So - I'm not sure I can put all of the thoughts and discussions we had into one short post, but I'll at least start - as some of what we talked about revealed things that surprised me.
We started talking about it on Saturday and continued into yesterday.
The basic elements of the conversation were her trying to understand more about my penchant for denial and what I was feeling. She in turn shared some of her thoughts and realizations too.
One of the thoughts she shared with me was that she feels that my using condoms with her, in some way in her mind, gives her the reinforcement that our relationship isn't just based on sex - and that my willingness to give up that, as she put it "most intimate" feeling seems to convey to her that I want her for more than just sex and for more than just her willingness to fuck me or cum in her. I hadn't ever thought about this before - it surprised me that she'd read this into what we were doing. But I suppose, the more I thought about it, the more it made sense to me in a way. She seemed to really feel that my acceptance of her request signified that it's her that I want and not merely the opportunity to deposit my cum in her (her words, not mine).
Needless to say - this led to a lot of things and led me to realize a lot of what turns her on seems to touch her in more ways than I'd thought. She says that this feeling she has is really sort of independent of Robert or whoever - and that she even thinks its something that she's felt now for a long time - that my accepting of all of the stuff - all of the denial stuff we've done - that it's always reinforced that it's her that I want with or yes, without the sex part. I told her that I'd never really thought about it that way - but that maybe somewhere I might have some of the same thoughts - and I shared with her that in many ways, the odd pleasure of denying me the ability to cum in her - that maybe it's somewhat similar. I know that despite my sometimes thought that I would like to feel her bare again, that despite that - when we are done, I do feel a tremendous feeling of satisfaction that's beyond just the orgasm itself.
A thought that I shared with her is that my feelings and arousal at using condoms with her aren't unique or new. She was curious at what I was getting at and I admitted to her that it scared me a little to talk like this with her about these sorts of things - but she was really sensitive and convinced me that there shouldn't be anything that I couldn't say to her. Eventually I did finally tell her that it turns me on incredibly to use condoms with her - and I shared that it seems to have always turned me on that she shared some of her most intimate moments (as she'd called them) with other guys before me. I think she thought I was going to start with her with Brad but instead I told her that it'd turned me on so much to hear her tell me about losing her virginity - and again I told her that what she'd shared about her promiscuousness in college really turned me on - and I told her that included her boyfriend back then who used to fuck her anally all the time (she says he had a really skinny cock).
She was a bit surprised. I continued and told her that it turned me on to think of her first wedding and yes, that first night for her with her ex-husband. I don't think she remembered that over time she'd given me bits and pieces of these things that I put a picture together from. She blushed as I told her that I'd seen a few pics of her in her wedding-dress from the first time and I'd seen a pic of her ex and that it turned me on to think of him undressing her that first night and having her on their hotel bed.
I guess I explained myself a bit to clarify things for her because a moment of so later she said that she started to understand why some things had happened as they did and that she now understood how significant they must have felt to me. She said she always felt that she had to reach a certain level of intimacy with her guys but that once she was there, she felt very free with them - she hadn't realized that when she reached there, that it had such an arousing effect on me. She giggled and she said she can remember how almost upset I was but yet how turned on I was way back when things first started - she said that she remembered how upset AND worked-up I would get when she first showed Brad how to check on and later, how to put in her diaphragm. She said she remembered me saying something about how it was when she showed me how to do that.
She looked at me and said "so it turns you on that they get to do that instead of you?". I was so deep in thought that it took me a minute to nod my head yes to her. She smiled and giggled a little and said that she'd not realized all of this back then. She kissed me deeply.
It felt good to talk to her - she was right, it wasn't hard to talk to her, it really felt good to be able to talk, openly.
More in a bit.
We started talking about it on Saturday and continued into yesterday.
The basic elements of the conversation were her trying to understand more about my penchant for denial and what I was feeling. She in turn shared some of her thoughts and realizations too.
One of the thoughts she shared with me was that she feels that my using condoms with her, in some way in her mind, gives her the reinforcement that our relationship isn't just based on sex - and that my willingness to give up that, as she put it "most intimate" feeling seems to convey to her that I want her for more than just sex and for more than just her willingness to fuck me or cum in her. I hadn't ever thought about this before - it surprised me that she'd read this into what we were doing. But I suppose, the more I thought about it, the more it made sense to me in a way. She seemed to really feel that my acceptance of her request signified that it's her that I want and not merely the opportunity to deposit my cum in her (her words, not mine).
Needless to say - this led to a lot of things and led me to realize a lot of what turns her on seems to touch her in more ways than I'd thought. She says that this feeling she has is really sort of independent of Robert or whoever - and that she even thinks its something that she's felt now for a long time - that my accepting of all of the stuff - all of the denial stuff we've done - that it's always reinforced that it's her that I want with or yes, without the sex part. I told her that I'd never really thought about it that way - but that maybe somewhere I might have some of the same thoughts - and I shared with her that in many ways, the odd pleasure of denying me the ability to cum in her - that maybe it's somewhat similar. I know that despite my sometimes thought that I would like to feel her bare again, that despite that - when we are done, I do feel a tremendous feeling of satisfaction that's beyond just the orgasm itself.
A thought that I shared with her is that my feelings and arousal at using condoms with her aren't unique or new. She was curious at what I was getting at and I admitted to her that it scared me a little to talk like this with her about these sorts of things - but she was really sensitive and convinced me that there shouldn't be anything that I couldn't say to her. Eventually I did finally tell her that it turns me on incredibly to use condoms with her - and I shared that it seems to have always turned me on that she shared some of her most intimate moments (as she'd called them) with other guys before me. I think she thought I was going to start with her with Brad but instead I told her that it'd turned me on so much to hear her tell me about losing her virginity - and again I told her that what she'd shared about her promiscuousness in college really turned me on - and I told her that included her boyfriend back then who used to fuck her anally all the time (she says he had a really skinny cock).
She was a bit surprised. I continued and told her that it turned me on to think of her first wedding and yes, that first night for her with her ex-husband. I don't think she remembered that over time she'd given me bits and pieces of these things that I put a picture together from. She blushed as I told her that I'd seen a few pics of her in her wedding-dress from the first time and I'd seen a pic of her ex and that it turned me on to think of him undressing her that first night and having her on their hotel bed.
I guess I explained myself a bit to clarify things for her because a moment of so later she said that she started to understand why some things had happened as they did and that she now understood how significant they must have felt to me. She said she always felt that she had to reach a certain level of intimacy with her guys but that once she was there, she felt very free with them - she hadn't realized that when she reached there, that it had such an arousing effect on me. She giggled and she said she can remember how almost upset I was but yet how turned on I was way back when things first started - she said that she remembered how upset AND worked-up I would get when she first showed Brad how to check on and later, how to put in her diaphragm. She said she remembered me saying something about how it was when she showed me how to do that.
She looked at me and said "so it turns you on that they get to do that instead of you?". I was so deep in thought that it took me a minute to nod my head yes to her. She smiled and giggled a little and said that she'd not realized all of this back then. She kissed me deeply.
It felt good to talk to her - she was right, it wasn't hard to talk to her, it really felt good to be able to talk, openly.
More in a bit.