Don't really know how much I should tell or even if this is the right place in this Forum to post. I have lurked here for a long time and finally have the courage to post.
I am a 45 y.o. white, professional male. My wife is 24 and also white. I know, huge age difference. I don't want to get into how we met, just yet. But, at the time we met, she had a lot of personal problems. She had been dating a young black man since her Senior year of high school. She lived in a smaller town and her parents were in a lot of ways racist. They didn't necessarily speak badly of African Americans, they just didn't want their daughter to date one. We met the Winter after her Senior year. Her parents had thrown her out of their house and she was struggling trying to live on her own. She was a waitress but had no real money to take care of herself. She lived with a friend and had no long term plans. The black boyfriend (who I will call Bryan) had no long term plans, no ambition and had a low level, low paying job. Neither wanted to go to college. What meager money she had, he spent on partying and foolish things like clothes for himself.
I had never been married when I met her. I had been in a lot of relationships but they never seemed to satisfy me. I was a workaholic and so I guess I never really worried about much other than my profession. I had a lot of sexual kinks, I think. I enjoyed dressing in womens panties and, sometimes in private, womens clothes. I ordered all my panties online and I almost never wore mens underwear. I only wore them when I went on dates. I fantasized almost constantly about having a Mistress and being in a Dom/Sub relationship. But, I was scared to death to try it in real life. I was even afraid to go to the Dungeons that you pay for. The whole thought of actually doing these things scared me. Since my time in college, I fantasized about my girlfriends cheating on me. Again, I was to afraid to bring that up in real life or even to try to hint to them that I wanted that. It wasn't until the internet came along that I even realized there were so many men like me.
When I met Melissa, I wasn't bowled over by her. She was OK looking and not very educated. We really didn't have anything in common and she seemed kind of immature. But, I did feel bad for her situation and I used to take her to dinner or lunch and we'd talk. Over time, I think I became a father figure type to her and a shoulder to cry on. Also, I became sort of like a Sugar Daddy to her in that I helped her financially, bought her dinner, that kind of thing. As she told me more about Bryan, I became sexually aroused. I really felt like I was living a little of my fantasies with Mel. I fantasized that she was my girlfriend, cheating on me, telling me stories of her lover. It was tame but seemed to be exciting to me.
Well, one night, she came to my house after dinner, we drank and had sex. It was great sexually for me because I couldn't stop thinking about how another man had filled her so recently. She had an orgasm and told me that she had never had one before during actual sex, so I felt good about that. She spent more time at my house and finally just moved in. I really was consumed with work so most days and nights she spent without me and, I thought, alone. In truth, she still saw Bryan, though. She never tried to really hide it but she never really admitted it either.
We had sex maybe once every 2 or 3 weeks. I knew she was still in love with Bryan and that I was safe and convenient for her. I also provided for her and she eventually stopped working all together. It was an odd time because I would find little clues that she had slept with him in my house. Things like his empty cigarette packs in the trash, empty beer bottles, that kind of stuff. But, she never really said anything about it. I was OK with it all. We never had a heart to heart or anything like that.
Then she told me she was pregnant. Again, a strange time. I suppose I knew the baby could be mine or his. She told me it could be mine or his. We didn't really fight. So much, then, was unspoken between us. I didn't know what to do. I let her stay at the house until childbirth. Bryan still must have come around but he wasn't rushing to marry her or anything. She had a little girl. I was at the hospital with her as a "friend" and the child was clearly mixed race.
She came home from the hospital and I told her she could stay with me because I knew she had nowhere else to go. A few weeks later, I came home and she was crying hysterically, telling me that Bryan and her were finished. He didn't want to marry her. We talked, finally, then about what had been going on with her. She confessed her love for Bryan and told me how he had been over the house nearly every day. She told me that she loved me too but in a more platonic way.
At that point, I guess my male hormones kicked in and I told her that she had to find another place to live, that I wasn't going to take care of her and the baby. It was a terrible argument and she packed some of her things and took the baby to her friend's house. The next day, when I calmed down, I started to miss her. I didn't know why, really. But I missed her and I guessed I was in love with her. I missed her scent (her perfumes and body lotions still lingered on the pillows, the couch, the sheets, everywhere). I missed her being there when I got home. I missed massaging her shoulders and feet. I missed taking care of her.
Well, I did the worst thing I could do. I begged her to come back. I still don't believe I did, but, I did. I'm leaving out so many details because I have already written a lot and I can fill the details in later. She came home but now she had a sense of entitlement and superiority. I guess she knew she could do anything now and I'd still accept her. Our sex life was almost nonexistent. She would give me a hand job once a week or so, but, not much else. I constantly had oral sex with her and always made sure she came. Looking back, there was no dramatic shift in our relationship, it kind of just evolved. We didn't really even talk that much about it.
Bryan was never really gone and now he came over the house more openly. Many times, I would come home from work and they'd be in our bedroom. The first time, I simply slept in a guest bedroom. The next day, she told me that if I was OK with him being there, I should just sleep in the guest room when he was over. She said he wouldn't be staying over much because he still lived at home and his parents weren't crazy about him not coming home. I accepted it. I accepted it all.
A little over a year later, she was pregnant again. This time, I knew it wasn't mine, couldn't possibly have been mine. It was another girl and it was mixed as well. Bryan was almost always over. Mel wanted security, though, and, without getting into the details now, I said that I would marry her. We did get married.
Well, here is my problem now. I know that I have left a lot out. I'll try to fill in all the details later. As the years have gone on, Bryan and Mel have become very bold, very assertive and, sometimes, very cruel. A lot of that behavior really turns me on. But, some of it just hurts emotionally. Part of me wants to divorce her because this is all starting to get very crazy. Part of me is scared to death to leave her.
Yesterday, I bought a car for Bryan. Stupid. Very stupid. Mel convinced me and I did it. I say that things have changed through the years and one thing is the way that both of them seem to rub my face in their relationship. After I brought the car home, they went for a ride in it. I stayed home and watched the girls. Mel began texting me pictures of them in the car. She was snuggled up against him while he drove. She was kissing his neck in one, stroking his pants near his cock in another. The final picture was taken by him with her sucking his cock. Part of me was sick to my stomach, part of me turned on.
When they came home, he left to go to his home. We put the kids to bed and went to our bedroom. She asked if I liked the pictures and laughed. I felt like crying in a way, but, I didn't. I also felt aroused. She told me to "eat me out" and I did as she asked. No reciprocity for me, though. Nothing, no hand job, nothing. I went in the bathroom to jack off and she followed me in. She told me I could do that in bed and she "allowed" me to kiss her while I did it.
I'm afraid that if I don't try to stop things, they are just going to get more assertive and cruel. But, if I say anything, she might leave, again. I feel like an addict. I believe some of the things written on here are true and I really need to know how to find that balance between living with my choices and not feeling hurt or angry. I'm sure that I love her, but, I'm not sure if that's what keeps me here or if it's simply that I'm afraid after waiting my whole life for something like this to simply walk away from it.
Help, please!
I am a 45 y.o. white, professional male. My wife is 24 and also white. I know, huge age difference. I don't want to get into how we met, just yet. But, at the time we met, she had a lot of personal problems. She had been dating a young black man since her Senior year of high school. She lived in a smaller town and her parents were in a lot of ways racist. They didn't necessarily speak badly of African Americans, they just didn't want their daughter to date one. We met the Winter after her Senior year. Her parents had thrown her out of their house and she was struggling trying to live on her own. She was a waitress but had no real money to take care of herself. She lived with a friend and had no long term plans. The black boyfriend (who I will call Bryan) had no long term plans, no ambition and had a low level, low paying job. Neither wanted to go to college. What meager money she had, he spent on partying and foolish things like clothes for himself.
I had never been married when I met her. I had been in a lot of relationships but they never seemed to satisfy me. I was a workaholic and so I guess I never really worried about much other than my profession. I had a lot of sexual kinks, I think. I enjoyed dressing in womens panties and, sometimes in private, womens clothes. I ordered all my panties online and I almost never wore mens underwear. I only wore them when I went on dates. I fantasized almost constantly about having a Mistress and being in a Dom/Sub relationship. But, I was scared to death to try it in real life. I was even afraid to go to the Dungeons that you pay for. The whole thought of actually doing these things scared me. Since my time in college, I fantasized about my girlfriends cheating on me. Again, I was to afraid to bring that up in real life or even to try to hint to them that I wanted that. It wasn't until the internet came along that I even realized there were so many men like me.
When I met Melissa, I wasn't bowled over by her. She was OK looking and not very educated. We really didn't have anything in common and she seemed kind of immature. But, I did feel bad for her situation and I used to take her to dinner or lunch and we'd talk. Over time, I think I became a father figure type to her and a shoulder to cry on. Also, I became sort of like a Sugar Daddy to her in that I helped her financially, bought her dinner, that kind of thing. As she told me more about Bryan, I became sexually aroused. I really felt like I was living a little of my fantasies with Mel. I fantasized that she was my girlfriend, cheating on me, telling me stories of her lover. It was tame but seemed to be exciting to me.
Well, one night, she came to my house after dinner, we drank and had sex. It was great sexually for me because I couldn't stop thinking about how another man had filled her so recently. She had an orgasm and told me that she had never had one before during actual sex, so I felt good about that. She spent more time at my house and finally just moved in. I really was consumed with work so most days and nights she spent without me and, I thought, alone. In truth, she still saw Bryan, though. She never tried to really hide it but she never really admitted it either.
We had sex maybe once every 2 or 3 weeks. I knew she was still in love with Bryan and that I was safe and convenient for her. I also provided for her and she eventually stopped working all together. It was an odd time because I would find little clues that she had slept with him in my house. Things like his empty cigarette packs in the trash, empty beer bottles, that kind of stuff. But, she never really said anything about it. I was OK with it all. We never had a heart to heart or anything like that.
Then she told me she was pregnant. Again, a strange time. I suppose I knew the baby could be mine or his. She told me it could be mine or his. We didn't really fight. So much, then, was unspoken between us. I didn't know what to do. I let her stay at the house until childbirth. Bryan still must have come around but he wasn't rushing to marry her or anything. She had a little girl. I was at the hospital with her as a "friend" and the child was clearly mixed race.
She came home from the hospital and I told her she could stay with me because I knew she had nowhere else to go. A few weeks later, I came home and she was crying hysterically, telling me that Bryan and her were finished. He didn't want to marry her. We talked, finally, then about what had been going on with her. She confessed her love for Bryan and told me how he had been over the house nearly every day. She told me that she loved me too but in a more platonic way.
At that point, I guess my male hormones kicked in and I told her that she had to find another place to live, that I wasn't going to take care of her and the baby. It was a terrible argument and she packed some of her things and took the baby to her friend's house. The next day, when I calmed down, I started to miss her. I didn't know why, really. But I missed her and I guessed I was in love with her. I missed her scent (her perfumes and body lotions still lingered on the pillows, the couch, the sheets, everywhere). I missed her being there when I got home. I missed massaging her shoulders and feet. I missed taking care of her.
Well, I did the worst thing I could do. I begged her to come back. I still don't believe I did, but, I did. I'm leaving out so many details because I have already written a lot and I can fill the details in later. She came home but now she had a sense of entitlement and superiority. I guess she knew she could do anything now and I'd still accept her. Our sex life was almost nonexistent. She would give me a hand job once a week or so, but, not much else. I constantly had oral sex with her and always made sure she came. Looking back, there was no dramatic shift in our relationship, it kind of just evolved. We didn't really even talk that much about it.
Bryan was never really gone and now he came over the house more openly. Many times, I would come home from work and they'd be in our bedroom. The first time, I simply slept in a guest bedroom. The next day, she told me that if I was OK with him being there, I should just sleep in the guest room when he was over. She said he wouldn't be staying over much because he still lived at home and his parents weren't crazy about him not coming home. I accepted it. I accepted it all.
A little over a year later, she was pregnant again. This time, I knew it wasn't mine, couldn't possibly have been mine. It was another girl and it was mixed as well. Bryan was almost always over. Mel wanted security, though, and, without getting into the details now, I said that I would marry her. We did get married.
Well, here is my problem now. I know that I have left a lot out. I'll try to fill in all the details later. As the years have gone on, Bryan and Mel have become very bold, very assertive and, sometimes, very cruel. A lot of that behavior really turns me on. But, some of it just hurts emotionally. Part of me wants to divorce her because this is all starting to get very crazy. Part of me is scared to death to leave her.
Yesterday, I bought a car for Bryan. Stupid. Very stupid. Mel convinced me and I did it. I say that things have changed through the years and one thing is the way that both of them seem to rub my face in their relationship. After I brought the car home, they went for a ride in it. I stayed home and watched the girls. Mel began texting me pictures of them in the car. She was snuggled up against him while he drove. She was kissing his neck in one, stroking his pants near his cock in another. The final picture was taken by him with her sucking his cock. Part of me was sick to my stomach, part of me turned on.
When they came home, he left to go to his home. We put the kids to bed and went to our bedroom. She asked if I liked the pictures and laughed. I felt like crying in a way, but, I didn't. I also felt aroused. She told me to "eat me out" and I did as she asked. No reciprocity for me, though. Nothing, no hand job, nothing. I went in the bathroom to jack off and she followed me in. She told me I could do that in bed and she "allowed" me to kiss her while I did it.
I'm afraid that if I don't try to stop things, they are just going to get more assertive and cruel. But, if I say anything, she might leave, again. I feel like an addict. I believe some of the things written on here are true and I really need to know how to find that balance between living with my choices and not feeling hurt or angry. I'm sure that I love her, but, I'm not sure if that's what keeps me here or if it's simply that I'm afraid after waiting my whole life for something like this to simply walk away from it.
Help, please!
