Thoughts/plans for 2014

[SoonToBe]

I was a bit rushed yesterday and tired from all the driving. Being away made it a little easier to talk too, we'd started some playful banter just after we left our daughter with her cousin, Sue and I joked about our own fun times in the college dorms which sort of broke the ice. I told her that I'd remembered what she'd told me and she smiled until I reminded her that I also remembered about Greg (I thought that was his name), her boyfriend in college who had the long-skinny cock and was the only guy she enjoyed anal sex with. She turned red when I mentioned that, but fair was fair....

I can't say I'm totally comfortable with all of this, but she is right, that talking about it more openly and outside the moments when we're in bed having sex together seems to be easing whatever concerns she seems to be having and I guess, I am a bit apprehensive and reluctant about it. I looked back at some of my recent posts and while most are positive, even I know that no matter how much I want this to happen, that there is definitely a part of me that has my own concerns. I guess I put up a good front. The thing is, I know it's not that I'm scared or worried about losing Sue. I actually feel good about that - especially in the way she is encouraging me and not judging me.

What I feel is that Sue wants me to tell her the "how I feel" part more than she specifically wants to hear all of the sordid details about the things in my head. She seems to be most comfortable when I tell her what's in my head and what things mean to me rather than specifics of what position or that sort of thing about her. And that's where I guess she's right, it has felt good to share with her some of how I feel and I hope that continues. I know that I've always (almost always) been able to tell her that "watching this" or "doing that" turned me on. She knows that it turns me on to know she's had sex with another guy, what she wants to hear is what about it turns me on, what thoughts do I have that turn me on.

For her side, she's told me that she loves that I can share this with her as she feels it is something significant for us and something that she says makes her understand and believe that this is truly what I want to feel. I've told her about my concerns and she's said that she can understand them, especially when I've shared more of my feelings. When I told her how it made me feel so aroused to think about her feeling her lover deep inside her as he brings her to orgasm (told her that last night even though we weren't having sex) she looked at me and said she loved me in such a sensitive and deep way, it just made me feel good about it. I told her that I loved knowing another guy would feel what I do - that I can feel all of her through my cock deep in her and how it turned me on to think of her sharing that moment with her lover.

Last night she explained a little more about what she wants to feel from me - what she's looking for. She looked at me and told me that in the past, whenever she's shared some of these types of thoughts with me - how she feels or what she wants to feel - that I have almost always responded in such a way that she knew that I wanted what was happening. She says that it's given her a lot of confidence knowing how I feel. What she said, in her own round-about-way was that she wants me to feel the same. That she wants me to feel that she knows what I'm saying and thinking and that she would like me to have that same feeling of being able to tell her anything and everything and to know that she is okay with it. Convoluted thinking for sure, but I guess it's her way of explaining more of what she wants to have between us.

Far2 - you use the word "soon" in your description of things progressing between us but I don't get that feeling, at least not just yet from Sue. Had she already met or had someone in mind, the word "sooner" might be applicable, but at this time - and maybe that's also at play in making this easier to talk about as it's all in the abstract and not happening - but it's still months away at best before she, by her own admission and her own desires, thinks anything will happen in terms of her wanting that sort of closeness with another guy.

You mentioned being a part of their love making - Sue's already said that she missed that at times when she was with Robert (maybe not towards the end) and has said that she would want me to be able to be with them at times. I told her that I did miss it. We didn't talk about it but the implications are obvious depending on where they are in their relationship would influence what I did /didn't do with them. But other than enjoying watching me masturbate on Wednesdays, she has no interest in "controlling my orgasms". My thoughts about this are that this is for her, the only comments she's really made about it is what she'd said last Wednesday that's stuck in my head - that she teased me that "this may be all you have for a while baby, how are you going to feel about that" referring to me masturbating. Again she wanted to know how it will make me feel and I told her that I knew I'll miss feeling her but that in many ways, thinking that only me cum more when I jerk off. The point being that her response was more like "that's good baby, you'll need that at times".

I know that it's all easy to talk about, especially right now when we are still having full-on sex and she's still going to bed filled with my cum. As I said above and that we've talked together, that this is more fantasy and Penthouse Stories right now between us, but she is very quick to tell me that I need to be sure about this too.

 

[Will2112001]

Steve You know the more open You are with Sue. The more open She will be with You. Sounds like She is really trying to give You what want and quit frankly need sexually. It sounds like she is not judging You negatively in any way. Hiding you thoughts and feelings sounds to Me at least, counterproductive.

 

[SoonToBe]

Will - I know what she's trying to do and I know that it's all positive for her and that she wants all of this to be better for me. It's not so much that I'm hiding thoughts or feelings but more that it's not easy to put what I feel inside into words to share with her. It's also not easy admitting what I'm feeling and knowing that whether they're what I've said all along or not, that they are what I'm feeling. She apparently wants to hear more of my emotions and feelings and thought and not just my responses to the sex she has and wants. I've tried to explain how strangely fulfilling it felt to use condoms with her and she's understood and accepted that but she seems to want me to open up even more and try to share with her almost why I want it or how it makes me feel inside. It's all good and I'm sure that over the next few weeks or so that she'll succeed in what she wants - or that perhaps she'll realize that guys in general can't always put words to feelings as easily as she can at times....

 

[Jaxunman]

I agree with Will. There is no doubt Sue has truly enjoyed the places her outside relationships have taken her, but also taken you both as a couple. However, I think Sue is getting equal, if not more, enjoyment out of the closeness and open talk it has brought between you and her. She now can feel she has gotten into your deepest, darkest thoughts and desires. She cannot help but open her own mind to you in exchange.

When so many couples at your particular stage in life are growing apart and busying themselves with anything and everything to fill the void, Sue has to feel special with the growing closeness with you.

 

[Will2112001]

Will - I know what she's trying to do and I know that it's all positive for her and that she wants all of this to be better for me. It's not so much that I'm hiding thoughts or feelings but more that it's not easy to put what I feel inside into words to share with her. It's also not easy admitting what I'm feeling and knowing that whether they're what I've said all along or not, that they are what I'm feeling. She apparently wants to hear more of my emotions and feelings and thought and not just my responses to the sex she has and wants. I've tried to explain how strangely fulfilling it felt to use condoms with her and she's understood and accepted that but she seems to want me to open up even more and try to share with her almost why I want it or how it makes me feel inside. It's all good and I'm sure that over the next few weeks or so that she'll succeed in what she wants - or that perhaps she'll realize that guys in general can't always put words to feelings as easily as she can at times....

Steve like most wives, Sue finds it hard to believe That her Loving Husband wants to share Her with other men. Sounds like She is just trying to understand Your desirer. Plus know this isn't something Your going beat Her over the head with latter on. I see what Your saying about it being hard to put into words. But the more You talk the easier it gets to express Your thoughts and needs. I get the feeling Your feeling guilty for feeling this way. You shouldn't they are Your needs. Plus Sue sounds committed to giving You what you want and taking Her own pleasure. Which sounds like a "Win Win" to Me. You on the verge of having a Sex Life Most Cuckolds here only dream about. I would tell You keep trying. You'll find it gets easier.

 

[Will2112001]

I agree with Will. There is no doubt Sue has truly enjoyed the places her outside relationships have taken her, but also taken you both as a couple. However, I think Sue is getting equal, if not more, enjoyment out of the closeness and open talk it has brought between you and her. She now can feel she has gotten into your deepest, darkest thoughts and desires. She cannot help but open her own mind to you in exchange.

When so many couples at your particular stage in life are growing apart and busying themselves with anything and everything to fill the void, Sue has to feel special with the growing closeness with you.

Jax Well Put!!!

 

[peakmb]

Steve,
I think it is clear that it is a good thing with Sue if you share your inner feelings with her. Sue knows you well enough and has lived through enough with you that little you will say will truly shock her, almost nothing could turn her away from you without needing further discussion and most will simply reinforce what she already believes to be true anyway. That route leads to greater confidence for her and ultimately a greater chance of your desires coming true.

I think the only caution point would be in the areas where you are stating desires for things that have not yet happened. Like extended total denial of her pussy, but not just that. Last time Sue stopped that experiment and introduced condoms after flirting with reconnection weekends. So you imagine now you want to go further but neither of you has really experienced it and you may not like it completely when you get there. Talking it through beforehand thus also means talking through realistic danger points and potential cut outs if things don't quite turn out as expected.

Having said that, you both have virtually no history recently of trying things and getting them wrong, or at least doing quick adjustments or modifications to correct it. I think your new openness will be vital if Sue is going to push the emotional attachment envelope much further this time. You will not be able to reassure yourself that 'it is only fucking' this time, nor may you have the solace of reconnections if that plan rolls out. This dual hit could be hard if you don't continue to really share your true thoughts with each other through the affair. Even then, some days could get tough.

If nothing else, you will still have us, advising you to go in three different directions at once to solve your problems!

Can't wait, and neither I expect, can you ..

 

[UKResearcher]

Your mostly Wednesday conversations with your wife have nicely maintained sexual intensity during her lull between lovers but perhaps you have been urged into making too much commitment with respect to denial. Robert was special so it was understandable that Sue might want only his semen inside her but it now seems that any future beau will almost automatically be allowed the same privilege.

For several years Radical Guy has been describing an arrangement under which his wife is sexually exclusive to her lovers for the duration of each affair but when she is between lovers, enthusiastic marital relations are resumed. Once long ago someone asked if you envisioned ever finishing up in a similar situation to Radical Guy. At the time you replied that you had zero inclination in that direction but I fear that on your current tack you have the potential to sail perilously close.

 

[raksdeer]

STB, I agree with UKResearcher. From your posts it seems quite clear that you WANT total denial this time. And so does Sue. Because that's what she wants to hear from you again and again. What would be the extent of denial ? Like Radicalguy would you also like to be denied completely as long as the affair lasts? Or since you have already experimented with month/ two months denial, would you like to notch it up by taking it to Six months level. Would Sue not feel guility for denying you for so long? Would she be comfortable with denying you satisfaction while she gets it from her lover ?

 

[SoonToBe]

I am up late for work once again and while finishing there I thought I'd reply. UK and Raks, yes, you are correct. UK, perhaps you have something there, that perhaps we are still on a high from her time with Robert. I can't say no to that.

I don't think Sue and I could ever approach what Radical used to espouse - even if Mr. Right came along and fulfilled her desires for this "affair", I am confident that we both view it as something that wouldn't be long lived, contrary to the fantasy of it all, we do still have lives, families and kids. The other thought related to UK's post is that we both know that she may go-through several guys before she finds who she likes. When we talked about her looking elsewhere than her work, like this adult-class she may sign up for, that there are going to be a wider range of guys rather than the more narrow range she's encountered thus far.

I can only say that over time my feelings and desires have most definitely changed. Perhaps it's a natural evolution as someone suggested, not sure. All I can say is that last summer and fall, that I just haven't ever felt that way before, strangely satisfied and content. And Sue's apparent conditioning of me is working because it's becoming easier and easier for me to just say it. Do I want her to eventually deny me fully - I would have cringed at the thought just a few years back - but now I admit it that I do want it. I think the only thing I can say right now is really no different than I've said all along, that it just cannot be indefinite.

Despite wanting to experience being denied sex with her, it's not something that I would want as a long-term thing and what comforts me is that Sue says she feels the same way - that we both know that we need to have sex with each other at times to stay together as we are. To Raks quesiton - how frequent is that? I don't know honestly - I would have never thought I could handle using condoms with her for months on end and yet it was very enjoyable. I don't know that I can really put a time-frame on it - surely I'd think that 6 months would be perhaps a bit too distant, but to be honest, it would really depend on how things are between us. As I said, I seemed to derive a strange even perverse enjoyment using condoms with her. I liked your question of what she would want and that is where I come back to what we seem to always need, to feel each other deeply and intimately after a period of time, but just how long that is, I don't know.

What I guess I should try to say before I hit submit is that when we've talked about this together, that she too has said that her desire to be at that extreme with me will be short-lived. What's the saying, the match burns hottest just before it goes out? What I've felt is that she understands that she too has a limit, perhaps out of guilt, or perhaps out of now, finally (and I can see it more and more) knowing herself unlike long ago with Brad. In our talks about her "affair" she'd always said that it would be short but intense.

 

[dana007]

STB
So how did last night go as normal or, was there any changes to tell.

keep us posted.

 

[peakmb]

Quite Dana. And Steve, just what do you have do to earn the panties being dropped again? Or are you secretly enjoying this denial too? Don't tell Sue if you do, she might take them off!

 

[SoonToBe]

I only have a little time to post right now - crazy day.

Last night was definitely a continuation of the recent past with Sue continuing to try to get me to feel more free about opening up and sharing my thoughts and desires. There was obvious sexual tension between us from when I got home late from work. I was horny and annoyed that I'd gotten stuck at the office late - that plus that I haven't seen her pussy now since when we were away over last weekend - I was hoping that when we got into bed that maybe she'd give me a treat and take them off. She did not.

I told her how horny it was making me not seeing her pussy and she said "I'm not ready yet, I'm still annoyed a bit .... and I'm enjoying how it's making you feel". We talked a bit about how it made me feel not being able to see her. She asked me if I fantasized about her taking them off for her lover and not me and I hoarsely said yes.

She held my hand at that point and she talked more seriously to me. She looked at me and said that she just wants to hear all the crazy stuff that I think about that turns me on - and then she said what made me feel much more comfortable - she said in a way that just conveyed sincerity - that this was just us talking about fantasies and she looked at me and said "I know you'd probably never want some of this to happen for real" and she proceeded to tell me how much it turned her on to know what really turned me on and how I felt. At one point she said "like the whole 'knock me up' thing...." and she said how she knew that was just fantasy between us and that it couldn't and wouldn't ever have happened but she said that she loved knowing that she and I shared it as something that made us horny.

It was weird at one point, I told her that in a way I felt guilty about feeling this way and that I felt guilty about the 'perversity' of my thoughts (I didn't use that word but it summarizes what I told her - that in a way I feel guilty and almost embarassed to tell her how I feel. She looked at me and it was almost as if she felt the same way or was thinking the same as she told me that she thought that made sense and she empathized how hard it must be for me to really come out and talk about this more openly, not after how we were all raised, etc. She said again how "we're just talking" and how this is just fun for us and that I shouldn't feel weird or uncomfortable about anything and she said again how she'd never judge me or think any less of me for what I might be thinking.

I can't say it was what she said specifically or whether it's just her repetition of it to me, but as I started to talk to her more, even I could tell that I was more relaxed in what I was saying and that I felt less awkward in telling her things. She'd already coaxed my boxers off and at one point knelt next to me still in her panties and she talked openly about how she felt as I stroked myself. I guess it was her turn to show me how relaxed and open she could be - she told me how keeping them on was making her horny to find another lover and how aroused it made her feel to know she wasn't letting me see her. She told me she's masturbated herself to the thought of only her lover getting to take her panties off and how wet she gets sometimes thinking about about only spreading her legs (her words, not mine) for her lover. She said more that I can't specifically recall but it included how horny she feels thinking about only feeling her lover's cum in her.

As I got more into it she encouraged me to start to talk to her. I admit, it felt much easier - and when I turned my head and saw her panties it spurred me on. I can't even really say what it was that I said that was new to her but as I said, it seemed easier - and maybe the word I'm looking for is to say that maybe I sounded more "sincere"? I told her how horny it made me to see her pussy and not know how wet she was beneath and to not know whether she's still furry or whether she's trimmed or shaved it. I told her that thought would drive me crazy if she was seeing another guy right now and she squealed at me telling her that.

I was so hard already - I have to say that it did feel better to talk to her. Her soft moans and understanding sounding sigh's really relaxed me. Again, it's not like i told her anything new, but it all felt a little different. She brought up going back to using condoms at some point and I told her how horny it made me feel to think about. Again, not sure what was different but she talked to me and it just felt calmer and we actually sort of talked/fantasized together for a few minutes. I told her how it made me feel knowing what I was doing and that it meant only her lover would feel her bare. She was into it and told me how horny she knows she'll feel when she's ready to ask me for that and she told me how wet she gets thinking of how she'll feel when she reaches that point in the future. I told her that it's one of the thoughts that really makes me hard and she giggled and said "I can see that...".

I need to cut this short here - but I'll end this part with saying that as we talked more - she encouraged me more and started to tell me again how horny she felt seeing me masturbating and then loved to see me cum - and again, said that she loves that "it's not in me". Again, I knew some of this was all talk/fantasizing and that seemed to make it even more arousing and intense to me. At the end I told her how horny she made me and that I loved what we were sharing and how I hoped she wanted this as much as I do. She cooed in my ear at the end and told me that she loved hearing "how much you like my boyfriend fucking me". That was it - whew - I spewed all over my chest and stomach and I even felt my lower body twitch and shiver with some of the spurts! But hearing her moan was probably the most erotic part that just made me feel so good knowing she'd been so turned on watching me.

Afterwards she lay next to me and lazily dragged her finger through all the cum and she told me that she loved me and that she loved that she thought I "finally opened up". She told me again how she knows how hard it was for me to talk to her and that she wanted this to continue and she kissed me deeply. After she kissed me she leaned down and sucked my softening cock in her mouth which just felt incredible and she gently sucked/licked me clean. Then, as usual from the past she looked at me and asked "You want it?" and I just smiled and nodded and with a big smile on her face, she scooped up my cum and teased my tongue with her wet fingers. With the last finger-ful she leaned down and kissed me.

 

[SoonToBe]

I've been trying to find time to post an update here and this is the first moment I've had free. Our son surprised us and came home from college on Saturday evening so we've been busy either going out or with other relatives stopping by here. Sue conked out earlier and I am now soon to follow.

Despite our son coming home, Sue has continued to encourage and support me in telling her everything. She has surely held nothing back herself including at times, sharing some intense thoughts of her own that she enjoys fantasizing about herself. Yes, largely of her boyfriend but she says that it's not his face that's in her fantasies. She's kept it up where I am starting to feel much more at ease with things. She was right, that in a way I was holding back. She said that she knew how I felt and that she too felt strange and awkward when she realized she wanted to tell me how she felt when she was seeing Robert, not that she felt differently with him than the other guys but more of her own acceptance of her own desires. She encouraged me and told me that I needed to accept my own desires, just as she had.

We talked a lot - and I have to say - she really knows me and she was right, she had crossed some of these same feelings herself. She told me that just as it's hard for me to accept that I truly have a desire for her to be with another man in as full a relationship as she may want - she said that it was hard for her to accept that herself when she came to realize it. I never really understood what she'd been trying to say or convey to me until she said that and I realized that in a way she was right. Just as she had to come to accept that she enjoys and wants to have a lover, that it's something I need to learn to accept in myself, that I want that for her.

It has been easier, all around since we started talking. I can't say that I'm really even telling her anything different than I already have, but I suppose it's in the way I'm saying it, or in, as I put it - the sincerity I seem to have. When we fucked on Friday night she encouraged me to open up and tell her the thoughts in my head that make me so horny. As I said, I told her the same as I think I always have, how turned on I get thinking of her feeling her lovers cock in her where mine is. She teased me that's all I'll get to feel at some time knowing it would spur me on to talk to her. I think I may have also been overthinking things too because she's really emphasized to me that shes' just talking/teasing and again said that "when it happens baby, we'll both be okay with it" and she said that as she understands more of where my thoughts are, that she's sure that when it does that she's even said that "it'll be something you'll want for me".

TTFN

 

[peakmb]

Steve,
Visualisation is a very useful technique sometimes. It can get you used to something before it happens or desensitise you to something you are worried about. Sue is using it carefully. When the time comes you will be ready. I think the preparation may be needed because this time all the elements will be in her relationship. Her emotions, your denial of her pussy and maybe for some time. It will get into your head when the time comes and thinking it through now will help when the time comes.

 

[SoonToBe]

Peak - yeah, I guess you could call it visualization. I just think she's making me feel comfortable expressing myself and that this is her way of easing some of my concerns. And I guess that's the other thing that I'd add to all of this. I know that we've talked about the future and that she wants me to be clear of what may happen, but the reality is that nothing is definite and she's even said that at times - maybe to assuage me or maybe because it's what she's thinking. But I do agree with what you say that when the time comes, that I'll be ready - actually what Sue and I have been able to talk about more openly is that when the time does come, that she (and I) feel it'll be something that I will both be ready for but she even asked me what I thought about it being something that I would want too. She asked me if things are such that she's really into her boyfriend and such and that if I see it and aren't threatened by it or anything - that she even asked me if I thought it might be something that I would actually want to have happen for myself.

It took me a second but in the same sense of talking and being more comfortable about it, I tried to not think about the stuff that normally is on my mind that seems to inhibit me. Instead, I looked at her and we talked openly, maybe a little awkward on my part at first but I told her that she might be right. She smiled at, I guess, me talking with her like this and she pretty much asked me how I'd feel about things if she was seeing someone who she felt good with and who things were working out with. I knew what she was saying and she was right, it felt pretty good to talk about stuff openly out of the bedroom. I was honest with her as we talked and told her she was right, that if I saw her really enjoying herself with things in the future - that yes, it would probably be what I'd want, to move into a more of a true beta-role with her (not exactly what I said but the general gist). She smiled and we talked a bit more and what came out was that I told her that I understood what she was saying and it actually felt good to relax about it and I came out and told her that she was right, that if things were just so such that it was really a turn-on seeing her relationship and desires blossom with her lover - that she's right, I probably would want to give her the next steps - using condoms with her or more.

That's all for now.

 

[SoonToBe]

Just thought I'd post something here that I shared with someone in a PM.

It's something that I haven't fully considered yet but now that it's been mentioned, it's clearly something that's on my mind. Surprisingly it's not something Sue has said to me outright but now, thinking about it, I can't deny that it's something that is on my mind.

What's been pointed out to me is that perhaps it's not the inevitability of what we're doing that has me apprehensive - it's not when I will begin to use condoms with her or when/if she begins to be exclusively with her lover. Maybe what I'm feeling apprehensive about is that there's an unspoken understanding that I am also giving he control of our sexuality more and more. She's never really come out and said it directly to me - indirectly she's long teased me that she should control what she does with her own body and who she shares it with - but that maybe I'm feeling apprehensive because this is going further and giving her more control and power over everything.

Even now, with her STILL wearing panties all the time, now that it's been pointed out to me, it's obvious that this is a control thing for her too - and I wonder if that's what she is really enjoying? Suffice to say, this is a direction I'll look to swing our conversations to......

 

[poppag]

Does she allow to see her breasts, how would you feel if she covered up completely! No pussy no breasts saving it all for her lover

 

[SoonToBe]

Up checking on something at work so thought I'd add my thoughts here before crashing.

Pop - she allows me to see her breasts all the time and she removes her panties when we're having sex (and has relaxed a bit to give me a few peeks now and then in the bedroom). I suppose that's a possibility, that she'd hide all of herself from me, but then, that would defeat some of what we're in sync on which is that she derives her enjoyment partially from knowing it's also mine.

I haven't shared my latest thoughts, that perhaps what I'm reluctant or anxious about isn't the ability to be open with her as she says, but maybe it's that what everyone has said is (coming) true, that she is taking more/all control in the bedroom - at least as far as her own body and her own desires are concerned! I'm thinking there's not much I can do really - not unless I want to derail things (again?) - and to be honest, I guess the reality that I'm hesitant to accept is that maybe I want her to take control. In a way, that's how she was when we first met - she was the one who was horny and she was the one who made sure that she came whether I did or not (of course she always gave me my turn afterwards). I remember that vividly - and perhaps, now that I''ve opened the mental speculation cabinet - perhaps I even have the thought that for 30 years now, my focus has truly been on getting her to cum (violently at times) before I would take my turn and cum in her. I have the odd thought that my desire to be the beta for her may somehow be related to my feeling as the alpha for so long.

And this is why I post here - because I probably wouldn't have sorted out some of these thoughts in my head without the ability to write freely and have others give me their feedback, including the PM that gave me this very thought. Anyway - too many thoughts for 1am.

 

[Will2112001]

I haven't shared my latest thoughts, that perhaps what I'm reluctant or anxious about isn't the ability to be open with her as she says, but maybe it's that what everyone has said is (coming) true, that she is taking more/all control in the bedroom - at least as far as her own body and her own desires are concerned! I'm thinking there's not much I can do really - not unless I want to derail things (again?) - and to be honest, I guess the reality that I'm hesitant to accept is that maybe I want her to take control. In a way, that's how she was when we first met - she was the one who was horny and she was the one who made sure that she came whether I did or not (of course she always gave me my turn afterwards). I remember that vividly - and perhaps, now that I''ve opened the mental speculation cabinet - perhaps I even have the thought that for 30 years now, my focus has truly been on getting her to cum (violently at times) before I would take my turn and cum in her. I have the odd thought that my desire to be the beta for her may somehow be related to my feeling as the alpha for so long.

And this is why I post here - because I probably wouldn't have sorted out some of these thoughts in my head without the ability to write freely and have others give me their feedback, including the PM that gave me this very thought. Anyway - too many thoughts for 1am.

Steve, I really believe Your overthinking this. Does it really matter why You have Beta feelings and desires? You have them. I assume Your not that unhappy about it. (You must get something out of it) Sue seems to be onboard with this. She sounds like She's even helping You get to Your dream. As I have said before You two seem happy. Both of You think about the other's happiness. There are some on this board who can't say that. Sue is not judging You for Your desires. And if anyone else is??? Do You really care??? Steve, LIFE IS GOOD!!!! Enjoy it.