My ex and I split up around 10 years ago. I left her.

She cheated on me several times with two black guys (I swear this is 100% true) and ended up getting together and marrying the last black guy she cheated on me with.

I almost walked in on her cheated on me with the first guy, after coming home early from a night out. I didn't see anything, he left through another door, and she only admitted it after I found some of his items in my bedroom and after an hour of messing around I had him on the phone apologising and confessing to it. She was completely *****. She went to sleep while I cried.

I stayed with her for another year after finding out. After this happened I learned how turned on I was by the humiliation, and she regularly (after a lot of convincing to do it the first time) told me how much better the other guy was with a smile on her face (at this point I only knew about the one guy that I almost walked in on).

I have been in a relationship with a girl for nearly 10 years now, apart from a 9-month break last year (first and only split, mainly due to lockdown stress). She is the love of my life in every single way and I couldn't dream of someone better. I have a family now and life is great.

However, when is comes to my sex life, I am still infatuated with my ex, to this day. One in every 10 jerks, I cum thinking of her. I pay for custom videos from femdom models and have them tease and humiliate me for the things she did to me and for how I still obsess over her sexually. The cruelness of my ex and the way she broke me completely dominates my sexual drive. It wasn't just the cheating, she spoke to me like shit, never had sex with me, made me spend my money on her even though I was broke. She was really ruthless. So much so, that years after the event I'm still on subreddits like this, I'm still watching cuck porn, still paying to be humiliated for what she did to me.

I jerk over her FB and even have gay fantasies about sucking off her husband while she laughs at me. There is absolutely nothing that turns me on me than remembering how I felt back then and still to this day.

I would never in a million years want her back, but she will always be my number one jerk off material and I'm so thankful that she's there in my head to bring me to orgasm every so often, with the knowledge that she does not have a clue how what she did still affects me today.


I wrote the above as a comment on another post a couple of years ago. Last year (when my current partner and I were on a break), I got in touch with my cheating ex.

We spoke and did a friendly catch up on the phone after I had gotten her number from a friend of hers. We spoke about what she's done over the last 10 or so years (I had not bumped into her even once since we split), work-wise, relationship-wise, family-wise. I tried to keep as much detail about my life to myself and just spoke about her. She was happy to speak and to be fair she didn't have many questions about my life. She told me how she had honestly not given me much thought since we spit up (not in a cruel way) just being truthful.

I confessed how I fantasize about her still and how I get off to the memory of how she treated me. She seemed to be really interested in this. I told her how I think about when she cheated on me and how I get off to the pain.

She reminded me of all the times I used to make her tell me about when she cheated on me during sex. She then confessed to cheating on me with her husband (they split around 5 years ago). I got so turned on. As soon as she told me, (although I was shocked) I made extra effort to give her really positive vibes and told her how thankful I was. I knew she most likely had done other things and I wanted her to know it was fine to tell me and that my reactions would never be bad.

After an half hour of chit chat I got to the point of my call and I made her my offer. I said I would pay her £50 if she took the time to write me a mean letter confessing, in detail, all the times she cheated on me.

She jumped at the opportunity. I said I wanted her to discuss what she hated about me, why she cheated, which of her friends knew, and other details I didn't know but would hurt me.

A lot of the times when I mentioned her cheating she had defended herself by bringing up something bad or wrong I had done or said in the relationship. I made it clear that if she was to do this letter, she wasn't to justify herself in any way by putting the blame on me. I wanted her to be a total cruel, bitch, she agreed.

I wrote her a huge template of the things I wanted her to cover in the letter to ensure that it wouldn't be just five sentences. She said she would do it in a couple of days. Five days later, she still hadn't done it. Also she wouldn't answer the phone to me. I had only spoken to her that once and she hadn't messaged me back since. I texted her saying that if she did the letter that night I would pay her £80 instead of £50. She messaged me later saying it was done. She told me to transfer the money. I did. She sent the letter via email.

The letter was everything I wanted and more. She talked about how she never saw me as real man. She made fun of me for only ever wanted to eat her arsehole, have her spit in my mouth and for her to talk about the guy she cheated on me with. She said that fantasizing about other people while we had sex got her through it. She even added laughing emoji's at really cruel and hurtful parts.

She confessed loads that I didn't know, I have jerked to the letter multiple times. She mentioned two other guys she fucked behind my back. She told me about her best friend (who used to come around the house and chill with us both) knowing and encouraging her, as well as covering for her.

She asked if I remembered when she used to do a college course. She confessed that it never lasted as long as she made out at the time. It would finish much earlier, and she would hook up with another guy behind my back. She told me that she would hold out on sex with me to enjoy it more with that guy she was seeing.

She told me all the things I did in the bedroom that put her off. She made fun of me for crying when I found out she cheated. She then confessed that the day I found out she cheated (even though she promised that she would never speak to that guy again) she went to meet her friend, they had a laugh about me catching her, and she then phoned the guy and apologized for me ruining the night while they both laughed and joked about it. I still remember her going out for 20 minutes that day with her friend. I really believed that she was sorry and wouldn't contact that guy. This brought back so much pain that I had to stop reading out of fear I would cum before getting to the end.

When I continued, I read how she didn't want to come home that day as she knew I would be crying, and she couldn't be arsed to deal with it. I remember when she came home that day I was lay on the sofa crying waiting for her to tell me she loved me.

I still have the letter, I may post it but it's going to take a while to edit as once I remove names and personal details I will need to add fake names and places so that it still makes sense.

I spoke to her a few months after and made her a second offer, I will write about it in my next post. It involved us seeing each other (no sex, she remained clothed throughout and didn't touch me). I paid her £200 for her to spend one hour with me and for her to be totally honest about how pathetic I am while I masturbated.

I'll possibly write about it in a future post as it's going to be loooooong. She has properly accepted and fully understands my obsession with how cruel and hurtful she can be.

Before she came round I had made it very clear that I didn't have a lot of money and that I wanted her to know that I couldn't really afford it but that I got turned on by her knowing that and still taking the money.

When I was with her she kept saying "I can't believe you paying me £200 just to be around me, you're so pathetic, I will happily take your money," and "You're such a loser, you didn't even offer money for sex, you just want to masturbate while I look at you? And no I don't feel bad for taking your money". I thanked her whenever she said this.

With, with a big smile on her face she made thank her for cheating on me so many times. She kept making me say it out loud. She also made me apologize for her having to sit through my crying for days after I caught her cheating.

What she doesn't know is that I recorded the whole hour audio of that session which I jerk of to all the time. I feel so privilaged that after 10-11 years of jerking to the thought of her, I now have her real voice forever, telling me exactly what I want to hear.
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