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Newbie Wife Advice

  • Thread starteracuriouswife
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acuriouswife

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Hi! I'm new here. My hubby has been trying to get me into this (I think) and I just am not sure I fully understand what this is all about, so please excuse my ignorance. I've spent most of the day looking and reading some posts.

Sure, we sometimes fantasize about another man or several men during sex...but this is not something I am interested in doing for real.

I'm starting to feel pressured. He keeps bringing it up during sex. There are times when it's a fun fantasy, but ALL the time? We have been married for a long time, over 20 yrs.

I see that he has been on this site and several others that show videos. The videos are quite disgusting to me, I am not turned on by them at all. He watches the so called "gang bang" ones and a LOT of the videos he watches are of men doing men. I'm starting to think he is a closet bisexual or something. I just don't know or understand! I am beside myself.

I am not sure what to do. Any advice would be appreciated. I am hesitant to confront him until I have more knowledge. I'm wondering if our marriage is a complete sham.
 
Up until I saw your line where he likes the "men with men" videos, I was going to say one thing in response. But that line has me thinking that he may have a different mental status to this whole scene. So here's my 2 cents - although it's more like 2 dollars worth....

In case you can't figure it out, most of us here who are true cuckolds, we derive a distinct sense of enjoyment and satisfaction with our wives having sex with others. Some desire humiliation or more. Others, like me, enjoy hearing my wife say she "prefers to wait for her lover" at times so denial is a big turn on to me.

Another distinct turn-on for most of us is the desire for the lover to cum in the wife. For me, I love knowing she's been that intimate with her lover and it turns me on to know that they've shared that passion together. And here is where the line I quoted from your post has me concerned. I love the knowledge that my wife has had sex and that it is another guys cum in her is a part of that but not the sole source of my arousal, indeed, it is much more sharing and re-living the moment with her and yes, feeling his semen in her is a part of that. However, based on the line in your post that I quoted regarding his penchant for men-on-men videos, he truly may be bi-sexual and this may be the closest he feels he can be to be with another man.

I would think this is a huge differentiator. While I love knowing another man has cum in my wife, I have ZERO desire to be with him sexually. You need to ask your husband that question. If he admits to desiring another man - then you need to decide on how you will proceed. There is nothing wrong with him desiring the experience with another man if you are okay with it. Then that will lead you to the decision you will have to make - whether this is or is not something YOU want to do.

And that is the ultimate essence of this entire lifestyle. It only works if YOU want it. It will only breed guilt and resentment if you merely "do it for him". Based on what you've said - if you embraced and enjoyed it, your husband would also enjoy it regardless of his motivations.
 
Hello acourioswife,

1. Twenty years of marriage is not a shame.

2. If you are feeling pressured don't do it. (You can't get "unfucked")

3. It sounds like you need to try counciling not cuckolding.

From a "bulls" prospective it is obvious when a husband is trying to pimp his wife to fullfill a homosexual/bisexual fantacy. Honestly when a woman is not enjoying the sex, she is dry and its just not fun.

You have invested a long time in this deal his feelings are most likely temporarary. But seriously get checked for STDs just-in-case he has started his homosexual adventures without you.

Goodluck...
 
..

These are both excellent replies. I came here, like you, to seek education on the subject as it comes up a great deal in my work. It's getting to the point lately that I could establish an entire practice on the subject matter and the sexual confusion it is creating.

I'll try to be brief as I've been told I'm "too wordy and too clinical and dry for a site like this". For a majority of the men I have seen, what an outsider (that does not understand the fetish) may consider to be "gay" has very little to do with homosexuality.

Of course, there are exceptions. I'm being general here so indulge me for a moment.

This is a form of very safe masochism. The humiliation of being emasculated in front of the woman you love is psychologically satisfying in this lifestyle. Most men that enjoy this report almost no pleasure from seeing a man have sex with a random woman. Again, generalizing. It's the love that you two share that makes this exciting to him. When viewing cuckold porn, men replace the actors with themselves and their wives and the viewing brings them closer to the fetish. Furthermore, the allure of cuckold porn could be stated to be the safest form of masochism as no infidelity has actually occurred.

My general experience has been that most "cuckolds", as we define them here, would not pursue any form of homosexuality outside the presence of their female loved one. Any act of homosexual love is nestled firmly inside the cuckold fantasy for the male psyche and, therefore, is safe to explore for the heterosexual male.

Now, if he wants to breast feed while mommy has sex with the man with the huge penis, you need to send him to see me.

:)

Otherwise, as far as I can tell, he's just friggin' normal these days.

It also escapes me, as well.

Doc

..
 
Thank you for all your responses. You’ve all given a lot of welcomed advice and I’m trying to take it all in.

Don’t get me wrong, this is a turn on for me...AT THE MOMENT we are engaged, but completely the opposite once we're finished or the next day or even right this second typing about it. The fantasy is usually another man or men having sex with me and then he will taste/feel/fuck me after the “others” are done. But to actually DO this????? NO THANK YOU!

I don't enjoy this kind of role play EVERY SINGLE TIME either, but that's what he's wanting. The talk, the fantasy...it is getting to the point where I'm making excuses on why I don't want to have sex. I have asked him during sex to stop talking about it for the moment, but it's almost as if he HAS to and I'll just block out the sound of his voice and bring my brain to where I want it to be... WITH HIM and ONLY HIM.

I can't imagine a husband actually wanting to see (or allow) another to be with his wife. Now, I am NOT condemning you or anyone else here. To each his own and is SO not my business. I am just feeling so damn pressured.

We enjoy a very active sex life and use toys and such. I'm not a prude by any stretch of the imagination. We've gone together to the store and purchased our toys. We both enjoy using them on me. He has never given me ANY inclination that he wants a toy used on him; or sucked on it, at least not in my presence.

He is on this site and the other video site EVERY morning before he goes to work. He spends at least an hour reading & viewing videos...I just don't understand it. Is this obsessive? I don't know. What’s ‘normal’??? I’ve known for years he likes to “read the story’s”, but to me this is become an obsession!

I wish I had never found out about his internet activities...but due to his deleting history, closing the window when I enter the room, etc., I became suspicious and started digging. Now I wish I hadn’t; or maybe it’s better to know?? I am SO upset and confused.

As for getting tested? WOW...I don't think he's done anything. I think I know where he is all the time...I don't think he has time to go meeting someone. HOWEVER, that comment has me scared now!!!!

Thank you all again. If you or anyone else can think of anything that will help me, please feel free to respond. This may not be my thing, but all of you have been very nice and it is appreciated.
 
While I'm certainly not as qualified on the inner workings of the mind like the good doctor is here, what I can say is that it's likely time to have a serious sit down discussion, likely away from your house, and away from kids (if you have kids), away from the computer etc. I could literally feel the frustration you have in reading your post. It comes across pretty clearly so I empathize with your situation and how you feel.

Likely you need to just get down to the brass tax on how you're truly feeling in an honest and direct way, preferably without the yelling and shouting that often accompanies the build-up of frustration when it's close to critical mass. You've been with him for 20 years and you obviously love him. As someone else up above there said, if he's also been with you for 20 years then it's quite likely he loves you just as much back. However that said, if you're frustrated, and he's always talking about it and not recognizing that or your wish to just stop talking about it for a bit then there's a real concern. While I'm at it I don't know that it's all that healthy to consistently spend an hour of the morning or more each day staring at porn. I do know that too much porn can alter one's reality to the point where they begin to view the porn type scenes as normal life, and fail to see the true reality in relationships. This "could" be an underlying issue, though again I'm not the expert. My advice is you start with the serious discussion, and maybe just back burner the whole thing, even the every once and awhile play in bed until you are able to resolve the frustration. Nobody should have to drone out the "talk" just to be comfortable enough to sleep with their own partner. If he loves you he'll be willing to hear you and try to accomodate your thoughts and concerns (again assuming he doesn't have an underlying porn issue etc. That's a whole different can of worms and he'd need to see the doc above to resolve that. It won't go away on its own).

Best luck! Please do keep us up to date on how things are going if you do manage to sit down and have a talk. It's constructive for us all to hear the down side of a fantasy when it goes wrong/bad as well as the good side.
 
Trezabull

Yes...I agree with you. No means NO!

I thought I made that clears....obviously not if he's still looking/reading/viewing. I mean an hour a day prior to work or on weekends he let's me sleep in so he has more time to do whatever?

I am doing my best to understand, take all informaipn & advice and figure out my next step.

So far I have not seen any "evidence" of him meeting or corOsponding with anyone, and believe me I'm keeping an eye! After the comment about getting tested...I am going to be more aware of everything he says or does.

I do hpoe it is just porn & doesn't turn into more....I won't know what I will do![/QUOTE]
 
Sounds to me as if he is going through the male version of menopause. He has been working for at least 20 years, married for 20, and unless he has been screwing around all these years he has been fucking the same pussy for 20 years. No offense to you but he is probably bored and looking for something that excites him.

It may be that by fantasizing you having sex with other men he is making you into a new woman in his eyes. I don't know enough about your relationship to say anything for sure, and it sounds like you have been trying, but you are his wife of 20 years and probably could use a little make-over, a new paint job so to speak. You don't mention children but I am willing to bet there are two or more in their teens or early adulthood.

No offense but he may see you more as mother (of his children) and companion instead of sexy and desirable woman. Sex can become boring, or perhaps just to easily obtained. Men are aroused visually and porn appeals to us more than to most women. Men are hunters and thrill to the chase. Women don't always remember to appeal to those impulses because that is not they way they understand sex, it is usually better for them when they are comfortable with their partner and have shared intimate moments in and out of bed together.

Again, I'm guessing and generalizing, but have you taken a look at how you present yourself to him? Do you dress up for him, or come home from work and get comfortable? Is your nighttime wear a sexy nightgown or something more practical? Even hopping into bed naked can become old if you do it every night. Do you wear make-up specifically to attract your husband or only when the two of you go out somewhere? Now that you think I am blaming you, I want to say that he needs to communicate more about what attracts him with the porn and the fantasies. He also needs to listen to you. Pushing you into things you are not interested in is selfish on his part. Porn can become an escape and resembles addiction to drugs or alcohol in many respects. The two of you need to talk, alot, and deeply.

Don't give up on him or push him away. Find out where you can help him move back toward you, look for common ground. Good luck and by all means don't be afraid to seek professional help to find that common ground. I applaud you for being willing to come hear and read up on his fantasy, but don't think this is the best place to get answers. We are certainly biased toward the fantasy here.
 
Susan's Slave said:
Sounds to me as if he is going through the male version of menopause. He has been working for at least 20 years, married for 20, and unless he has been screwing around all these years he has been fucking the same pussy for 20 years. No offense to you but he is probably bored and looking for something that excites him.

It may be that by fantasizing you having sex with other men he is making you into a new woman in his eyes. I don't know enough about your relationship to say anything for sure, and it sounds like you have been trying, but you are his wife of 20 years and probably could use a little make-over, a new paint job so to speak. You don't mention children but I am willing to bet there are two or more in their teens or early adulthood.

No offense but he may see you more as mother (of his children) and companion instead of sexy and desirable woman. Sex can become boring, or perhaps just to easily obtained. Men are aroused visually and porn appeals to us more than to most women. Men are hunters and thrill to the chase. Women don't always remember to appeal to those impulses because that is not they way they understand sex, it is usually better for them when they are comfortable with their partner and have shared intimate moments in and out of bed together.

Again, I'm guessing and generalizing, but have you taken a look at how you present yourself to him? Do you dress up for him, or come home from work and get comfortable? Is your nighttime wear a sexy nightgown or something more practical? Even hopping into bed naked can become old if you do it every night. Do you wear make-up specifically to attract your husband or only when the two of you go out somewhere? Now that you think I am blaming you, I want to say that he needs to communicate more about what attracts him with the porn and the fantasies. He also needs to listen to you. Pushing you into things you are not interested in is selfish on his part. Porn can become an escape and resembles addiction to drugs or alcohol in many respects. The two of you need to talk, alot, and deeply.

Don't give up on him or push him away. Find out where you can help him move back toward you, look for common ground. Good luck and by all means don't be afraid to seek professional help to find that common ground. I applaud you for being willing to come hear and read up on his fantasy, but don't think this is the best place to get answers. We are certainly biased toward the fantasy here.
Click to expand...

I assure you, he is NOT bored with our sex life. We are very active. I have always made sure he was satisfied and I have always been. What bothers me the most is that FANTASY is FANTASY. And viewing porn is OK...but I think it's getting to the point of obsession.

Yes, we have children and pretty much an empty nest. We go places and do things together all the time. I'm an average woman. I don't claim to be this gorgeous MILF, but I have my assets. ;)

I think we've been intimate both in and out of bed. We've had our ups and downs like most couples. I understand, and always have, that men are more visual and the porn bothers me sometimes. But lately it's ALL the time.

What about HIM? Has HE kept himself up? Does HE dress for me? Does HE go the extra mile for me? That said, could I use to lose some weight? Absolutely. Do I dress up for him? Sometimes. Wear 'sexy' nightgowns? Sometimes. Naked? Sometimes. You are correct in that he needs to be open about what he is doing for hours a day.

I'm not trying to push him away. I think I'm doing more than any other woman would. I'm here trying to understand what he is looking for. I'm trying to decipher all this. I DO appreciate your thoughtful response. I really do. I am just a little bit on the defense right now. I feel like this is just getting out of control and I don't really know how to talk to him or deal with it. I'm still reading and watching all he is doing/reading/watching (some of the videos are completely disgusting to me) to see if I can figure out the best way to deal with all this.

Again, THANK you for taking the time to respond to me. It IS appreciated!
 
Update

Well, nothing has really changed. He is still reading this forum every single day. The viewing the porn still going on also.

I've now noticed he's been reading the "meet" forums. I am freaking out! He does go on business and now I'm wondering... WHY would he be looking at where to meet people if he wasn't interested in hooking up with someone?

I don't see ANY communication with anyone, no chat, no emails, etc.

He is still dropping hints on seeing me with other men. I am beginning to find that I can't even enjoy sex because I know he's going to bring it up. As I've said before I DO enjoy the fantasy sometimes, but it's just a FANTASY!

No, I haven't said anything to him yet. Yes, I KNOW I have to. One would think after all these years, it would be pretty simple to bring up.
 
From what you've described about him, I don't think he's trying to meet someone for HIM to have sex with. The Meets forum does have pics in it and that may be why he's looking at them. I know that's why I look at them. Personally I have no desire to meet anyone from there.
 
cuckedbyblackman said:
From what you've described about him, I don't think he's trying to meet someone for HIM to have sex with. The Meets forum does have pics in it and that may be why he's looking at them. I know that's why I look at them. Personally I have no desire to meet anyone from there.
Click to expand...

THANK YOU for that thought!!!!!!! I tend to agree...he does enjoy pictures. I know we both have enjoyed amateur over the professional suck/fuck as it does seems more "real". I don't particularly care to watch porn, but every once in awhile I'll indulge for him and I do end up enjoying it most of the time.

He has always wanted me to take pictures or a video of me, but I am just not into that; even if he says it is for his own pleasure. There's no way I am going to take a chance it gets out there. I DO trust him, just one never knows what will happen to a picture and I am not willing to take that chance. So him going to that particular forum to look at "real" people, that makes sense to me.

After thinking about it for a little while (all night actually), I do not believe he would cheat on me. However, the thought that he would want to meet to possibly watch is certainly a concern. I mean, he really is SO obsessed with this site, the stories, the videos, that I'm afraid when he is going to take this to the next level?

I honestly do not know how long this has been going on, but I know it has been at the very least many months and I wonder if this soon won't be enough. I do continue to steer away from the fantasy of other men during sex, which is a little bit of a bummer because I do enjoy that fantasy at times.

Again, THANK YOU for your post, it has helped.
 
Interesting read. Looking at it from reluctant but participating wife.
Have you tried the denial part? See is changing from something he has control of to it being out of his hands. So to speak. It is a risk he might have to face if you were to have other lovers. I know that personally my wife doesn't like the humiliation or denial, when she isn't getting it else were 'cause the cock is right and it's her's!' LOL but this might be something to play with when he goes on a business trip. Get him a cage and see how some controlled reality works.
Just an idea.
Good luck. And remember you've been married 20+ yrs keep honesty, love and openest the rest is just noise.
 
Natural Selection - ***** Porn Video - DorisSweetback
 
Hank jones said:
Interesting read. Looking at it from reluctant but participating wife.
Have you tried the denial part? See is changing from something he has control of to it being out of his hands. So to speak. It is a risk he might have to face if you were to have other lovers. I know that personally my wife doesn't like the humiliation or denial, when she isn't getting it else were 'cause the cock is right and it's her's!' LOL but this might be something to play with when he goes on a business trip. Get him a cage and see how some controlled reality works.
Just an idea.
Good luck. And remember you've been married 20+ yrs keep honesty, love and openest the rest is just noise.
Click to expand...

I am sorry Hank...I don't quite understand what you are talking about.
"Have I tried the denial part?"
"Get him a cage..." WHY would I want that? Have you read my posts? I do not want this lifestyle.
Again, I don't understand what you are trying to say.

Yes...20+ yrs is a very long time; part of the reason this is so upsetting to me. Is he willing to throw it all away on this obsession??
 
No thanks

duke9555 said:
Natural Selection - ***** Porn Video - DorisSweetback
Click to expand...

Thanks, but no thanks duke.
 
Go By The Book

When all else fails, read the instructions.
According to normal marriage vows using
porno for getting off is breaking the vows to
forsake all others.
This man sounds to me as if he is on the verge
of becoming sexually addicted. "In sickness
and in health" but you may want to offer him
and ounce of prevention and nip this in the
bud. I am addicted to porno and I agree with
the poster who said it alters one's reality and
view of things. Consider this: If someone at
a party says to your hubby "I just met
this great chick with knockout tits!" does
your hubby image your tits or some 3D model
he came in front of this morning? Porno carries
a price. And because it is essentially tease -
it's got to show more leg each go round. Today
he's jerking to center folds, next year to group
sex, the next to beasts and the next to kids.
My opinion? Sit him down and tell him that
if he's telling you he wants YOU to gain sexual
pleasure then stop all this shit, be a man
and you'll be his woman. That's what you bought into
after all, keep to the deal.
 
Good post, leftbehind.
 
One of life's realities is that at some point of their lives, many if not most wives (and husbands...) will stray. This usually means cheating on their spouses, and as we all know cheating is never right and it can mean the end of an otherwise happy marriage.

So why not consider cuckolding for what it really is: a free pass for extramarital sex for a wife who is in a loving and emotionally stable relationship and who understands that by accepting this free pass, whether she acts on it or not (which should be her decision and hers alone) she will ensure her husband's fidelity and protect her marriage from the consequences of adultery.
 
So True Leftbehind

Leftbehind,
Thank you for saying that. It is very true; although I don't believe the 'next the kids'.

I am not sure who he visualizes when someone says that to him. Good question.

Just for the record, we had AMAZING sex last night!!! This morning? Yep, back on this site and the porno video site. He watched a full 15 min of a movie.

WTF is going on?????? I mean he was spent last night, completely empty. There's no way he could get it up this morning if he (or I) tried. I doubt he will tonight either.

This is getting way out of hand.
 
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