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It Goes On and On and On and On

  • Thread starterkevinsslave
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kevinsslave

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May 6, 2008
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Well, it's been awhile since I've updated, so here goes. I've started a new thread since the old ones have too much old info in them and it just seems like a good point for a fresh start.

So, my wife's sister's wedding was last weekend in Pittsburgh. Beautiful city (but I hate their football team). I actually went there Thursday evening and got my room at the Omni William Penn (great hotel btw). Kristy came to the hotel and we went out for dinner and drinks. It was wonderful. I'd forgotten just how much fun we could have together. Despite the fact that I'd made my mind up, before getting there, that I would not sleep with my wife, my resolve crumbled at about 2:00 a.m. and, bang, we had a wonderful couple of hours of passionate sex. I must say, probably because I thought we'd never be together again, I just didn't want to let go of her (or she of me). We fell asleep in the infamous spoon position.

Friday was the rehearsal dinner and then, again, drinks (with her sister, soon to be brother in law, and a lot of other people). A great night followed, once again, by a wonderful, intimate night at my hotel. Sex was fantastic.

She didn't push me to get back together and didn't ask about Sheila (which I'll get to later). Saturday was the wedding and reception. It turned out to be a wonderful day (even though it rained early). Of course, though, a problem, somewhat arose at the wedding reception. One of the groom's cousins is a 21 year old guy named Cody. Cody is a fucking gorgeous skinny blond (with slightly long hair) guy. He is the only type of guy that I have ever, really, found attractive. He has a slightly androgynous look. I remembered the last time that I saw him, he was 18 and in a baseball uniform. I also remembered that day that I wanted to rip his shoes off, smell his feet and suck his cock. I didn't but I wanted to.

Anyways, Cody pretty much hung out with me at the reception. He hadn't brought a date, so, since my wife was in the wedding party, he and I seemed to be the only guys alone, at times. I also think that Cody wanted to fuck Kristy and knew that I was somewhat attracted to him, because the drunker he got, the more playful he became with his manner of speech and, I guess, flirting. Of course, as the night progressed, he seemed to fawn all over my wife (who looked positively stunning in her maid of honor dress). As I got more inebriated, I kept thinking (more and more) how I'd love to watch this young stud fuck the daylights out of Kristy. This made me angry because, I thought, what the fuck, I left her, basically, because I felt emotionally detached from her due to her extramarital affairs and, yet, there I was, wanting BADLY for her to engage in one.

I think Kristy picked up on my feelings because she, more or less, flirted back with Cody. Which is funny, because, when we're around her family, she's actually very straight laced (I guess she figured, what the hell, it's a wedding and everyone's having fun and *****). Of course, I saw how closely Cody watched when Kristy and I would kiss or she'd rub my back or grab my hand or whatever. And, I know his cock was aroused because, at one point, we headed to the bathroom together and (yes I admit it) since we were side by side at the urinals, I looked down and saw his cock standing erect (and, yes, I wanted to drop to my knees right there and take his cock in my mouth).

We all drank a lot and, of course, after the reception, Kristy (and I) along with the other members of the wedding party helped with the gifts and everything. Cody hung around and, lo and behold, the night ended with Kristy, Cody and I in my hotel room. We drank and talked and I could see how much Cody wanted my wife. Finally, at one point, when Kristy went to the bathroom, Cody told me, "Dude, your wife is so fucking hot." I sort of muttered "thanks," and before I knew it I said, "you want to have a threesome." He laughed, but, then could see that I was serious. At that moment, Kristy came out and said, "You know, I can hear what you assholes are saying," and with that, she sat next to me on the bed and started to make out with me. Cody just stared as Kristy and I kissed more and more passionately and as Kristy I undressed, I saw Cody rubbing his cock through his pants (watching us from the chair). I motioned him to come over and he seemed hesitant, but finally he came to the bed.

He unzipped his pants and lay next to us. At that point, I started to slowly fuck my wife. She moaned softly as I entered her, gently. We fucked for a few minutes and then I looked at Cody. It was his turn. He mounted my wife and began fucking her like a wild man. At this rate, I knew he'd last all of 2 minutes, so I grabbed his ass with my hand and slowed him down. "Slower, easier," I whispered, guiding his ass up and down. When I saw he hit her "spot" I firmly held his ass (and, therefore, his cock) into place and told him to try to fuck her there. It was no use, he started to go fast again, so I pulled him back off her and said, "my turn, again." With that, I now made passionate love to my wife, and, finally, she shuddered and came. I rolled off her and could see Cody jacking himself off. He seemed to know that now it was my turn to satisfy him, because, he looked at me, laid back next to Kristy and spread his legs apart so that I could suck his cock. I immediately started to suck him and his cock nearly gagged me a few times as he thrust it deep into my throat. He kept his hands on the back of my head and wanted me to go faster. I must confess I was a bit out of practice and really was having a hard time keeping him in my mouth. Finally, I could feel his veins tensing and he exploded in my mouth. Now, everyone had cum but me.

Now, Kristy had begun sucking me towards the end of my blowjob of Cody. I laid back and Cody twirled my hair while Kristy finished me off. It really was wonderful.

After, I knew it would be awkward for everyone in the morning, so we talked a bit and all fell asleep in the king bed.

More later, I need a break.
 
OK, so, a couple of hours after we all **********, I awoke to go to the bathroom and noticed Cody wasn't in bed anymore. I figured that he'd gone, but, as I made my way down the little hall to the living room type portion of the suite, I saw him laying on the couch, jacking off, while smelling my wife's panties (she either left them on the floor after sex or he took them off her). I stared and he must have heard me breathing or whatever because he opened his eyes and nearly jumped off the couch in surprise.

He tried to stammer an explanation and I stopped him. "It's all right, I know she turns you on." He said, "I want to have sex with her again, so bad, but, like, how do I, you know, like satisfy her or whatever?" I laughed. "No, really, I mean, you gave her an orgasm in a few minutes, I've never been able to do that to a girl." I told him he'd learn, eventually, but it was too late to discuss tonight. "Finish your business," I said and headed to the bathroom. When I came out, he looked at me and said, "Can you help me out, again?" I dropped to my knees and started to lick his gorgeous cock while he smelled Kristy's panties. He told me it felt so good and so, I eagerly took him in my mouth and sucked his cock. I slowly stroked it with my hand while going up and down with my mouth. His body slowly bucked up and down and he, basically, started to fuck my mouth. I let him, sped up my actions, and took him deeper. It wasn't long until he came for the second time that night in my mouth (much less cum this time). He just laid there and I asked if I could please kiss his feet while I stroked myself. He looked confused but said "OK." So, I sat there on the floor, kissing, sucking and licking his feet and toes, all the while jacking myself off. It was wonderful.

More in a bit.
 
Okay. Now you are seeking what you hated.
 
You should find ways to get Cody and your wife together ON THEIR OWN. Your wife will teach him to slow down his stroking rate, and to lick her in the right ways. You can be Cody's slut "on demand 24/7" whenever he is in town. Each time your wife and Cody fuck, he could take her panties as a souvenir and you can buy her a replacement to show your appreciation of her cucking you.
 
AngleBaby, you hit the nail on the head. It is the same self-destructive behavior as before. Kevinsslave will not be satisfied with any woman until he has totally destroyed the relationship and needs to beg to have her back. Once he has her back, he will start the process again. He is a pain junkie! KS, I'll say it again, you need counseling to sort out your issues before you lose both women, everything you have worked for, and possibly your life itself. PS: Marriage counseling does not count, and will not work for YOU.
 
Sounds like you have a great situation. You have a wife to fuck and a cock to suck. And, your wife doesn't mind having a threesome. So what is the problem?
 
I agree. It sounds like a pretty good arrangement. All except the foot-licking/sucking thing, that I don't get.
 
I think this is a bad arrangement. Susan's Slave described kevin's cycle fairly well. He enjoys the submission, hates himself for it, hates the submission, lashes out at his partner, begs for the partner to come back. It is self destructive and thus it is not a healthy relationship he seeks.
 
Angle and Susan's, I tend to agree with you, but, let me get the rest of this whole sordid mess out. That Sunday (the night after the wedding) was Father's Day and Kristy and I were taking her dad and mom (and other sister) out for dinner that night. Cody had plans with his family.

It was uncomfortable when we all woke up. Again, it was one of those nights that, without drinking, probably wouldn't have happened. But, it did and there was no denying it. We made coffee and kind of had a ****** conversation about keeping it all to ourselves and with that Cody left. BTW, Sar, I did let Cody take her panties as a souvenir of sorts.

Kristy and I had a heart to heart. She didn't understand how I could leave her and feel so distant due to her fucking other men and, yet, allow or want Cody to have his "shot" at her. I couldn't explain it other than I felt like I fell off the wagon and the guy seemed so fucking enthralled by her that, I don't know. Truthfully, I told her, I had my bisexual/submissive feelings flare up and I really wanted to suck his cock. Also, at least I felt like I had some control over the situation. He was, after all, only in her for a few minutes.

But, then, I asked her why she did it. She candidly told me that she knew he was pining away for her and he was young and good looking.

I know this isn't going to sound good, but, we both started to laugh and I said, "You know, we're really wicked people, sometimes." Kristy wanted to know where our marriage stood and I told her I honestly didn't know. No doubt I still loved her, no doubt I missed her. Also, no doubt I still had issues. I told her that as much as I loved her, I didn't expect to wait around for me to make up my mind. She told me she didn't understand what I was going through but she figured since she played around for all the time we were together (many times without my input), maybe, she had a little of this coming to her. She again reiterated that she was perfectly happy to leave it all behind and start new, just the two of us. I wasn't sure based on the events of last night that either of us could turn our backs on it.

We actually had a good time that evening and the next day went to therapy/counseling. Each of us, previously, had seen the psych 2 times. My personality test (or whatever the hell it is) showed (wonder of wonders) that I'm susceptible to alcohol abuse and that I'm unconcerned with social norms and customs.

Really, this session was interesting, as truly, I think the psych was disgusted with both of us. When we went through the events of Saturday night, he told both of us that we were engaged in self-destructive behavior and (I think) chided both of us for being reckless with Cody. Basically, he suggested we come up with ground rules for our relationship that would work at strengthening our marriage as opposed to tearing it down. Also, although it was good to talk about the past, we had to decide (this was more for me) to put it behind us and work on new rules and a new relationship.

I spent one last night with Kristy and we agreed that she should come home for a couple days every 2 weeks. She'll be here, in town, tomorrow night and stay until Thursday. I actually had a wonderfully intimate and romantic last evening in Pittsburgh and I guess I have to figure out what I'm going to do.

Sheila has actually made a reconciliation with Kristy somewhat easier in that Sheila is acting completely insecure. She was furious that I went to the wedding, furious that I'm going to counseling (she only knows about the marriage counseling, I am also seeing this psych, individually, as well) and, overall, just pissed at me. I don't blame her. And, now I'm lying to her about the extent of what's going on with Kristy (Sheila would cut my balls off if she knew I had sex with my wife).

I can't say that it's been bad with Sheila because I do look forward to being with her and I do have fun with her. I think it's probably that some of the "newness" has worn off. I have a relationship with her and, alas, relationships do take work. I don't enjoy being untruthful to her. I feel guilty, actually. I know this is selfish, but, every time I think of fessing up to her, I think about her sweet feet, legs, body and personality and don't want to lose her. So, I just lie. Uggghhhh, it's not right, I know, so please, no preaching.

As to Cody, I really have no desire to be cucked by him or to be with him again. When I was younger, there was this really gorgeous black girl that I wanted to date. I had never dated a black girl and in the early to mid 80s, there was still a taboo about being with black women. I went out with her a few times, had sex with her, found out she was the same as other women, and lost interest. I can say the same for Cody. I had some lust for him, was with him, and have lost interest. I guess that is reckless, but, it's the truth. Although, I must say, the thought of my wife teaching him to be a good fuck does turn me on. As does the thought of me sucking him off until he comes so that he can last longer. But, I suppose, sober, I realize that those are fantasies that are better left as fantasies. I know this because Cody has called me and (as 21 year olds are wont to do) was *****, and basically hinted that he'd like to get together with me and/or me and Kristy again-I laughed and told him "we'll see what happens in the future" hoping he just finds a nice girl to date, fuck, and occupy his time.

I can see it's all fairly self-destructive and I need to change it. But, I guess, Rome wasn't built in a day.
 
Your GF should be mad at you too. She should dump you, because you are no better than the cads out there are. You are lying to her, cheating on her by sleeping with your wife, which is an interesting concept you have landed yourself in, and you will hurt her two times again before this is over. The first time when you tell her the truth of what happened and the second time by leaving her.
Be a man, tell her now and buy her a masters degree as a parting gift.
Edit: You know what, that isn't enough. You also should buy her jerk of a husband an undergrad degree, so he has a chance at changing himself and support a family with your GF.
 
KS I'm glad to hear that you are seeing a counselor on your own as well as with your wife. Some of your comments were very funny. Of course there were no surprises in your psychological profile, you've been living it for a long time. You went for counseling because you knew something wasn't working.

If your marriage counselor was a little disgusted by your story of the previous night it means he needs to work on his game face. I'm sure cases like yours are what he lives for, sure beats the "he doesn't like my mother", "she's frigid", "if he loved me he'd put the toilet seat down" stuff he hears every other day!

AngleBaby is right in saying Sheila should dump you, but given your luck (?) so far I doubt she will. She will probably put up a great fight to keep you. I'm not sure why he thinks you should buy her, and her husband, college educations though? I think she went into this with her eyes wide open and doesn't deserve any pity. After all, she is half of the couple that tried (is trying?) to break up your marriage. I'm not saying you didn't screw her over emotionally, but only that she knew it was a big risk factor in being with you.

Good luck and continue to post. I'm not a big fan of what you are doing to yourself and others, but you do write a mean and very relatable post every time!
 
Susan: Because he played her, got her hopes honestly up and looking forward to some real change in her life, only to be sent back to the lower class.
 
Your GF should be mad at you too. She should dump you, because you are no better than the cads out there are.

Yeesh, Angle, don't sugarcoat things, tell it like it is. I'm a lot of things but I'm not sure a cad is one of them. You see this stuff as all black and white decisions because you're not living it and can be objective.

I, on the other hand, feel like I'm involved in an emotional tug of war. Last night, I took Sheila and her daughters to a concert to see Paramore and No Doubt (Gwen Stefani is with them again so I was mildly interested to see this show). Obviously, Sheila's girls convinced me to take them and so I did. We had great seats (which I paid through the nose for, but, what the hell) and had a wonderful evening. Very suburban, very normal. I really am in love with Sheila and, when we got home, the girls went to bed and Sheila allowed me unlimited access to her. It was a wonderful late night of making love (of course, with all my usual perversions sprinkled about [kissing her feet, ass, you get the idea]). I didn't get home until almost 4:30 this morning and was convinced, as I fell asleep, that when Kristy got home today, I'd tell her that I really am in love with Sheila.

No court today so I got to sleep in until nearly 11:00 a.m. I woke up and was in the shower when Kristy made it home. I don't know what else to say, but, before I knew it, she was in the shower with me. A short time later, we made passionate love. I had chinese take out delivered for lunch, took another shower and headed to work.

I love sex, but, I think if one of these women don't kill me, all this sex surely will. I seem to be in love with both of them and don't know how to resolve things.

AngleBaby is right in saying Sheila should dump you, but given your luck (?) so far I doubt she will.

This made me really laugh. You're right to put a question mark after "luck." But, you're also right that she will not go quietly if I choose to stay with my wife. This seems to be the story of my life with women (and friends, truthfully). They seem to put up with everything I do. Don't quite know why, I guess, in some ways, I'm very lucky in that I get away with a lot.

All of which seems to be why I can't seem to control myself at times. I was thinking about sucking cock and guys today and realized that if I am bisexual, I'm one of the most selective bisexuals that exist. In high school, my graduating class had roughly 300 students. So did grades 9 through 11. I figure half were guys, so when I was a senior, roughly 600 of the students in my high school were guys. I found myself attracted to 2. In college, I went to a smaller liberal arts school for a couple of years and then a state university. Probably came in contact with thousands of guys. Again, I found 3 to be attractive. On the other hand, I slept with 100s of women between high school and college.

So, I think, like with Cody, it was one of the very, very small percentage of guys that I find attractive and can't seem to stop my sexual drive around them. Same is true of women. If I'm turned on by a woman, forget it, I want to sleep with her. The problem was always that after a few weeks with a given woman, I'd lose interest and move on. I feel differently about Kristy and Sheila.

Truth be told, a lot of my self destructive behavior, I think, has to do with the fact that I feel guilty over what I've done to women in the past. Likewise, I feel guilty because, in some cases, I fucked my friend's girlfriends and wives. Not something to be proud of. Oh well, that's what therapy is for, I guess.

And, Susan, our psych actually has a great game face, I can just tell, in this instance, he was disgusted with us. He didn't say anything in particular (other than asking us if we thought our behavior was reckless) but I could see the wheels turning in his head. Horrible to say, but I sort of found his non-reactions quite amusing.

You are lying to her, cheating on her by sleeping with your wife, which is an interesting concept you have landed yourself in

The irony of cheating on my girlfriend with my wife is not lost on me, thank you.

And, to clear up the record, Sheila and her husband are divorced. He's in another area.

I don't want to continue all the lies and deceit, but, at the moment, it's where I'm at. I'll probably stay here awhile, too, until I figure out what to do.

BTW, Cody seems to not be finding a piece of ass to keep him occupied as he called me again today. He wants to come to town, but, I told him it's not a good time. I must confess, though, my resolve almost crumbled, because, as he spoke, I subconsciously started stroking myself through my pants, thinking of all the fun Kristy and I could have with him. I stayed firm though (in my resolve not, you know, the other place) at least for now.
 
I am more pissed over the hurt you are going to cause her little two kids and it is more for their sake I suggested you paying for her tuition than hers.
 
I am more pissed over the hurt you are going to cause her little two kids and it is more for their sake I suggested you paying for her tuition than hers.

You seem certain that I'm going to end up back with my wife and I am not so certain of that. In fact, if I had to choose now, I would choose Sheila. Of course, then you'll bitch at me for leaving my wife. Sometimes, in life, you end up on a different road than you thought you would. I can say that's true for me. I, actually, never really wanted to get married and, then, once married, never wanted a divorce. I never thought I'd end up fucking around and, truthfully, never thought I'd end up watching my wife get fucked by different guys. I never thought my wife could be different, but, obviously, she says she can change.

The whole bloody thing is a mess. In another post, Angle, you said this place also functions as a forum to help those in crisis. I don't think I'm in a crisis, but, emotionally, its all very difficult. I don't want to hurt either of these women, but, in the end, I know I'll hurt one.
 
I would find it far less objectionable if you just left your wife. I would still call you a jerk for letting there be an overlap in relationships, but I would be able to understand why you are leaving your wife.
But as things stand now, you are playing both of them and there is still a realistic chance you will stay with your wife, hurting a single mother to two in the process with dishonest excuses.
 
Is anyone being honest here?

Kevin,

When Sheila finds out that you have been lying to her, she will be very hurt. It doesn't sound like you are the monogamous type, so why are you trying to live two lives?

I don't know how you could possibly be honest with Sheila about what you have been doing at this point without her being devastated, especially if she knew the extent.. having sex with your (ex)wife is one thing, a bi-threesome is something else altogether.

I hope you will consider being honest with yourself about what you want. Maybe read about polyamory for some reflection on how you could live your life. There is nothing wrong with being in love with two women, but lying to one of them is not love. Love is not lying, no matter where your dick takes you, you can be brave enough to be honest about it.

And just to call you on one more thing.. people won't put up with your shit forever. Please take some time to work on yourself and maybe think about not drinking if its a problem.

Good luck!

p.s. The threesome story was very hot. Thanks for sharing!
 
When Sheila finds out that you have been lying to her, she will be very hurt.

Which is why she won't find out. Yes, I know, Anglebaby, I'm a cad.

It doesn't sound like you are the monogamous type, so why are you trying to live two lives?

Well, at least I think I've got the answer to this one. I can be monogamous and in a lot of ways, it's actually what I want. Of course, when I'm drinking, horny and things present themselves, well, I don't always make the best decisions.

I guess I just don't know which way to go. You know, a long time ago, when I was in college, I dated a girl here from home (I went to an out of town school). I really did love this girl and it was a multi-year relationship (with a lot of breaks up, in between). Anyway, I used to come home every 3 weeks or so (on weekends) to see her (and, of course, I came home on breaks). Well, early in the fall of my sophomore (I think but the older I get, the more of my memory seems to get hazy) year, I met this really cute, really sweet, really funny girl on campus. We were complete opposites. She was very preppy, stable, normal. I was very wild, spending nights at bars watching bands, doing cocaine, pills, alcohol (you name it). But, it was all sort of Valley Girlish (for those of you that remember that 80s movie). She liked me, I liked her and we had a lot of fun together. Of course, it got serious and I really felt like I was in love with her (never said that to her, exactly, but she told me). Of course, I lied to her and never told her I was dating someone at home. Likewise, I kept the truth from my girl at home.

It sounds trite and insincere to say I felt guilty, but I did. But, I realized then that it was possible to have strong feelings for more than one woman. So, it was like a movie relationship at college (in fact, as I think of it now, there's like a soundtrack playing in my mind - "Life In A Northern Town" by Dream Academy in particular), but, I knew I ultimately had to fess up to 1 of them. So, I chose the sweet, pretty, blond girl at college. It did not go well. In fact, it was horrible. She felt cheated and deceived and told me she despised (her words) me. I guess, I also messed up by waiting until the school year was almost over to tell her. Anyway, there was never a reconciliation with her.

As the years progressed, though, with my girl at home, I always silently blamed her (even though I loved her) for fucking up my relationship at college (twisted, I know). I also always wondered if I'd made a mistake (not for telling the truth, but, by choosing the wrong girl).

So, I think with Sheila and Kristy, I just don't want to make the wrong choice. The thing is, with Kristy, there's just so much baggage. Some of that's good, some not so good. She's funny, because she tells me that I'm the only man she's ever known that would do anything for her, but, only as long as I wanted to do it (a sort of left handed compliment, I guess). But, each of us pushed the other and each were willing to explore all these fantasy realms.

She just finished her recent 2 day visit and I quoted her the old U2 song "Who's Gonna Ride Your Wild Horses" to her. It sums up our break up and relationship, almost perfectly:

You're dangerous 'cause you're honest
You're dangerous, you don't know what you want
Well you left my heart empty as a vacant lot
For any spirit to haunt

Hey hey sha la la
Hey hey

You're an accident waiting to happen
You're a piece of glass left there on the beach
Well you tell me things I know you're not supposed to
Then you leave me just out of reach

Hey hey sha la la
Hey hey sha la la

Who's gonna ride your wild horses
Who's gonna drown in your blue sea
Who's gonna ride your wild horses
Who's gonna fall at the foot of thee

Well you stole it 'cause I needed the cash
And you killed it 'cause I wanted revenge
Well you lied to me 'cause I asked you to
Baby, can we still be friends

Hey hey sha la la
Hey hey sha la la

Who's gonna ride your wild horses
Who's gonna drown in your blue sea
Who's gonna ride your wild horses
Who's gonna fall at the foot of thee

Oh, the deeper I spin
Oh, the hunter will sin for your ivory skin
Took a drive in the dirty rain
To a place where the wind calls your name
Under the trees the river laughing at you and me
Hallelujah, heavens white rose
The doors you open
I just can't close

Don't turn around, don't turn around again
Don't turn around, your gypsy heart
Don't turn around, don't turn around again
Don't turn around, and don't look back
Come on now love, don't you look back

Who's gonna ride your wild horses
Who's gonna drown in your blue sea
Who's gonna taste your salt water kisses
Who's gonna take the place of me

Who's gonna ride your wild horses
Who's gonna tame the heart of thee

Everything with her was and is just so fucking wild, intense and erotic. I'm afraid to turn my back on it and at the same time, I resent her for, I think, crossing the lines so many times. I do love her, I just don't know how to heal things. I don't know if I want to.

With Sheila, again, it's just different. It was and is equally wild, intense and erotic, but, in different ways. It's more stable (although I'm not sure how stable she is - lol) and she makes me feel alive again. It's really the kind of relationship that I'm more at ease with. It's more "normal," yet can be just as passionate.

I'm going to finish this after a quick break.
 
I hope you will consider being honest with yourself about what you want.

Therein lies the problem, I don't know what I want, so I'm just trying to tread water, not losing what I have.

There is nothing wrong with being in love with two women, but lying to one of them is not love. Love is not lying, no matter where your dick takes you, you can be brave enough to be honest about it.

I got you, but, my crazy women don't see it that way. To them, I should and could only love one of them. Lying isn't something I'm proud of, but, it's necessary, for the time being.

And just to call you on one more thing.. people won't put up with your shit forever

You'd think that, but, that's not really the way it's worked in my life and I don't know why. Take my above story about college. Eventually, I broke up with my girl at home and, in so doing, I confessed all my sins. She was, I know, terribly hurt by my many indiscretions, but, I didn't want her feeling bad about losing our relationship based on her false perceptions. I wanted her to see (in Angle's term) that I was a "cad." It was a HORRIBLE break up and, yet, as the months and years passed, we stayed in touch and stayed friends. Eventually, after failed relationships for both of us, I did have a chance to reconcile, but, I chose not to. I did that for her sake, because, I knew, eventually, I'd resort to my wicked ways and I didn't want to hurt her. To this day, we're friends and to this day she tells me she loves me and to this day I know that if I wanted to be with her again, I could (and, believe me, even at 40, she can have her pick of men).

As to the girl who I dated at college, the next year, we did bump into each other and did have an incredible heart to heart talk. She told me she missed me horribly and the world seemed colorless (her word) without me. I could have reconciled with her, I'm sure, but for the same reasons as above, chose not to.

All these women, all my life, let me get away with things. They put up with the shit, for reasons I'll never really understand. Truthfully, I think it's because (and I'm not being arrogant) they've never met anyone like me. I definitely march to my own drum. I can be sweet, charming and vicious all at once (maybe the shrink's right about me). I am equal parts angel and devil. Oh well.

Please take some time to work on yourself and maybe think about not drinking if its a problem.

I'm trying brother, I'm trying. It seems like I just want to get back to a place I haven't been in 20 plus years. A place where things are more stable and where I don't feel like I'm living in a hurricane. It's funny, because, I never started out thinking this was the way my relationship life would go. Once upon a long time ago, I thought I'd get married, have kids, and live a quiet, normal life.

Which brings me to now. Cody tried to invite himself over, again, and I really had to stop that whole thing. We had a long talk and I know where he's coming from. He is bi-curious (strangely, though, only about being serviced, he has no interest in servicing, he's definitely a "top."), but, does not like femmes. He likes guys who act like guys and, like me, does not find most guys attractive in the least. He loves woman and loves to fuck them, but, he just not at a point where he's good at it. lol. But, I really (and I didn't tell him this) don't want him to be any kind of a significant part of my life. Truly, when he's around me, I do have some feelings of lust, but, when he's not around, I don't think about him. He needs to find a wild girl to occupy his wild heart (maybe, if Kristy and I don't work, they will find each other - they would make a perfect couple).

Kristy's recent visit was hard. As our past recedes, and her flings slip deeper into our memories, I remember, more and more, all the reasons why I fell in love with her. We never run out of things to talk about, to do, and we seem to just fit together. And, she's so damn beautiful. But, we're both troubled, emotionally (believe me, our shrink's head probably spinning after our sessions). We have wonderful, normal (well, relatively so) sex and I, sometimes, wish we had never taken the path we did. It was fun, but, in the end, the damage outweighed the fun. I guess I feel like those fantasies should have stayed fantasies. Then, again, had we not lived them, we might never have realized (well, me for sure, I guess I can't speak for her) that fantasies should stay fantasies. I might always have wondered what if.......

As our vacation date gets closer, Sheila has lightened up a bit. It has been fun to shop for bathing suits, vacation clothes, etc. I have incredibly tender moments with her. And, we have such passion. I so love to brush her hair from her eyes (with my hand). I love to hold her hand, I love to embrace her, I love her laugh, oh hell..........

I know this is a forum about cuckolds. And, here, I'm writing about some voyage of self-discovery. Truly, there is no other outlet for me to, daily, talk about these things. The shrink is every 3 weeks and, let's face it, if I told some of my best friends about this stuff, I'm sure they'd think I was a perverted, sick fuck. lol.

Oh well, it does go on and on...............
 
Reflections

Your a charming guy, I'll give you that, even in email.

I understand the heartache of relationship and marriage breakup, and I can relate quite a bit.

Good luck on your journey.

One more question, are you getting what you want when you can't be honest with the "crazy women" in your life?

Take Care.
 

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