for my pc, nearly everything Google came up with was porn. I tried using different search words but all I got was more porn. It amazed me that when black and white get together it is viewed by outsiders to be somehow kinky. Yes we have a fabulous sex life, but that's because we're both highly sexed, imaginative, passiuonate people...not because he's a big black man and I'm a slut blonde (or any other racial stereotypes that are used).

As previously said, I can understand swinging etc, as everyone goes into it on equal terms, I can understand the sub/dom thing when not taken too far, but cuckoldry seems to be an extreme way of life and I wonder where the lines are drawn. And I'm particularly curious about black men feel about being seen as mere animals in this, as the black man is nearly always the aggressor, he is seen as a big dick and not much else really. It bothers me and I know several black men (not in the cuckold scene) who find the racial stereotypes quite dehumanising, but there are others who will milk it for all it's worth.

I'm also curious about why white couples often purely seek out black men. To me there's a hint of racial bigotry about it. IE, the black man comes along, does some animalistic manual labour and then goes - all under the controll of the white couple...reminds me a bit of slavery.
all sexual fetishes have subtexts and you can pretty much extrapolate any emotion or context you want if the fetish is complex enough, and cuckoldry is nothing if not complex.

Is it racist? Sure it is. If you're looking for a big black man then your considerations are by definition racist. However racist in this context is a very broad term, and since in this situation the result is that the black guy gets free super hot kinky sex I'd say most of them have no complaints.

You're smart enough to understand what's going on from the replies already generated in this thread, don't look for problems or insults that simply aren't there. This particular fetish is about the subjugation and domination of the white husband, not the black man. And actually there are more than a couple black guys who are into being cuckolded, it just doesn't fit into this particular website. It will in our upcoming sister site at cuckolds.com though.
One more thing: it's not the situation that all white couples into cuckolding or any variation thereof solely seek out black guys. You just happened to come onto a website built for people who are into this. It's merely a subniche of a larger fetish, kinda like CBT is a subniche of D/S.

You can't come onto darkcavern.com and be surprised and shocked at white couples looking for black guys. That's what this site is about, and that's all you're going to see here, and you had to know that going on unless you're blind or willfully ignoring that fact.
Without a doubt the black men in the cuckold triangle is the dominant party. I can not imagine how a guy would feel used in that situation. I definitely see that in the broadest sense of the word there is a "racist" part of this, but certainly not a negative form.

All men that have ever had my wife were there of their own free will and could leave the relationship at will, just as that was also our option.

For a man not in a committed monagamous relationship, having a cuckold couple is in many ways the best of all worlds. Sex without commitment and a fuck buddy that will likely never turn the tables on you and expect more.
dig420, you said "However racist in this context is a very broad term, and since in this situation the result is that the black guy gets free super hot kinky sex I'd say most of them have no complaints." Just because the black man is "rewarded" for his efforts, that doesn't make it OK, not in my eyes anyway.

But I'm aware that it's each to his own. Ownership of a situation, or even word depends greatly on how it is used. For example, the term "nigga", certainly a word I'd never use, but my boyfriend and his friends use it all the time...calling themselves and each other it. But if a white person were to call them it, all hell would be let loose. So that demonstrates that it's HOW something is done that matters, not so much WHAT.

And of course I am aware what would be on here, this site link was sent to me by a black man who thought I'd be curious about it. I didn't stumble across this site, act all shocked and demand an explanation. I was given the link, explored and was very curious about the whole situation, particularly the racial stereotypes. I wanted to understand it a bit more, particularly from a black male perspective.

robtandhiswife, it's not so much the general swinging aspect of this that I don't understand, or even group sex (been there, done that!) but it's how people play out their roles in the bedroom, some of them quite strictly, and then once the guest star goes home, how do they all return to normal. I understand some people get off on humiliation, but for a man to be mocked by his wife, in the presence of another "superior" man, how do they then go back to being equals after that? It's usually easy to seperate love from sex, we've all done it. But the cuckold situation seems to go a bit further than just sex, so I wonder how it all goes after the sex is done.
Interesting thread


I often have a hard time with the whole cockhold thing as a Dom WM. But that doesn't mean I don't understand it. I am fairly active in my local BDSM groups and see many sub males, its all in what turns you on. Not nessessarily for the vanilla world to see.

Consider this, what drives a powerfull executive to pay a proDom to tie him up, whip him, call him names and make him eat from a dog bowl? Simple it revs him up, gets him off makes the next day at work a little brighter for him.

D/s is a wonderful relationship to have. My wife is my slut and I tell her so commonly, but not at family dinner. Her fantasies are to be used, slave like. I am a Voyuer so getting a hotel and inviting guests (Men or Women) and ordering her to suck cock, lick someones asshole, fetch drinks, take a load of cum up her ass. All the while thanking me or our guest for the privilage of serving them. It really isn't that uncommon, its been in literature for centuries now. (Story of "O", Carrie's story, Anne Rice's Beauty Series and some obscure literature dating back to the Greeks and Romans)

On the Dom side I make sure she's safe, secure, taken care of. Nothing happens that would injure her mentaly or physicaly, I'm very watchful and careful. I meet and choose any of our extra's, I seek out good looking Black men because of the taboo factor and most of them are pretty cool.

I think I am rambling,

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