So, how are you going to proceed...?
Cumher1,
cumher1 said:
.... I want to tell you the reason for my anger. It's my wife's sheer hypocrisy about this incident.
Hey... get a grip. Remember... bullshit is the grease on the axle of the earth, and hypocrisy is what makes the earth go 'round.
cumher1 said:
She has always been (in her mind) honest, loyal and trustworthy. Those are her good qualities. [Comment: again in her own mind, it sounds like.] She has also been known to be a cold-hearted judge and jury who is convinced half of my friends are cheating scumbags, because maybe they went to a strip joint after work one night, or maybe they commented how hot their next-door neighbor is. It has always been black and white with her.
People who are judgmental and see everything in black and white are usually pains in the ass. Why were you originally attracted to your wife, then why did you court her then ask her to marry you, then—when you had gotten to know her much better—why did you follow through and actually marry her? (Note: I comment on this again near the end of this post.)
cumher1 said:
If someone even considers putting their small toe over the line, my wife dismisses them as dirt, someone she would/could never like. In other words, she has never forgiven anyone in her life, and has left a long trail of broken friendships.
My response to your previous comment also applies to this one.
cumher1 said:
Her brother has called her "stone-cold hearted" and her sister (maid of honor at our wedding) has asked me, "when am I going to trade her in?" Those are the people who know her best.
I gather your wife's brother and sister said these things to you after their sister was safely "married off" to you...?
cumher1 said:
Everyone else thinks my wife is sunny and sweet, a pillar of the community.
Your wife sounds like a textbook example of a successful hypocrite, in the sense that she seems to have mastered the art of hypocrisy as practiced by many (if not most) of the world's powerful and successful people. That is, many are hypocrites at some level and a fair percentage are blatantly hypocritical, while simultaneously being judgmental and condemning those who do the same things they do (secretly), which are often of a sexual nature. (The hypocrisy of the rich and powerful extends, of course, to many other areas as needed to preserve and increase their wealth and power.) Hypocrisy is an integral component of the modus-operandi of the rich and powerful, at least in part, because it's required to appeal to the vast masses of more ordinary people whose support they need (say, on election days) and who are judgmental and hypocritical themselves, often because of their religious beliefs.
Another reason many are capable of judgmental hypocrisy, without seeing it for what it is, is because of what might be called "compartmentalized thinking" (IMO). They think of socially-disapproved activities like extramarital affairs as "evil" and "immoral" and do not hesitate to say so to all and sundry, and they really believe this. Then, after having an extra-marital affair themselves (which often happens because it's a fairly strong aspect of human nature), they blank it out of their minds and go on condemning others who have affairs (or go to strip joints, or make salacious comments about their neighbors, or whatever) as "evil" and "immoral."
Strongly believing that extra-marital affairs are "evil" (as people such as your wife do), while also acknowledging they have had one or more affairs themselves, gives rise to what psychologists call cognitive dissonance. Broadly, this means (as you may know) having factual or evidence-based knowledge that is incompatible with a strongly-held inner belief. It's painful and confusing, so many such people — perhaps including your wife — simply dismiss their factual knowledge that's at odds with their inner beliefs, and go on expressing their beliefs.
The photo you posted of your wife in the nude shows she's a very attractive woman. This may be a strong aspect of people who don't know her closely thinking she's "wonderful and a pillar of the community." I assume this is also closely related to the fact that you courted and married her. (Perhaps she behaved sweetly toward you in those days, having chosen you as a good candidate to become her husband... and, perhaps, her cuckold if it came to that, although the latter may have been subliminal.)
It's difficult to resist concluding that your wife shows many of the characteristics of a successful hypocrite, although, on the down side, her hypocritical/judgmental behavior has also resulted in "a string of broken friendships" as well as fairly severe strains in her relationship with you.
So, given the above (if it's approximately the case), how are you going to proceed in your relationship with your wife? What's your plan of action?
If the above is not the case (in your opinion), then what do YOU think is going on with your wife, and again, what's your plan of action?
—Custer
I am her husband and this just couldn't happen to ME. 