It Goes On and On and On and On
- Thread starterkevinsslave
- Start date
John finished his drink and said, "Well, I have to get up early, you two try not to fight too much." He patted me on the shoulder, "She's Irish, remember that, her temper..." Cindy swatted him. He laughed and said to me, "It's good seeing you, I'm sure I'll see you tomorrow night."
Cindy said, "So, another woman, uhhhh, when are you going to grow up?" I laughed, "You know, I am actually a pretty well-respected, accomplished lawyer. I handle a lot of big cases, kids can't do that." She sighed, "Yes, I know, Amanda shows me all the articles." I looked puzzled, "Oh my God, that internet, she reads the online edition of [the name of my city's paper] every day to see what you're doing. She's so proud of you." I really started to cry and said, "I was thinking tonight how proud I am of her, how proud my parents would be...." Cindy took my hand, "I know how much you miss them. And, they were so proud of her when she was born and always so proud of you."
Cindy then said, "What's going on? Is something wrong? You're acting different than usual." I shook my head "no", and said, "Nothing, everything, I just feel....reborn. I'm trying to get my life in some order, you're right, personally, I need to grow up." She laughed "And yet, another young girl?" I smiled, "You'd love her, she's an English Major (like Cindy) and she sounds like you on novels, tells me "The Great Gatsby" is overrated." I laughed and Cindy said, "It is overrated, oh my God, maybe this one is the right one for you, someone to keep you in line."
I said, "Hey, now wait a minute, I was ultra responsible when you were pregnant, didn't I take you to every Doctor's visit, the lamaze classes and all that other natural shit you wanted, didn't I hold your hand and stay by your side for the entire 20 hour labor. Didn't I buy all the baby furniture, put it together...." She interrupted me, "Yes, you were...you are a wonderful provider. You were wonderful to me then, of course, you did get me pregnant so..." I laughed, "I'm not a biology guy, but, I'm pretty sure it takes two people to get pregnant and you're the one that forgot to take the damn pill." She laughed, "you sound like my mother." I said, "How is mom?" Cindy said, "Good, and don't forget when we come up to pick up Amanda this summer, we're taking her to Pittsburgh for her birthday dinner, she keeps asking if you're going to be there." I said, "Tell your mother, I'm coming, I wouldn't miss that. You know how I feel about her." Cindy smiled, "That woman doesn't trust a soul outside me and my brother and somehow you managed to charm the hell out of her. She still calls me twice a week to tell me that she saw you on the news...." I laughed. Cindy looked at me and said, "Of course, you can be charming and sweet when you want to, if you could just figure a way to get rid of all your bullshit, all that detachment..."
I said, "How the hell did we make it for even 2 weeks?" She sighed, "It was 2 months, ass." I sighed, "I know, I just block out the last 6 weeks, it's the only way to keep myself sane." She laughed and punched me.
She got us more drinks. "I will give you this," she said, "You have never let Amanda down, not once. You're always there whenever she calls, you always come whenever she wants you too, I mean, you're a good father to her. And, I know you want to see her more, I appreciate that you never pushed to enforce the 6 week summer visitation, the other visitation, I know it must be hard for you..." I said, "You know, it's terrible, but, I don't want to drag her 9 hours every month in a car, drag her away from her life here..." Cindy took my hand again, "Believe me, I know how hard it must be and I do appreciate it." Now was my opening, "On the other hand, I was thinking, it is only an 8 hour trip for me and maybe I could come down a little more, every 6 weeks or so, I feel like I really need to see her more....I miss her." Cindy smiled, "You can come every week if you want. John thinks the world of you and JP thinks you're Santa or something. Amanda would love it."
There was a long silence. "She's beautiful Cin, she really is, you are a wonderful mother, a wonderful, loving and beautiful woman..." She was crying, "A compliment from you, what next, a proposal, oh wait, you're 9 years late on that." I laughed. "No, I mean it. Despite all our bickering, you've always made me feel welcome, made me feel...safe." She smiled, "You are always welcome, and, remember, we had Amanda and raised her together. I hope she grows up to be as smart and witty as you..." she said. "And, you did take good care of me, of us, when I was pregnant. I was so mean to you, sometimes, and still, you showed up everyday." She touched my face, "It seems so long ago, we were so much younger. Who would think after all this time, we could still find so much to talk about, to argue about?" I laughed, "It's funny, I remember the night we met, I remember thinking we are complete opposites, I couldn't imagine us not eventually killing each other. And, here we are 10 years later and still alive." She laughed, "Why did you want to go out with me?" she asked. "Oh, that's easy," I said, "You were young, smart and beautiful....And, you still are, Cin, you still are."
Sounds strange, I know, but we have that type of relationship. I know she loves me and I her, we just couldn't be together. But, we had a beautiful daughter. It's funny, I can't imagine anyone else in my position who would go out to dinner with my ex, her husband, her brother and his family, her mother, our daughter, and their son, yet, we are able to do it and enjoy ourselves. Life is full of surprises and twists and turns that you aren't expecting. It can be full of fun and confusion. It can be remarkably wonderful and equally sad.
And, after all this, the secret of life is no more clear to me today than it was a year ago. I've learned some things, though. As I said, I have no regrets. I have tried to set my world in order, tried to be a better person, tried to find happiness. Every story that I've told, I'm glad I experienced, glad I lived. I really don't feel like I've missed out on anything. Mostly, I'm fortunate. I have a happy, healthy child, a good career, and some amazing people in my life.
My advice, for what it's worth, is to indulge your fantasies. Seek them out. But, indulge them and seek them out for all the right reasons. Because, when you're living out a fantasy, it can be incredible. When you seek them out because you want to hide from some thing or some pain, it's not joyful at all. In fact, it's fairly lonely.
For now, my life is remarkable. I feel reborn, alive again, experiencing feelings and emotions that I forgot existed. On my way home from SC, somewhere in West Virgina, Journey's "Don't Stop Believing" came on the radio. I thought of this thread (the title after all was clipped from that song) and all that I'd been through. These lyrics seem a fitting (and, I suppose, cheesy) way to wrap it all up:
Working hard to get my fill
Everybody wants a thrill
Paying anything to roll the dice
Just one more time
Some will win, some will lose
Some were born to sing the blues
Oh the movie never ends
It goes on and on and on and on
Don't stop believing
Hold on to that feeling
Peace everyone and I'll see you in other threads.
Cindy said, "So, another woman, uhhhh, when are you going to grow up?" I laughed, "You know, I am actually a pretty well-respected, accomplished lawyer. I handle a lot of big cases, kids can't do that." She sighed, "Yes, I know, Amanda shows me all the articles." I looked puzzled, "Oh my God, that internet, she reads the online edition of [the name of my city's paper] every day to see what you're doing. She's so proud of you." I really started to cry and said, "I was thinking tonight how proud I am of her, how proud my parents would be...." Cindy took my hand, "I know how much you miss them. And, they were so proud of her when she was born and always so proud of you."
Cindy then said, "What's going on? Is something wrong? You're acting different than usual." I shook my head "no", and said, "Nothing, everything, I just feel....reborn. I'm trying to get my life in some order, you're right, personally, I need to grow up." She laughed "And yet, another young girl?" I smiled, "You'd love her, she's an English Major (like Cindy) and she sounds like you on novels, tells me "The Great Gatsby" is overrated." I laughed and Cindy said, "It is overrated, oh my God, maybe this one is the right one for you, someone to keep you in line."
I said, "Hey, now wait a minute, I was ultra responsible when you were pregnant, didn't I take you to every Doctor's visit, the lamaze classes and all that other natural shit you wanted, didn't I hold your hand and stay by your side for the entire 20 hour labor. Didn't I buy all the baby furniture, put it together...." She interrupted me, "Yes, you were...you are a wonderful provider. You were wonderful to me then, of course, you did get me pregnant so..." I laughed, "I'm not a biology guy, but, I'm pretty sure it takes two people to get pregnant and you're the one that forgot to take the damn pill." She laughed, "you sound like my mother." I said, "How is mom?" Cindy said, "Good, and don't forget when we come up to pick up Amanda this summer, we're taking her to Pittsburgh for her birthday dinner, she keeps asking if you're going to be there." I said, "Tell your mother, I'm coming, I wouldn't miss that. You know how I feel about her." Cindy smiled, "That woman doesn't trust a soul outside me and my brother and somehow you managed to charm the hell out of her. She still calls me twice a week to tell me that she saw you on the news...." I laughed. Cindy looked at me and said, "Of course, you can be charming and sweet when you want to, if you could just figure a way to get rid of all your bullshit, all that detachment..."
I said, "How the hell did we make it for even 2 weeks?" She sighed, "It was 2 months, ass." I sighed, "I know, I just block out the last 6 weeks, it's the only way to keep myself sane." She laughed and punched me.
She got us more drinks. "I will give you this," she said, "You have never let Amanda down, not once. You're always there whenever she calls, you always come whenever she wants you too, I mean, you're a good father to her. And, I know you want to see her more, I appreciate that you never pushed to enforce the 6 week summer visitation, the other visitation, I know it must be hard for you..." I said, "You know, it's terrible, but, I don't want to drag her 9 hours every month in a car, drag her away from her life here..." Cindy took my hand again, "Believe me, I know how hard it must be and I do appreciate it." Now was my opening, "On the other hand, I was thinking, it is only an 8 hour trip for me and maybe I could come down a little more, every 6 weeks or so, I feel like I really need to see her more....I miss her." Cindy smiled, "You can come every week if you want. John thinks the world of you and JP thinks you're Santa or something. Amanda would love it."
There was a long silence. "She's beautiful Cin, she really is, you are a wonderful mother, a wonderful, loving and beautiful woman..." She was crying, "A compliment from you, what next, a proposal, oh wait, you're 9 years late on that." I laughed. "No, I mean it. Despite all our bickering, you've always made me feel welcome, made me feel...safe." She smiled, "You are always welcome, and, remember, we had Amanda and raised her together. I hope she grows up to be as smart and witty as you..." she said. "And, you did take good care of me, of us, when I was pregnant. I was so mean to you, sometimes, and still, you showed up everyday." She touched my face, "It seems so long ago, we were so much younger. Who would think after all this time, we could still find so much to talk about, to argue about?" I laughed, "It's funny, I remember the night we met, I remember thinking we are complete opposites, I couldn't imagine us not eventually killing each other. And, here we are 10 years later and still alive." She laughed, "Why did you want to go out with me?" she asked. "Oh, that's easy," I said, "You were young, smart and beautiful....And, you still are, Cin, you still are."
Sounds strange, I know, but we have that type of relationship. I know she loves me and I her, we just couldn't be together. But, we had a beautiful daughter. It's funny, I can't imagine anyone else in my position who would go out to dinner with my ex, her husband, her brother and his family, her mother, our daughter, and their son, yet, we are able to do it and enjoy ourselves. Life is full of surprises and twists and turns that you aren't expecting. It can be full of fun and confusion. It can be remarkably wonderful and equally sad.
And, after all this, the secret of life is no more clear to me today than it was a year ago. I've learned some things, though. As I said, I have no regrets. I have tried to set my world in order, tried to be a better person, tried to find happiness. Every story that I've told, I'm glad I experienced, glad I lived. I really don't feel like I've missed out on anything. Mostly, I'm fortunate. I have a happy, healthy child, a good career, and some amazing people in my life.
My advice, for what it's worth, is to indulge your fantasies. Seek them out. But, indulge them and seek them out for all the right reasons. Because, when you're living out a fantasy, it can be incredible. When you seek them out because you want to hide from some thing or some pain, it's not joyful at all. In fact, it's fairly lonely.
For now, my life is remarkable. I feel reborn, alive again, experiencing feelings and emotions that I forgot existed. On my way home from SC, somewhere in West Virgina, Journey's "Don't Stop Believing" came on the radio. I thought of this thread (the title after all was clipped from that song) and all that I'd been through. These lyrics seem a fitting (and, I suppose, cheesy) way to wrap it all up:
Working hard to get my fill
Everybody wants a thrill
Paying anything to roll the dice
Just one more time
Some will win, some will lose
Some were born to sing the blues
Oh the movie never ends
It goes on and on and on and on
Don't stop believing
Hold on to that feeling
Peace everyone and I'll see you in other threads.
Thanks Duke, but, I'm not going anywhere. Like I said, I can still remember the experiences, I can still fantasize and I can still live through other people's adventures. And, really, my current girlfriend is a dancer at a gentleman's club for goodness sake. She dances (nearly naked) for horny men all night (3 times a week) and in between dances, sits at their tables and drinks and flirts with them. What more can an ex-cuck want? LOL.
I have to tell you...I feel oddly like I think I'll feel in two weeks when LOST concludes. In so many ways this thread has been every bit like the show. It's engaging, sometimes maddening, often confusing, totally character driven, tons of mystery and excitement about what comes next. I took a long, and dare I say needed break from this forum, and when I came back this is pretty much the only thread I've followed. I've become so hooked on the "characters" if you will, that it's become very much must see tv if that makes any sense lol. But like LOST, I'm also glad to see it reach it's climax (no pun intended) and reach a conclusion. With each post you peel back another layer to the onion, and reveal the answer to certain nagging questions. In essence you've led the reader along post after post and finally led them to water. Ironically it's these last bunch of posts, while very much non-sexual, that were the most satisfying and in some respects the most human, to which I applaud you. Your writing has been masterful in so many ways. You've revealed just how life like it is when a villain can also be seen as human (Justin) and where the heroes also have their foibles and blemishes. You've shown us the grey area to life and how it's rarely cut and dry evn though the average arm chair quarterback will make it seem like it should be. Personally I want to thank you. I've hated you, loved you, and felt everything in between during these readings, though the truth is that it's only because I've seen the paralells to my own thought process through this, which I too am still struggling to make sense out of. Bravo Kevin. I'll probably send you a PM next week as well about a bunch of other stuff. But this has been great. Very eye opening. I applaud your courage to share it all.
Thanks for the kind words. Sad to say that I'm probably the only person on this planet never to have seen "Lost." But, after watching a run of my favorite shows go off the air, culminating in the series finale of the "Sopranos," I pretty much gave up watching network shows. Funny thing, both this thread and the Sopranos ended with Journey. The similarities end there. LOL. I really wondered how much to talk about with regards to the family situation, but, in the end, I knew that was driving some of my behavior.
As to the mix of emotions, if you felt that way, imagine how I felt about myself. Life and emotions are so complex, so complicated and people are not always good or always bad. All we can do is try to be better people, try to understand more and try to enjoy our lives. And, Lord knows, I'm trying, I really am.
As to the mix of emotions, if you felt that way, imagine how I felt about myself. Life and emotions are so complex, so complicated and people are not always good or always bad. All we can do is try to be better people, try to understand more and try to enjoy our lives. And, Lord knows, I'm trying, I really am.
Say it ain't so. Well, the guy that played the politician is named Peter something and he was Boon in "Animal House." I think AH is a remarkably funny, though at times tasteless, late 70s classic. I've seen it at least 100 times.
LOL. No, not turning into a fruit. No interest, at all, in being with another guy but I am trying to have a somewhat normal and monogamous relationship with Lisa (my stripper girlfriend). LOL. I did recently have a couple of great nights of passionate love making with her. so......
But since I only see Lisa every other week for a day or two, I've been watching a LOT of sports. Just can't go back into the whole insane life style again. For what it's worth, last night was not easy as I was rock hard and wanted, BADLY, to nail Amber. Oh well.....
